Holding The Pieces Together...

Salam...

What pieces you might wonder =) It's my heart. Today's the first time ever in my life that I feel like clenching onto my heart and put it back to its normal place. I don't think I am heartbroken, I was not dumped either. I was not in a relationship or anything of that sort. It's the fact that nothing starts before it ends kill my heart. It ends, end of story. No introduction, no content, just closing. Such a bad essay, a bad drama episode that you just want to skip.

A few months back, rumours started, saying this certain guy is interested in me. Of course, the carefree me took that as a joke. I don't want to start having hope because as soon as I start doing so, I wish it will be true sooner or later. So I basically ignored all that but it continued on and on. The thing is, even if that person likes or in my case 'liked' me, he didn't say that to me. He only passed message to his female friends. So, how can I be sure that he liked me? There's no way I'm going to reply. Really.

My colleagues started asking me about my ideal guy and as I listed the characteristics, they kept relating those with the guy. I was fine with that. I mean, even if he has all the characteristics, he might not be the one. Still, I don't keep my hope up. Actually, I didn't hope at all.

Then, another message from his female friend, that he wanted to show my picture to his mother. I said, okay, and I'm going to ask my parents first. Only if they allow us to be friends that we can ever be friends. I'm old-fashioned like that. This is when I started to think of questions like "Could he be the one?", etc. Hope up by 15%. A month later, I heard another message saying that he really likes/liked me but his mother wants someone nearer to his hometown. I said fine. I didn't feel it yet (though my Mak already said that, of course, he can be friend with me. My Abah was a bit hesitant; maybe because he knew something like this might happen).

I see him almost everyday. We arrived almost at the same time, almost always. "This" feeling builds inside me and today I realize that my heart is getting heavier that it might fall. I should not let this happen right? It's not like anything happened right? So, why? I myself wonder...

I don't know anymore. Maybe I should stop listening to YUI's song, Please Stay With Me...

Surechigau tabi ni, Itoshiku natte yuku--

(Every time we pass by one another, you become more precious to me)

Maybe I just need to sleep and this feeling will go away and my heart will heal by itself.

By; Al-Falah - the smart girl who just turned dumb...

Even If I Have 30 Hours a Day...

Salam...

What's happening now is entirely my fault. I should've set my priorities straight and not spent my precious time to do nonsense and trivial stuffs. But, that's just the way I am. I'm not easily motivated to do my work except if there's really something or someone pushing me. Even deadline doesn't help...

Internet is such a big distraction... If it's not manga, I'll go to YouTube to watch videos, or read e-books anywhere, or just scroll through DBSK websites to check out new pictures of my love, or just hang out on FaceBook... I'm such a 'busy' person... And I haven't finished my SAPS and what else the upcoming PPAKS and also the planning for Sir Abdullah's research with the 4B students. Gosh! And I don't wish to have more hours a day cause I know I'll spend it just they way I do it with my 24 hours... I wish I can live my life more productively...

I don't want to blame anyone... not even this beautiful makeup guru, my favourite Catalina... (see below)

Or them... (again, see below)

It's all my fault that I have a lot of work unfinished and I don't know how to get it all started. Maybe, just maybe, I should start with the laundry or get out from my a-go-go sleepwear... And no, I'm not depressed or anything *wink*... I just relaxed a tad too much...

By; Me who feels like uploading the results of my makeover using my limited makeup collection just to try seeing the me with makeup online (IKR, WTH)...

Really, I Mean It...

Salam...

I read someone's Twitter post... And really, my heart don't hurt nor palpitate nor stop nor beat faster... It beats as normal as ever. I think, I've changed.

Not to say that I'm tired of waiting... I just don't want to expect too much... As long as this guy is happy... But I'm not sure if he's truly content now either...

5 is the most beautiful number. Like I said, you won't have a perfect hand if it doesn't have 5 fingers. But I guess it can't be helped if one day some of the fingers have to be removed... Of course, at first it'll feel awkward and you'll regret about a lot of things. But as time goes by, you'll learn to accept your defect and just live with it...

But of course, their case is different. But still, there are some similarities... They hurt and they feel like they've been missing things important to them. HoMin looks fine now but like I said, I'm not sure if they've been hiding their truest feeling behind those calm facade. And to me, Jaejoong is scary... I think someone mentioned it before in an interview... Jaejoong is like a bomb... He just 'explodes' and say whatever he thinks... There's positive and negative effect of that, too. Not saying I like it, not saying I hate it either. There's truth in his words but unless I see how this guy responds with what Jae said, I won't be too happy...

Really, this guy means a lot to me. And no, he's not a family, not my husband, not my boyfriend, not my friend, not my neighbour, not my teacher, not my student, not the King of my country, but he's very important to me.

The End.

This Is Not Boredom...

Salam...

I'm supposed to be doing my work but again, here I am, facing my laptop and have exactly nothing in mind. This isn't boredom or stress or anything of that sort. I just want to laze out though tomorrow I'm gonna have class as early as 7.30 a.m. Well, I have no idea what to do tomorrow. It's going to be more or less like a homeroom session cause it's actually just a way to fill in the assembly period. We can't use the hall cause it's going to be used for Robocon competition, so no assembly for tomorrow. I have no complain about that. I neither like nor hate assembly, so whatever.

Anyway, I went to Kota Tinggi yesterday, visiting makam, museum, went to Hutan Panti and went shopping (I don't know if I can call it shopping). It went well except for the fact that my eyes got really dry as time passed and I didn't have my Eye Mo Moist with me so it kind of stings a little bit. The students enjoyed it, I guess. It's all their efforts so I guess they had a lot more satisfaction seeing their tears and sweats paid off. It's incredible how students nowadays are not that pampered like how I used to be in the past. We never get to plan our own trip, never get to prepare our own letter of permission, and so on. This is like a new thing for me as well. I was shocked to hear that the students were the ones doing all the behind-the-scenes work, but I kept on with my Poker Face. It's not like I don't care... I just don't want them to burst! (You know the Malay joke, "jgn puji lebih-lebih, nanti kembang". That's what I was implying =P)

We went to Makam Sultan Mahmud Mangkat Dijulang... Okay, I thought it was in Malacca. Silly me! I'm just so bad with History!!! I was shocked at first cause I never thought it was Makam Sultan Mahmud (we passed Makam Bendahara Tun Habab and another junction that leads to another Makam which I can't remember the name) cause I seriously thought that Sultan Mahmud is like, exclusively Malaccan material (what am I talking about?). Buta sejarah! Whatever... At least I know now. And, I heard stories of the Nangka curse (what is Nangka in English?) , or is it Cempedak? I heard that some people can't set their feet on Daerah Makam or they'll vomit blood. Well, it's possible since in the past, people believe in mystical stuffs more than we do now and some of them kind of depended on it. I mean, how could they open lands all alone, in the forest, with very little sunlight and in very short time? Mystical stuffs make impossible things possible, not that I want to try it. Besides, everything is under the power of Allah... Kun Fayakun and it happens, right? =) Allah is enough. Subhanallah.

Next, we went to the museum. The people sculptures were kind of scary. I never liked dolls. I only have two dolls right now; My white cat named Taecky and a Nobita miniature I got from... I can't remember where, and I even dumped that little Nobita into somewhere out of my sight. I just hate dolls. And yesterday, I was like surrounded with dolls. But it's okay cause everyone else were there with me but we're kind of slow cause we took notes for the History Room at school so I was kind of panicked when everybody started to move very fast. But, we got to leave the museum safe and sound. Maybe that's another reason I don't really like history - cause it tells about dead people, war, blood, torture, curse, and so on. And museum is such a dark place... I deserved a C for my History~

Then, we went to Hutan PANTI. Gosh, I like forest... but not really. I used to go to rubber plantations a lot when I was little. I just liked to get on my bike and go around the plantation area owned by my grandparents and I just had fun there. So, Hutan PANTI was like calling for me yesterday. I felt like walking into the forest and watch all the trees but nobody felt like going with me. Aw, come on! We went so far so why don't we take a walk into the forest~ I wanted to go alone but as I stepped forward, I just got goosebumps. Erk... No... I should go back to where they sat. Haha... But if I get another chance I would want to go but maybe not all the way... Maybe, half way... Cause, I don't really like the feel of that forest... and there's no ranger working at that forest. I shouldn't get the weird stories started or I won't be able to sleep well at night.

Lastly, we went shopping. I won't call it shopping. It's not even window shopping. It was just walking. I was later thirsty and bought a can of Chrysanthemum Tea. That's about it. And that's... definitely not shopping. It was like the worst experience in a "shopping mall" ever... I can't even "cuci mata" cause there's nothing to "cuci mata" with. They definitely need a Jusco!

And today, I spent my day lying down on my bed, sleep and sleep some more, did my laundry half way, read some online manga, took a bath, ate some bread and some more bread, find the WonderWord in New Sunday Times (the answer is "desktop"... Yay!), and lie down again. I didn't get any work done. "Congratulations!" I should be awarded as the "most hardworking girl on Planet Earth"...

Yay!

I guess that's about it. I'm gonna read some more manga and then go to sleep. I'll think about work tomorrow morning. Till the next post, bye2~ Wassalam =)

By; Erm... Al-Falah?

Come-On Moments

Salam...

I feel like the excitement in my life is gradually decreasing. Maybe I'm getting old, maybe because of the super hot weather, maybe because of the surrounding, maybe because of the job I plan putting on pause once I decide which Master course I want to take. And another reason is the students who I just can't learn to love. Pardon my harsh words in this post. I just... can't stop.

I tell you, Form 1 students are super naughty, noisy, and they think they are the kings (at least in my class). I pray to Allah I won't get to teach them next year or it'll be pain in the *insert beep sound*. They just don't care about you at all, don't have respect... Maybe they're born in the forest and taken care by non-human creatures and it's their first time to be a part of development which includes a lot of chairs, desks, and blackboard. Imagine zoo. Yup, that's how Form 1 students in my school are. I just... despise them.

Well, despise might not be a good word. I should have good feelings towards them so my heart can reach them. But, come on! I've been gentle and super caring and super tolerant to them but what good did they ever do to me? Do they even learn in my class? They think they're so smart, they should just quit school and redeem their genius statuses! They don't even bring their books... I bet they left their brain and sanity at home too... The only think they know is to talk, play, eat during recess, sleep, play some more, talk some more... Come on! Even cats can do that! I rather teach a class full of cats! At least by the end of the lesson, they can do some tricks!

Maybe not everyone in the class are like that. I still remember the 5 students in that particular class who kept asking me questions and looked at their books attentively. 5 over 28 of them. I honestly pray to Allah that these kids will get to learn in better class next year so they can learn in peace. They don't deserve to be put in such havoc and disastrous environment. They'll get terrible headache just like me. Maybe a minor hypertension and heartache too.

I just don't understand these kids. Come on, I'm not asking you much. Just try to at least learn something, do your homework, and bring your book. Rather than thinking of myself as a failure, I think that I've been wasting my time entering the class and using my maximum voice to teach them but no one end up with even 40 marks for their mid-year exam. I believe they can change this but they have to change themselves first... Among them, I just can't see any candidate of perfect score student yet...

Just wanna share about my day - 2 of my students cried in class. One, because I threatened to give her name to the HEM because she wrote obscene words in a piece of paper. Come on! Form 1 student wrote obscene message? You might not want to believe me... I can't even look at the paper. It's just too gross... So, she cried and do I care? Huh! Like come on, that girl should totally get a brainwash.

Another student cried for a rather funny and nonsense reason. She's going to transfer school and she cried because she can't see her boyfriend anymore before she leaves. One word - Lame... Like, come on! He's not your husband for God sake! Ugh... This is another reason why I don't want to deal with these immature kids. Don't show your tears to me for such nonsensical reason. Don't show that you're weak, girl... Your heart's not made of glass... Plus, weak girls are so outdated! That's just so uncool...

Huh, that's about it. I thought writing everything out will make me feel better but I just sighed a lot more since I've started typing half an hour ago. Whatever. Kids will be kids (and I just want to knock some sense in their heads). Gah! Whatever. Bye.

Wassalam...

P/S: I've never cried in public. I'm just, not an attention-grabber. Peace y'all!

By; Al-Falah who can't stand crybabies...

Hello Nights~

Salam...

Talking about nights, I've been spending late hours doing ridiculous and different things lately. I'm supposed to work on the school magazine activities reports or try to complete my record book or start my project on EW20. But no, those things have to be put on hold until I can feel entirely calmed down and recovered from this occasional flu and countless coughing I'm having.

Anyway, since last night which was right after I spend my 2 days and 2 nights at my home sweet home, I've been reading comic books (I've started buying Detektif Conan again!) and watching videos on YouTube. I've been meaning to hunt for some easy grammar tips for my students but yeah, those aren't fun stuffs. So, the tabs were purposely created up there on my Google Chrome "tab line" just to make me feel less guilty.

About the comics I read yesterday... I bought those comics at Muar bus station, the perfect place to get updated and new comics. It was my favourite place when I was still studying at Segamat and Pahang. Believe me, the update speed is much faster than MPH or Popular bookstore. I bought Detective Conan (Volume 63) and Takamiya Satoru's "Suara Langit". Conan didn't disappoint as usual. Very thrilling, and even though I've been reading a lot of Conans, this still leaves me a fresh and satisfied feelings. Very good indeed. And, it's not scary at all.

Takamiya Satoru's comics are always different. Sometimes she still sticks to high school theme but with a fantasy twist. For example, in Suara Langit, it was of Dewa Dewi school (which is really ridiculous). I don't recommend little kids reading this because this might affect the way they think of things and give them a wrong idea of what to believe. I finished reading Volume 1, and still trying to go on with Vol.2 but since Vol.1 isn't very satisfying, I wonder when will I ever read the following one. Maybe tonight if I can finish typing this post before 9.40...

I've been stalking this YouTube user cl2425... A Korean makeup guru. She's fluent in English, not a gyo-po (she lives long enough in Korea to be considered as a Korean-America. Her Korean accent is pretty different) and her makeup tutorials are really good. It's not like I'm going to try putting on makeup like the ones shown on her channel (my makeup only consists of powder and some gloss) but I'm just feeling of doing some girly stuffs since yesterday (and today I cleaned up my room and bathroom pretty well, which is weird). The tutorials are very simple to follow and the guru looks like Tiffany which is the first reason why I stalked her. But the more I watched her video, I kind of like the way she talks and the fact that she didn't really have totally perfect skin to begin with. She got breakouts sometimes (and she did cover them by changing the camera angles) just like everyone else. She didn't put the camera brightness on 10. She's just a natural... I like her... haha... She makes me want to buy a lot of makeup products which is bad cause I'm so gonna go broke.

Tonight, in comparison to yesterday and the previous nights at home, I'm going to sleep early. I got stiff muscles from being the AJK Makanan for today's course at my school. That wasn't an easy task. Food came late, boys being boys, rubbish left everywhere (despite being adults and teachers), not enough drinks to satisfy everyone's dry throats, and had to stay at school to pack the leftover bubur kacang and kuih lopes... It's a hectic day... So, right after this, I'm going straight to sleep (maybe I'll read a little, and then go to sleep). Till the next entry, bye and have a good night sleep~

By; Al-Falah - Quotes Reading Maketh A Full Man Unquote

Mudarat...

Salam...

My energy, strength, bravery, are all drained up already. I don't want to even pick up the materials I sent to photocopy. Night is scary, dark, dull, lonely, and so on. I wish they have delivery, but of course, they don't.

A part of me doesn't want to talk about my day today. It's just the worst turn of event (if you refer to my previous post). And it's not pretty shocking, or pretty saddening, or pretty scary either. The bad feelings are overwhelming, I think I can burst anytime soon. They just turned it into dust; my heart, I mean.

It happened when the clock almost struck 12 noon. We Muslims believe that that is the peak time most liked by the evil beings to have their party. And they just had theirs today. I was teaching and suddenly a 'monkey' leaped out from his seat performing weird actions only insane (or in this case, possessed) human could do. I was stunned. I thought that was a joke. I wasn't freaked out. Not yet. The other students told me it was real, no acting, no joke. I didn't believe them. Nope, not yet.

The 'monkey' calmed down. He coughed and drips of saliva dirtied the floor causing me eww~ed to the max. The class calmed down and we started discussing past tense, a topic they should have mastered by now but they were totally clueless about it. After a few minutes, the 'monkey' came back. This time less aggressive, but more thirsty. He smelled orange juice in someone's bag, took it out, took a sip, before pouring the whole bottle all over himself (or is it, itself?). Poof! The monkey's gone. That boy noticed his soaked top. Yup boy, you just poured orange juice on yourself just now. He's clueless, or at least at that time I thought, "Okay, well done. Good acting. Bravo. Quit it!"

As it happened the third time, I couldn't breathe. I was too scared already. This is out of my power, out of my scope of knowledge. I've never experienced anything like this. I've never visited a ghost house either. I hardly watch horror movies except Ju-on cause everyone talked about it and curiousity just got to me. I hate horror and I hate feeling scared. But sometimes, you just had to be a part of it no matter how bad you want to resist and run away.

Reminder to everyone and to myself; if such situation happen, call other people immediately before it gets worse. Make sure you have the HEM's, Ustaz's and counselor's phone numbers. I just knew that I have to do this. I thought I'm allowed to stand still, stunned, and be a little freaked out. But for the sake of the student and the other students, I guess I just have to be a little bit stronger and courageous. Why me...

Reminder to my students; the thing you learn is syirik. Quit it. Return to the right path. It is bad if you think that all the possessing are fine and just a test to your strengths and power. The 'monkey' will get bigger, believe me. Return to Allah s.w.t... He's The Only One... Plus, don't make me a part of your troop. I'll never keep this secret and I never promised you guys to shut my mouth. This is wrong and I won't let it go. I don't even have the intention to do it even if it happens again next time.

I'm drained and scared, still. I don't know if I'll ever get to sleep tonight. Whatever.

Wassalam.

Pretty Happy...

Salam...

As stated in the title above, I'm pretty happy today with almost everything. Despite the decreasing amount of money in my purse, everything seems to flow just the way I like it. Well, it might not be as smooth as what other people expected from me, but it's fine. Because today, I just don't wanna care about what other people think about me. 'Coz I believe that I'm pretty loved =)

It still echoes in my ears, the voices of my students calling for me. That kinda make me happy. I'm not the type of teacher who'll get mad at students raising their voice at me, sometimes I think I'm too lenient. But the advantage that I got from this situation is, my students are pretty comfortable with me. Sometimes, they even bully me, invade my personal space, invade my privacy (hand phone, hand bag etc.) and so on... Miraculously, none of the personal and valuable items especially money had ever gone missing. Alhamdulillah... I wonder why but I believe it's because I believe in them and trust them fully. I never suspected even an ounce that there'll be one day that I'll lost my money etc. Deep in my heart, I treasure them (mushy!)

They might not be the best at attitude and discipline. They're bad at reading too... But I like the fact that they smile at me every time they see me. They didn't hide themselves or run away as I approach them. They're honest, a bit timid, noisy, naughty, and the negative list can go on and on and on. But I wonder why when I got a little bit late to the class, students from this class are always the ones who tried to find me. Amazing, I should say. And for this reason, I want to treasure them no matter what people say about them <3

From the 3rd floor of the building, they called my name. It's either, "teacher", "cher", "teacher Falah" or "Teacher Korea"... See? Cuteness overload... Waving at me, smiling, asking nonsense things sometimes, smiling again, yelling, laughing... Gah! Seriously, they're noisy... really... but cute... really cute... Even the most delinquent among the delinquents has his cute side. I might be weird after all haha!

I think I'm walking on cloud nine now... Maybe I had too much coke just now. Maybe I'm sleepy. I'm not very sure. But I'm very sure that I'm pretty happy today, honestly. Alhamdulillah...

That's all~ Going to do something else. Daa <3

By; A teacher who exchanged a lot of PEACE sign with her students (and everyone wonders why she did that - believe me, she wonders about it too), Al-Falah

I Am My Bed's Best Friend...

which is the main reason why I left this blog for so long. In this more advanced technology age, I've also added a few things on my "to update" list which include Facebook, the most dangerous and addictive among all... But bed is still my priority especially since I'm already working. As I get back from work, I'm almost totally spent.

Salam... (this is so wrong. It should be on top)

It's been long and a lot of things have happened. School happened, love happened, break up happened, holiday happened, marriage happened, friendship happened, death happened - though I'm not exactly and fully aware of ALL those happenings. I thank God for giving me the chance to still see the world and appreciate it like everyone else.

Actually, I don't know what to post. I think I've lost my touch at spontaneous writing. I used to be shocked by own writing. My hands just moved, and I didn't exactly think hard on what to write. It just flows, like it's really from my heart. I miss that.

Erm... Should I just get back to my bed now?

Oh wait, I should tell you about the incident last Friday morning. I was quite late to school since I had to prepare my students' record books for the Parents-Teachers Interaction Day (or in simpler words, Open Day) which was going to be held at school on the very same day. I didn't exactly speed while driving - it was the exact same speed I use every time I'm at a place where a lot of other vehicles and people are concerned. So, I drove at about 40-50 km/h, I guess. But still, accidents happen. And when a baby boar who failed her road crossing test is concerned, anyone could do the same mistake as I did. Yup, I bumped into the baby. Poor baby, I just want to say I'm sorry that you have no sense whatsoever about road safety. I just wished that you were not badly injured (there's no trace of blood on the road nor on my bumper) and that you're still alive, healthy and strong like your mum. Gosh, guilt just washed over me, all over again. Though I had to change the bumper and the radiator of my Baby Ken and it costs me RM545, I don't really mind. I'm not a fan of boar, excuse me, they're not that cute and it's not like I can touch them freely too. But I want to know how it's doing now... So, if possible, I want to know though I don't exactly know how.

Today, believe it or not, I starved myself from 9 a.m. until 7 p.m. and the only food I ate at 9 was Roti Jala. By 4 p.m., lapar golek2 I, you know. I didn't have my car and I didn't want to burden my roommate to get me my lunch or buy me anything to eat. So, I just shut myself in my room, tried to think things other than food, golek2 some more, etc. But once I started thinking about my car at the workshop, my stomach got emptier and emptier, my hair almost stand. And I almost rolled down to the floor. I was THAT hungry. I can't imagine how hungry are those people who didn't get to eat for days... I can't even stand a few hours of hunger. Shame on me... not really.

And I got a new bumper and radiator for my car. Looking nice baby! I love the new bumper! The tauke said that it's better if I paint the bumper but I think it looks nice that way. I like the tauke and the workshop. Nice work everyone! They should work at MTV Pimp My Ride or Overhauled TV show =)

Lastly, I knew it that 2PM Junho will make it big. When everyone's setting their eyes on the bulky Taec, the prince-like Khun, the tall and good-looking maknae Chansung, and the cute kitty Wooyoung, Junho has always been at the top of my biasness. Yup, he always got cut. He's almost invisible. People were calling him "the one who looks like Rain" instead of his name. But now, suddenly, everyone's putting their hands up and agree with me (that Junho's just, awesome!). I wish I copyrighted him before or something. But I should copyright Yunho and not him, so... that's out of question.

That's all. I can't get too long in here. I should sleep. Tomorrow (oh, it's Sunday already, so Today) there are plenty of works to do. Sleep time! Tata!

By; Al-Falah who loves LG Chocolate BL40 despite what people say but she definitely won't buy it cause it's too expensive.

This Teacher Playing Truants??!

Salam...

I'm sick since yesterday. 2 different sickness in total. I was having a pounding headache yesterday, and a stomach-wrenching-ache now, today. The doctor (from yesterday) said that it might be due to stress. That was the first time the word 'stress' is said to me from a professional doctor. It might be a 'manja' word for some people, even my father thought so. People always ignore it the way they ignore flies. I'm just glad that the doctor has pointed out that fact because I was always wondering if my condition of vomiting, headache, stomachache is normal. "The doctor said I was stressed". Yup, that's a good enough reason to think about my life a little bit more. I've been thinking that I couldn't live like this till the day I retire...

I didn't go to school yesterday. Went to school today but later went to clinic and got an MC. I didn't play truant. Well, maybe I did (well, not exactly) yesterday since I didn't get an MC. Yesterday, I went to clinic at around 5 p.m. when the pain in my head had actually subsided. There's no temperature, no pounding, just stress. And the doctor even gave me pills for gastric. Your body is a mystery. You don't feel like you have a gastric but you do. At least now I know, though I have to say that the gastric pills taste super bad =P

I have planned to get my whole body checked after I get my first pay. I haven't done that obviously. Been busy, away from the targeted clinic at Muar, and all. Even during holiday, I have my moments of drowsiness, sometimes unaware of things, vomiting... I just feel like I have to get checked. Am I not scared of the result? Of course I am. What if suddenly I find out that I have a lot other sickness? That's scary! But I still want to know. I feel obligated to know. It's for my body, my future, my life overall.

In comparison to other people, I think that I'm really weak. I can't stop complaining (especially here in this blog), I couldn't bear even just a little amount of pain, etc. Now, honestly, I've been thinking about my other TESL friends who are at school, teaching, and some (for example, Luke) actually have to teach 30+ periods per week. Me? Only 2o periods. And I already feel pressure all over. Well, maybe it is related to the students of 2 Intan who are really noisy when I was teaching. The rest of the students... haah... I can actually breathe easily. I have to admit, my condition now is better in comparison to my practical teaching. I'm not that stressed. I guess I just have to be stronger and have a more positive outlook about life. Just like Yoochun. I really wish I can learn from him.

About Master, I've decided that I won't wait for 2 or 3 years. Once I already have my permanent position (after I pass the SPP interview), I will register for my Master in TESL. After Master, I'll apply for the lecturer position anywhere around Malaysia. I don't know if lecturing will suit me better than teaching. I wasn't saying teaching isn't for me because I set a double standard or that I was looking down on teaching profession. I think these people who are strong and patient enough to be teachers are really great. Since I can never be on the same par with them mentally, emotionally, physically, I'll pass this responsibility to other people who are more suitable with this job. I think that I can never waste my time pondering the same problems about students and all until I retire. I think that not taking Master is too wasting of my young age. I believe in my goal and I'm going to work for it. I just hope my parents will agree with my plan (though I know Mak will get worried because I'll have to pay my debt to KPM if I give up as a teacher).

Isn't life supposed to be fulfilling? Learning is fulfilling that's why I think that I still want to learn for a few years before I gain enough maturity to get into the working world. I'm still learning about life... And I'm still not ready to compete with my colleagues in terms of 'who's gonna get married first?'. Sorry. It's not that I'm confident about living alone. I've been thinking (especially when I'm sick) that isn't it good to have a companion who can take care of me? But relationship shouldn't be based on rash decisions. For me, I want to think carefully. I want to be ready. I don't want to just lean on my partner's shoulders, but to let him lean on mine as well. I haven't reached that level of strength and maturity. And most of all, I don't have any candidate =) It's okay cause for now, I prefer being single (though I'm sick of talking to myself, duh!)

Alright, I should get some rest since the doctor already granted me an MC slip. Tata~

By; Al-Falah