光*LIGHT's WORLD

Holding The Pieces Together...

2011-10-29T00:44:00.003+08:00

Salam...

What pieces you might wonder =) It's my heart. Today's the first time ever in my life that I feel like clenching onto my heart and put it back to its normal place. I don't think I am heartbroken, I was not dumped either. I was not in a relationship or anything of that sort. It's the fact that nothing starts before it ends kill my heart. It ends, end of story. No introduction, no content, just closing. Such a bad essay, a bad drama episode that you just want to skip.

A few months back, rumours started, saying this certain guy is interested in me. Of course, the carefree me took that as a joke. I don't want to start having hope because as soon as I start doing so, I wish it will be true sooner or later. So I basically ignored all that but it continued on and on. The thing is, even if that person likes or in my case 'liked' me, he didn't say that to me. He only passed message to his female friends. So, how can I be sure that he liked me? There's no way I'm going to reply. Really.

My colleagues started asking me about my ideal guy and as I listed the characteristics, they kept relating those with the guy. I was fine with that. I mean, even if he has all the characteristics, he might not be the one. Still, I don't keep my hope up. Actually, I didn't hope at all.

Then, another message from his female friend, that he wanted to show my picture to his mother. I said, okay, and I'm going to ask my parents first. Only if they allow us to be friends that we can ever be friends. I'm old-fashioned like that. This is when I started to think of questions like "Could he be the one?", etc. Hope up by 15%. A month later, I heard another message saying that he really likes/liked me but his mother wants someone nearer to his hometown. I said fine. I didn't feel it yet (though my Mak already said that, of course, he can be friend with me. My Abah was a bit hesitant; maybe because he knew something like this might happen).

I see him almost everyday. We arrived almost at the same time, almost always. "This" feeling builds inside me and today I realize that my heart is getting heavier that it might fall. I should not let this happen right? It's not like anything happened right? So, why? I myself wonder...

I don't know anymore. Maybe I should stop listening to YUI's song, Please Stay With Me...

Surechigau tabi ni, Itoshiku natte yuku--

(Every time we pass by one another, you become more precious to me)

Maybe I just need to sleep and this feeling will go away and my heart will heal by itself.

By; Al-Falah - the smart girl who just turned dumb...

Even If I Have 30 Hours a Day...

2011-08-20T16:44:00.003+08:00

Salam...

What's happening now is entirely my fault. I should've set my priorities straight and not spent my precious time to do nonsense and trivial stuffs. But, that's just the way I am. I'm not easily motivated to do my work except if there's really something or someone pushing me. Even deadline doesn't help...

Internet is such a big distraction... If it's not manga, I'll go to YouTube to watch videos, or read e-books anywhere, or just scroll through DBSK websites to check out new pictures of my love, or just hang out on FaceBook... I'm such a 'busy' person... And I haven't finished my SAPS and what else the upcoming PPAKS and also the planning for Sir Abdullah's research with the 4B students. Gosh! And I don't wish to have more hours a day cause I know I'll spend it just they way I do it with my 24 hours... I wish I can live my life more productively...

I don't want to blame anyone... not even this beautiful makeup guru, my favourite Catalina... (see below)

Or them... (again, see below)

It's all my fault that I have a lot of work unfinished and I don't know how to get it all started. Maybe, just maybe, I should start with the laundry or get out from my a-go-go sleepwear... And no, I'm not depressed or anything *wink*... I just relaxed a tad too much...

By; Me who feels like uploading the results of my makeover using my limited makeup collection just to try seeing the me with makeup online (IKR, WTH)...

Really, I Mean It...

2011-07-27T18:33:00.003+08:00

Salam...

I read someone's Twitter post... And really, my heart don't hurt nor palpitate nor stop nor beat faster... It beats as normal as ever. I think, I've changed.

Not to say that I'm tired of waiting... I just don't want to expect too much... As long as this guy is happy... But I'm not sure if he's truly content now either...

5 is the most beautiful number. Like I said, you won't have a perfect hand if it doesn't have 5 fingers. But I guess it can't be helped if one day some of the fingers have to be removed... Of course, at first it'll feel awkward and you'll regret about a lot of things. But as time goes by, you'll learn to accept your defect and just live with it...

But of course, their case is different. But still, there are some similarities... They hurt and they feel like they've been missing things important to them. HoMin looks fine now but like I said, I'm not sure if they've been hiding their truest feeling behind those calm facade. And to me, Jaejoong is scary... I think someone mentioned it before in an interview... Jaejoong is like a bomb... He just 'explodes' and say whatever he thinks... There's positive and negative effect of that, too. Not saying I like it, not saying I hate it either. There's truth in his words but unless I see how this guy responds with what Jae said, I won't be too happy...

Really, this guy means a lot to me. And no, he's not a family, not my husband, not my boyfriend, not my friend, not my neighbour, not my teacher, not my student, not the King of my country, but he's very important to me.

The End.

This Is Not Boredom...

2011-07-17T21:53:00.003+08:00

Salam...

I'm supposed to be doing my work but again, here I am, facing my laptop and have exactly nothing in mind. This isn't boredom or stress or anything of that sort. I just want to laze out though tomorrow I'm gonna have class as early as 7.30 a.m. Well, I have no idea what to do tomorrow. It's going to be more or less like a homeroom session cause it's actually just a way to fill in the assembly period. We can't use the hall cause it's going to be used for Robocon competition, so no assembly for tomorrow. I have no complain about that. I neither like nor hate assembly, so whatever.

Anyway, I went to Kota Tinggi yesterday, visiting makam, museum, went to Hutan Panti and went shopping (I don't know if I can call it shopping). It went well except for the fact that my eyes got really dry as time passed and I didn't have my Eye Mo Moist with me so it kind of stings a little bit. The students enjoyed it, I guess. It's all their efforts so I guess they had a lot more satisfaction seeing their tears and sweats paid off. It's incredible how students nowadays are not that pampered like how I used to be in the past. We never get to plan our own trip, never get to prepare our own letter of permission, and so on. This is like a new thing for me as well. I was shocked to hear that the students were the ones doing all the behind-the-scenes work, but I kept on with my Poker Face. It's not like I don't care... I just don't want them to burst! (You know the Malay joke, "jgn puji lebih-lebih, nanti kembang". That's what I was implying =P)

We went to Makam Sultan Mahmud Mangkat Dijulang... Okay, I thought it was in Malacca. Silly me! I'm just so bad with History!!! I was shocked at first cause I never thought it was Makam Sultan Mahmud (we passed Makam Bendahara Tun Habab and another junction that leads to another Makam which I can't remember the name) cause I seriously thought that Sultan Mahmud is like, exclusively Malaccan material (what am I talking about?). Buta sejarah! Whatever... At least I know now. And, I heard stories of the Nangka curse (what is Nangka in English?) , or is it Cempedak? I heard that some people can't set their feet on Daerah Makam or they'll vomit blood. Well, it's possible since in the past, people believe in mystical stuffs more than we do now and some of them kind of depended on it. I mean, how could they open lands all alone, in the forest, with very little sunlight and in very short time? Mystical stuffs make impossible things possible, not that I want to try it. Besides, everything is under the power of Allah... Kun Fayakun and it happens, right? =) Allah is enough. Subhanallah.

Next, we went to the museum. The people sculptures were kind of scary. I never liked dolls. I only have two dolls right now; My white cat named Taecky and a Nobita miniature I got from... I can't remember where, and I even dumped that little Nobita into somewhere out of my sight. I just hate dolls. And yesterday, I was like surrounded with dolls. But it's okay cause everyone else were there with me but we're kind of slow cause we took notes for the History Room at school so I was kind of panicked when everybody started to move very fast. But, we got to leave the museum safe and sound. Maybe that's another reason I don't really like history - cause it tells about dead people, war, blood, torture, curse, and so on. And museum is such a dark place... I deserved a C for my History~

Then, we went to Hutan PANTI. Gosh, I like forest... but not really. I used to go to rubber plantations a lot when I was little. I just liked to get on my bike and go around the plantation area owned by my grandparents and I just had fun there. So, Hutan PANTI was like calling for me yesterday. I felt like walking into the forest and watch all the trees but nobody felt like going with me. Aw, come on! We went so far so why don't we take a walk into the forest~ I wanted to go alone but as I stepped forward, I just got goosebumps. Erk... No... I should go back to where they sat. Haha... But if I get another chance I would want to go but maybe not all the way... Maybe, half way... Cause, I don't really like the feel of that forest... and there's no ranger working at that forest. I shouldn't get the weird stories started or I won't be able to sleep well at night.

Lastly, we went shopping. I won't call it shopping. It's not even window shopping. It was just walking. I was later thirsty and bought a can of Chrysanthemum Tea. That's about it. And that's... definitely not shopping. It was like the worst experience in a "shopping mall" ever... I can't even "cuci mata" cause there's nothing to "cuci mata" with. They definitely need a Jusco!

And today, I spent my day lying down on my bed, sleep and sleep some more, did my laundry half way, read some online manga, took a bath, ate some bread and some more bread, find the WonderWord in New Sunday Times (the answer is "desktop"... Yay!), and lie down again. I didn't get any work done. "Congratulations!" I should be awarded as the "most hardworking girl on Planet Earth"...

Yay!

I guess that's about it. I'm gonna read some more manga and then go to sleep. I'll think about work tomorrow morning. Till the next post, bye2~ Wassalam =)

By; Erm... Al-Falah?

Come-On Moments

2011-07-13T18:51:00.003+08:00

Salam...

I feel like the excitement in my life is gradually decreasing. Maybe I'm getting old, maybe because of the super hot weather, maybe because of the surrounding, maybe because of the job I plan putting on pause once I decide which Master course I want to take. And another reason is the students who I just can't learn to love. Pardon my harsh words in this post. I just... can't stop.

I tell you, Form 1 students are super naughty, noisy, and they think they are the kings (at least in my class). I pray to Allah I won't get to teach them next year or it'll be pain in the *insert beep sound*. They just don't care about you at all, don't have respect... Maybe they're born in the forest and taken care by non-human creatures and it's their first time to be a part of development which includes a lot of chairs, desks, and blackboard. Imagine zoo. Yup, that's how Form 1 students in my school are. I just... despise them.

Well, despise might not be a good word. I should have good feelings towards them so my heart can reach them. But, come on! I've been gentle and super caring and super tolerant to them but what good did they ever do to me? Do they even learn in my class? They think they're so smart, they should just quit school and redeem their genius statuses! They don't even bring their books... I bet they left their brain and sanity at home too... The only think they know is to talk, play, eat during recess, sleep, play some more, talk some more... Come on! Even cats can do that! I rather teach a class full of cats! At least by the end of the lesson, they can do some tricks!

Maybe not everyone in the class are like that. I still remember the 5 students in that particular class who kept asking me questions and looked at their books attentively. 5 over 28 of them. I honestly pray to Allah that these kids will get to learn in better class next year so they can learn in peace. They don't deserve to be put in such havoc and disastrous environment. They'll get terrible headache just like me. Maybe a minor hypertension and heartache too.

I just don't understand these kids. Come on, I'm not asking you much. Just try to at least learn something, do your homework, and bring your book. Rather than thinking of myself as a failure, I think that I've been wasting my time entering the class and using my maximum voice to teach them but no one end up with even 40 marks for their mid-year exam. I believe they can change this but they have to change themselves first... Among them, I just can't see any candidate of perfect score student yet...

Just wanna share about my day - 2 of my students cried in class. One, because I threatened to give her name to the HEM because she wrote obscene words in a piece of paper. Come on! Form 1 student wrote obscene message? You might not want to believe me... I can't even look at the paper. It's just too gross... So, she cried and do I care? Huh! Like come on, that girl should totally get a brainwash.

Another student cried for a rather funny and nonsense reason. She's going to transfer school and she cried because she can't see her boyfriend anymore before she leaves. One word - Lame... Like, come on! He's not your husband for God sake! Ugh... This is another reason why I don't want to deal with these immature kids. Don't show your tears to me for such nonsensical reason. Don't show that you're weak, girl... Your heart's not made of glass... Plus, weak girls are so outdated! That's just so uncool...

Huh, that's about it. I thought writing everything out will make me feel better but I just sighed a lot more since I've started typing half an hour ago. Whatever. Kids will be kids (and I just want to knock some sense in their heads). Gah! Whatever. Bye.

Wassalam...

P/S: I've never cried in public. I'm just, not an attention-grabber. Peace y'all!

By; Al-Falah who can't stand crybabies...

Hello Nights~

2011-07-12T21:11:00.002+08:00

Salam...

Talking about nights, I've been spending late hours doing ridiculous and different things lately. I'm supposed to work on the school magazine activities reports or try to complete my record book or start my project on EW20. But no, those things have to be put on hold until I can feel entirely calmed down and recovered from this occasional flu and countless coughing I'm having.

Anyway, since last night which was right after I spend my 2 days and 2 nights at my home sweet home, I've been reading comic books (I've started buying Detektif Conan again!) and watching videos on YouTube. I've been meaning to hunt for some easy grammar tips for my students but yeah, those aren't fun stuffs. So, the tabs were purposely created up there on my Google Chrome "tab line" just to make me feel less guilty.

About the comics I read yesterday... I bought those comics at Muar bus station, the perfect place to get updated and new comics. It was my favourite place when I was still studying at Segamat and Pahang. Believe me, the update speed is much faster than MPH or Popular bookstore. I bought Detective Conan (Volume 63) and Takamiya Satoru's "Suara Langit". Conan didn't disappoint as usual. Very thrilling, and even though I've been reading a lot of Conans, this still leaves me a fresh and satisfied feelings. Very good indeed. And, it's not scary at all.

Takamiya Satoru's comics are always different. Sometimes she still sticks to high school theme but with a fantasy twist. For example, in Suara Langit, it was of Dewa Dewi school (which is really ridiculous). I don't recommend little kids reading this because this might affect the way they think of things and give them a wrong idea of what to believe. I finished reading Volume 1, and still trying to go on with Vol.2 but since Vol.1 isn't very satisfying, I wonder when will I ever read the following one. Maybe tonight if I can finish typing this post before 9.40...

I've been stalking this YouTube user cl2425... A Korean makeup guru. She's fluent in English, not a gyo-po (she lives long enough in Korea to be considered as a Korean-America. Her Korean accent is pretty different) and her makeup tutorials are really good. It's not like I'm going to try putting on makeup like the ones shown on her channel (my makeup only consists of powder and some gloss) but I'm just feeling of doing some girly stuffs since yesterday (and today I cleaned up my room and bathroom pretty well, which is weird). The tutorials are very simple to follow and the guru looks like Tiffany which is the first reason why I stalked her. But the more I watched her video, I kind of like the way she talks and the fact that she didn't really have totally perfect skin to begin with. She got breakouts sometimes (and she did cover them by changing the camera angles) just like everyone else. She didn't put the camera brightness on 10. She's just a natural... I like her... haha... She makes me want to buy a lot of makeup products which is bad cause I'm so gonna go broke.

Tonight, in comparison to yesterday and the previous nights at home, I'm going to sleep early. I got stiff muscles from being the AJK Makanan for today's course at my school. That wasn't an easy task. Food came late, boys being boys, rubbish left everywhere (despite being adults and teachers), not enough drinks to satisfy everyone's dry throats, and had to stay at school to pack the leftover bubur kacang and kuih lopes... It's a hectic day... So, right after this, I'm going straight to sleep (maybe I'll read a little, and then go to sleep). Till the next entry, bye and have a good night sleep~

By; Al-Falah - Quotes Reading Maketh A Full Man Unquote

Mudarat...

2011-07-06T20:22:00.005+08:00

Salam...

My energy, strength, bravery, are all drained up already. I don't want to even pick up the materials I sent to photocopy. Night is scary, dark, dull, lonely, and so on. I wish they have delivery, but of course, they don't.

A part of me doesn't want to talk about my day today. It's just the worst turn of event (if you refer to my previous post). And it's not pretty shocking, or pretty saddening, or pretty scary either. The bad feelings are overwhelming, I think I can burst anytime soon. They just turned it into dust; my heart, I mean.

It happened when the clock almost struck 12 noon. We Muslims believe that that is the peak time most liked by the evil beings to have their party. And they just had theirs today. I was teaching and suddenly a 'monkey' leaped out from his seat performing weird actions only insane (or in this case, possessed) human could do. I was stunned. I thought that was a joke. I wasn't freaked out. Not yet. The other students told me it was real, no acting, no joke. I didn't believe them. Nope, not yet.

The 'monkey' calmed down. He coughed and drips of saliva dirtied the floor causing me eww~ed to the max. The class calmed down and we started discussing past tense, a topic they should have mastered by now but they were totally clueless about it. After a few minutes, the 'monkey' came back. This time less aggressive, but more thirsty. He smelled orange juice in someone's bag, took it out, took a sip, before pouring the whole bottle all over himself (or is it, itself?). Poof! The monkey's gone. That boy noticed his soaked top. Yup boy, you just poured orange juice on yourself just now. He's clueless, or at least at that time I thought, "Okay, well done. Good acting. Bravo. Quit it!"

As it happened the third time, I couldn't breathe. I was too scared already. This is out of my power, out of my scope of knowledge. I've never experienced anything like this. I've never visited a ghost house either. I hardly watch horror movies except Ju-on cause everyone talked about it and curiousity just got to me. I hate horror and I hate feeling scared. But sometimes, you just had to be a part of it no matter how bad you want to resist and run away.

Reminder to everyone and to myself; if such situation happen, call other people immediately before it gets worse. Make sure you have the HEM's, Ustaz's and counselor's phone numbers. I just knew that I have to do this. I thought I'm allowed to stand still, stunned, and be a little freaked out. But for the sake of the student and the other students, I guess I just have to be a little bit stronger and courageous. Why me...

Reminder to my students; the thing you learn is syirik. Quit it. Return to the right path. It is bad if you think that all the possessing are fine and just a test to your strengths and power. The 'monkey' will get bigger, believe me. Return to Allah s.w.t... He's The Only One... Plus, don't make me a part of your troop. I'll never keep this secret and I never promised you guys to shut my mouth. This is wrong and I won't let it go. I don't even have the intention to do it even if it happens again next time.

I'm drained and scared, still. I don't know if I'll ever get to sleep tonight. Whatever.

Wassalam.

Pretty Happy...

2011-06-29T19:46:00.003+08:00

Salam...

As stated in the title above, I'm pretty happy today with almost everything. Despite the decreasing amount of money in my purse, everything seems to flow just the way I like it. Well, it might not be as smooth as what other people expected from me, but it's fine. Because today, I just don't wanna care about what other people think about me. 'Coz I believe that I'm pretty loved =)

It still echoes in my ears, the voices of my students calling for me. That kinda make me happy. I'm not the type of teacher who'll get mad at students raising their voice at me, sometimes I think I'm too lenient. But the advantage that I got from this situation is, my students are pretty comfortable with me. Sometimes, they even bully me, invade my personal space, invade my privacy (hand phone, hand bag etc.) and so on... Miraculously, none of the personal and valuable items especially money had ever gone missing. Alhamdulillah... I wonder why but I believe it's because I believe in them and trust them fully. I never suspected even an ounce that there'll be one day that I'll lost my money etc. Deep in my heart, I treasure them (mushy!)

They might not be the best at attitude and discipline. They're bad at reading too... But I like the fact that they smile at me every time they see me. They didn't hide themselves or run away as I approach them. They're honest, a bit timid, noisy, naughty, and the negative list can go on and on and on. But I wonder why when I got a little bit late to the class, students from this class are always the ones who tried to find me. Amazing, I should say. And for this reason, I want to treasure them no matter what people say about them <3

From the 3rd floor of the building, they called my name. It's either, "teacher", "cher", "teacher Falah" or "Teacher Korea"... See? Cuteness overload... Waving at me, smiling, asking nonsense things sometimes, smiling again, yelling, laughing... Gah! Seriously, they're noisy... really... but cute... really cute... Even the most delinquent among the delinquents has his cute side. I might be weird after all haha!

I think I'm walking on cloud nine now... Maybe I had too much coke just now. Maybe I'm sleepy. I'm not very sure. But I'm very sure that I'm pretty happy today, honestly. Alhamdulillah...

That's all~ Going to do something else. Daa <3

By; A teacher who exchanged a lot of PEACE sign with her students (and everyone wonders why she did that - believe me, she wonders about it too), Al-Falah

I Am My Bed's Best Friend...

2011-06-26T01:05:00.002+08:00

which is the main reason why I left this blog for so long. In this more advanced technology age, I've also added a few things on my "to update" list which include Facebook, the most dangerous and addictive among all... But bed is still my priority especially since I'm already working. As I get back from work, I'm almost totally spent.

Salam... (this is so wrong. It should be on top)

It's been long and a lot of things have happened. School happened, love happened, break up happened, holiday happened, marriage happened, friendship happened, death happened - though I'm not exactly and fully aware of ALL those happenings. I thank God for giving me the chance to still see the world and appreciate it like everyone else.

Actually, I don't know what to post. I think I've lost my touch at spontaneous writing. I used to be shocked by own writing. My hands just moved, and I didn't exactly think hard on what to write. It just flows, like it's really from my heart. I miss that.

Erm... Should I just get back to my bed now?

Oh wait, I should tell you about the incident last Friday morning. I was quite late to school since I had to prepare my students' record books for the Parents-Teachers Interaction Day (or in simpler words, Open Day) which was going to be held at school on the very same day. I didn't exactly speed while driving - it was the exact same speed I use every time I'm at a place where a lot of other vehicles and people are concerned. So, I drove at about 40-50 km/h, I guess. But still, accidents happen. And when a baby boar who failed her road crossing test is concerned, anyone could do the same mistake as I did. Yup, I bumped into the baby. Poor baby, I just want to say I'm sorry that you have no sense whatsoever about road safety. I just wished that you were not badly injured (there's no trace of blood on the road nor on my bumper) and that you're still alive, healthy and strong like your mum. Gosh, guilt just washed over me, all over again. Though I had to change the bumper and the radiator of my Baby Ken and it costs me RM545, I don't really mind. I'm not a fan of boar, excuse me, they're not that cute and it's not like I can touch them freely too. But I want to know how it's doing now... So, if possible, I want to know though I don't exactly know how.

Today, believe it or not, I starved myself from 9 a.m. until 7 p.m. and the only food I ate at 9 was Roti Jala. By 4 p.m., lapar golek2 I, you know. I didn't have my car and I didn't want to burden my roommate to get me my lunch or buy me anything to eat. So, I just shut myself in my room, tried to think things other than food, golek2 some more, etc. But once I started thinking about my car at the workshop, my stomach got emptier and emptier, my hair almost stand. And I almost rolled down to the floor. I was THAT hungry. I can't imagine how hungry are those people who didn't get to eat for days... I can't even stand a few hours of hunger. Shame on me... not really.

And I got a new bumper and radiator for my car. Looking nice baby! I love the new bumper! The tauke said that it's better if I paint the bumper but I think it looks nice that way. I like the tauke and the workshop. Nice work everyone! They should work at MTV Pimp My Ride or Overhauled TV show =)

Lastly, I knew it that 2PM Junho will make it big. When everyone's setting their eyes on the bulky Taec, the prince-like Khun, the tall and good-looking maknae Chansung, and the cute kitty Wooyoung, Junho has always been at the top of my biasness. Yup, he always got cut. He's almost invisible. People were calling him "the one who looks like Rain" instead of his name. But now, suddenly, everyone's putting their hands up and agree with me (that Junho's just, awesome!). I wish I copyrighted him before or something. But I should copyright Yunho and not him, so... that's out of question.

That's all. I can't get too long in here. I should sleep. Tomorrow (oh, it's Sunday already, so Today) there are plenty of works to do. Sleep time! Tata!

By; Al-Falah who loves LG Chocolate BL40 despite what people say but she definitely won't buy it cause it's too expensive.

This Teacher Playing Truants??!

2011-01-18T09:49:00.002+08:00

Salam...

I'm sick since yesterday. 2 different sickness in total. I was having a pounding headache yesterday, and a stomach-wrenching-ache now, today. The doctor (from yesterday) said that it might be due to stress. That was the first time the word 'stress' is said to me from a professional doctor. It might be a 'manja' word for some people, even my father thought so. People always ignore it the way they ignore flies. I'm just glad that the doctor has pointed out that fact because I was always wondering if my condition of vomiting, headache, stomachache is normal. "The doctor said I was stressed". Yup, that's a good enough reason to think about my life a little bit more. I've been thinking that I couldn't live like this till the day I retire...

I didn't go to school yesterday. Went to school today but later went to clinic and got an MC. I didn't play truant. Well, maybe I did (well, not exactly) yesterday since I didn't get an MC. Yesterday, I went to clinic at around 5 p.m. when the pain in my head had actually subsided. There's no temperature, no pounding, just stress. And the doctor even gave me pills for gastric. Your body is a mystery. You don't feel like you have a gastric but you do. At least now I know, though I have to say that the gastric pills taste super bad =P

I have planned to get my whole body checked after I get my first pay. I haven't done that obviously. Been busy, away from the targeted clinic at Muar, and all. Even during holiday, I have my moments of drowsiness, sometimes unaware of things, vomiting... I just feel like I have to get checked. Am I not scared of the result? Of course I am. What if suddenly I find out that I have a lot other sickness? That's scary! But I still want to know. I feel obligated to know. It's for my body, my future, my life overall.

In comparison to other people, I think that I'm really weak. I can't stop complaining (especially here in this blog), I couldn't bear even just a little amount of pain, etc. Now, honestly, I've been thinking about my other TESL friends who are at school, teaching, and some (for example, Luke) actually have to teach 30+ periods per week. Me? Only 2o periods. And I already feel pressure all over. Well, maybe it is related to the students of 2 Intan who are really noisy when I was teaching. The rest of the students... haah... I can actually breathe easily. I have to admit, my condition now is better in comparison to my practical teaching. I'm not that stressed. I guess I just have to be stronger and have a more positive outlook about life. Just like Yoochun. I really wish I can learn from him.

About Master, I've decided that I won't wait for 2 or 3 years. Once I already have my permanent position (after I pass the SPP interview), I will register for my Master in TESL. After Master, I'll apply for the lecturer position anywhere around Malaysia. I don't know if lecturing will suit me better than teaching. I wasn't saying teaching isn't for me because I set a double standard or that I was looking down on teaching profession. I think these people who are strong and patient enough to be teachers are really great. Since I can never be on the same par with them mentally, emotionally, physically, I'll pass this responsibility to other people who are more suitable with this job. I think that I can never waste my time pondering the same problems about students and all until I retire. I think that not taking Master is too wasting of my young age. I believe in my goal and I'm going to work for it. I just hope my parents will agree with my plan (though I know Mak will get worried because I'll have to pay my debt to KPM if I give up as a teacher).

Isn't life supposed to be fulfilling? Learning is fulfilling that's why I think that I still want to learn for a few years before I gain enough maturity to get into the working world. I'm still learning about life... And I'm still not ready to compete with my colleagues in terms of 'who's gonna get married first?'. Sorry. It's not that I'm confident about living alone. I've been thinking (especially when I'm sick) that isn't it good to have a companion who can take care of me? But relationship shouldn't be based on rash decisions. For me, I want to think carefully. I want to be ready. I don't want to just lean on my partner's shoulders, but to let him lean on mine as well. I haven't reached that level of strength and maturity. And most of all, I don't have any candidate =) It's okay cause for now, I prefer being single (though I'm sick of talking to myself, duh!)

Alright, I should get some rest since the doctor already granted me an MC slip. Tata~

By; Al-Falah

Later, Once Upon A Time...

2011-01-13T19:11:00.003+08:00

Salam...

Here and now, people around the world who's calling themselves Cassiopeia has thousands of questions flooding their mind. Here and now, these people have made it a daily, no, hourly, no, second-ly habit - thinking about their boys and the problems surrounding them. Here and now, these people and the media just can't stop making assumptions of things even when they don't really know what's going on. Here and now, I hope that everyone will start to calm down and breathe...

I heard what Yunho and Changmin had to say. I heard what JYJ had to say, too. There might be some clashes of idea here and there. As known, Jae said that he tried to contact Yunho but it didn't get through. Yunho said that he didn't get any of such contact. See... this things are the reality which need to be understood with an easy and clear mind. JYJ changed their phone number. Why? There are a lot of reasons. They wanted to cut contact from those SM people who might be begging them to come back. They needed some space to think, etc. And did Yunho and Changmin change their numbers? They might be. Why? Well, it is known that Korean celebrities changed their phone numbers often. I heard a lot of sayings "I've changed my phone number" and I believe it's normal. Why? Because of the prank calls they might be receiving, etc. So, the fact that Jae had tried to contact Yunho is true, and the fact that Yunho didn't receive such contact is also true. So fans should be rest assured since none of them is telling any lie... I believe and can understand that much.

About Junsu's twitter. No one from JYJ wants to say anything about it, yet, there were many replies. Some of them are hurtful comments towards Junsu as a so-called payback to Junsu's hurtful comments towards the so-called 'enemies'. This is another thing that I wish for people to decipher with an easy mind. Of course, JYJ will not comment anything on that. Aside of the comment, I believe JYJ still appreciate the memories they had with DBSK (and maybe SM) and the people who they cherished as friends. They might be apart, but I believe it wasn't Junsu's intention to tweet badly about everyone, except some, again, some people in SM. The fact that that one tweet could cause such impact to everyone, this is also understandable. It can be easily misunderstood as JYJ has completely turned their backs from everyone in SM and that they thought of SM members as enemies. As Yunho said, it might be a mistake from Junsu's part, but for saying such things, that was quite regretful, since they used to be family. They used to thank LSM, Yoo Young Jin, etc too, so Yunho thanking them now is wrong? Why? Since Yunho is that kind of person, I can definitely see it as a normal thank you words to a person who believes in him. Regretful, that might be a correct word to use... But to some people, especially people who thinks that Junsu's heart is made of glass, this word is a hateful word.

This problems used to look bigger in my head. But as DBSK made their come back, I feel it getting solved little by little into it's correct pieces. Some said it might be the time for Cassiopeia to draw a line between JYJ fans (who would like to be called as Orions) and DBSK fans (who might change their name into Holyshinki - WTH is that, I'm also unclear about it). I say, why? Since we are still one, and that all the members had voiced the same dream to reunite as one, isn't it better to conserve and keep this 'home' as it is? And as they return, won't they return to us? I see there's no need for new fan club, I also see no need to see through the crystal ball about DBSK's future. Later, everything will be solved and it will be just another memories in our life.

Later... Once upon a time, there's this one group named DBSK that fell into a tangle of disputes... Happily ever after... The End. Their lives might not be a fairytale. Even in the case of fairytale, do you think the endings written in the storybooks are the ultimate endings? Learnt from Kurosagi, do you think Cinderella and Prince Charming really lived happily ever after, even when they came from different backgrounds? Don't they have any other obstacles in life, like trying to suit themselves with different lifestyle? The same case goes here. It might be or might not be a desirable ending, they might encounter more and more problems in the future, they might fight each other in front of our eyes, they might take so long to reunite as one, etc. But it's still okay to be positive. I still believe that one day, DBSK will be one of the happiest stories I've ever be a part of. That once upon a time, there's a group named DBSK which made me the happiest person on earth...

I didn't intend for the ending to be this way... I just didn't know how to end it =P

I didn't know where I was going with this blog post too...

... So This Year Will Be Better

2011-01-11T12:28:00.002+08:00

Salam...

It's 2011 already. Pejam celik, pejam celik, here we are once again, celebrating new year for the umpteenth time. I didn't really celebrate it. I didn't watch any New Year show. I didn't wish most people "Happy New Year" not even my closest and bestest friend, not even my family. You might think I was depressed, but I was not. I was reflecting myself, thinking about life, learning through mine and other people's experiences. I'm trying hard to grow up since I always have to race to at least be one year older. The fact that I'm younger is no longer special, at least from my perspective, because the ones who said how lucky I am to already be here at this age won't understand what I'm going through. You may think it's only 1 or 2 year differences, but for me the space where I have to cover instantly is amazingly huge to the point where my entire self can give up any moment. From this moment on, I swear to myself to take one step at a time, not caring about any space. Isn't it time for people to give me some space? Give me one more year and I promise, I'll catch up with you.

As some already know, my uncle fell sick. It was a minor stroke, but I'm not sure if the doctor only added the minor to make us feel better. He still can talk but his speech wasn't synchronized. He said "makan" when what he really wanted was to "minum". His steps were very slow and cautious he always need someone to hold him, support him, and stop him from falling. Sometimes he looked really down and depressed like he was thinking of something or trying to remember things. He can't remember how to read, write, or even spell his own name. I want to be strong at this time and assure everyone that it's going to be alright. But, looking at myself right now, I'm in no place to say comforting words to others. My car broke down, my laptop is annoying, my students keep pestering me to make 'keceriaan' activity which I already promised them to do it today but since my car broke down, of course, I haven't bought a thing to make the class 'ceria', my students of 2 Intan were super noisy, and I resort to escaping by thinking of good things only and leave all bad things behind. It's only the 11th day of 2011 and I'm already this tired.

'Jangan Mengeluh'. I heard this statement a lot of time already. I tried not to. I tried to think that there are a lot other people who live a harder life than mine. But then I started to think, how would I know? How sure am I that there are such people living in this world? I still know very little about the world. I ended up sighing and sighing cause I felt like the road I'm walking is a dead end and I kept bumping into a wall before I got stuck on it. To see my life from this perspective is ridiculous because I now remember that I have thousands of reasons to be thankful. Despite of the darkness I'm seeing, I'm sure I can seek for light and it wasn't that hard. Black and white sometimes sit side by side. For me, it's impossible to stay in the middle, so I chose to stay where I feel the most happy, most content, and most thankful. Thank You ALLAH for still letting me live and learn about this old, old world.

Another thing that is bothering me... is still about the dispute between the boys. It's to the point that I don't want to care, I don't want to even talk about it. They are healing, I'm thankful. But the thing is, who is going to heal the fans? I love DBSK comeback more than JYJ debut, I have to admit. JYJ debut in a way shows that they're getting farther away, it almost seems like I don't know them anymore. It was in the midst of confusion that they have to make me think an rethink what they've been saying before - Always Keep The Faith. They had to make me think about friendship and promises. They made me think about truth and lies. And I was drowned deeper into the confusion. I was happy for a while but my heart hurts later because I still feel like something is wrong. That HoMin might not be smiling. That HoMin might be crying. That HoMin might not move on like they do. While DBSK comeback on January 5th has an absolutely different impact on my heart. It feels like I'm a real Cassiopeia once again. Like I can breathe again, like I can really watch over them again without a heavy heart, like they're one again although there's only 2 of them. Maybe because that certain leader is there... My precious leader... While HoMin is trying to heal themselves right now, I have a good feeling that I will to. I'm not blocking JYJ entirely, like I've said before, I can never do that. As known, JYJ - they have all the best vocals in DBSK (but Changmin won the Scream Award forever and ever), they have the best film, drama, and musical actors but there's something missing. Sooner or later I'll learn about it. Little by little...But it's not the time to keep my hopes up for any reconciliation, it's not the time to dream (about anything but what to do with my life), it's time to see what's in front of me. Accept and take it as it is. I want to keep an easy mind.

We might have 354 days more to go. We might not live that long. Our world might not live that long too. But I guess I still want to take everything in little by little. I'll walk step by step. At the same time, I wish this year will be a better year than 2010. That's all =) Keep your head down.

By; Al-Falah

As Scary As It Sounds...

2010-12-21T22:33:00.002+08:00

So sudden, so frightening...

Maman, semoga cepat sembuh...

Amiin... Ya Rabbal Alamin...

'The' Mask

2010-12-17T17:13:00.003+08:00

To a certain someone who's still alive and moving,

... and when none of the two faces you're putting on aren't working, there's definitely something wrong with you... inside... I used to respect and trust you and you're the one who trampled on each bit of it. From the deepest part of my heart... you need to get them checked; Heart, mind & soul... I'm sad and sorry to see you like this. I don't want to say that I want the old you back, since as I think deeply of it, I don't really know the old you. That might be another mask you put on. Sorry, and I love you (though it might be awkward for me to sit beside you from now on.)

From someone you know, who's at least 20 years younger than you, al-Falah.

Whatever Will Be, Will Be...

2010-12-14T08:46:00.003+08:00

Salam...

As seen in every DBSK fansites, the pictures are revealed. So cool! But I wish fans who are good with photoshop will do it soon, you know, add the other 3 members' pictures into the scene. That will be perfect. I'm not saying DBSK comeback with 2 members isn't good. They have to go on (some fans actually disagree with this, but...) and I think this is the best way. But 5 is perfection and it's natural for people to hope for them to return as 5. Let the time show how much of our prayers will be heard...

I'm in a dilemma right now. I'm thinking of moving out of my rented house in JPK and move to TA. But the thing is, it's quite far from school. Around 10 to 15 minutes. Gosh... I'm thinking of the negative things that can happen if I move out. What if my car breaks down one morning? How am I going to school? At JPK, some of the teachers of SMKBT actually live nearby so if there's anything, they might be able to help. There's also a doctor nearby, an ustaz nearby, and I also know some of the neighbours already. But, the house is as old as a ruin. Well... I exaggerated, I admit. I don't feel comfortable there. The water is smelly, there's no fence around the house, the kitchen is... I don't know if I can actually cook there, I hate the bathroom, the toilet, everything. It's habitable and I admit that I slept like log all night. But, as I wake up, there's an aura coming out of the bathroom and toilet that pushed me away. My throat and stomach don't feel good every time I step in. Not that it's gross... It's just... not my taste. I have the right to be picky at this, cause I'm the one who's going to use it, right?

Seriously... Should I move or not? I've been thinking about the pros and cons... I gave marks and sadly and surprisingly, the house at JPK won. True, there's a lot of advantages living in JPK, but the house in TA is much newer, much more comfortable (maybe), got TV, fridge, washing machine and all... And, I'm going to have a housemate, who's a chemist! How cool is that! It's a way to escape from my dull and boring life, and maybe a way to open up my mind to options of "what am I gonna do with my life 10 years later". Seriously, it's a good getaway. It's a good balance. I'm gonna be a teacher, and I'm living (and maybe hanging out) with a chemist, who is definitely smarter than me. That's good. As I live with her, I might be brighter than I am now. Genius!

Still... should I move out or not? I have bad histories with roommates. I don't know if it will occur in this situation as well, since in this case it's 'house mate'. I don't know... I want to be positive, more friendly, and I really think that I need someone to talk to, aside of my family, my besties, and the wall. And since, she (who might be my house mate real soon) was the one who searched really hard to find a house mate, and suddenly found me, and messaged me, and called me, like she was really desperate, make me believe that she might be a good person. She's close with her mom, since her mom was the one who called me first. She's kind of composed, since the first message I replied to her, "Saya rasa sy tak dpt la pindah rumah awak... Maaf ye =)" and later the conversation still went on and on... I think she's a good person. Hmm... She almost succeed in convincing me to move with her on the spot.

Now, really, I should move, should I??? It's bothering me... It's an okay house, the one in JPK, but the one in TA is better... maybe... I don't know. I need to make a decision real soon. Another advantage of living in TA is, it's near the small town (which has a workshop nearby, Marrybrown, KFC, etc). Thinking carefully about it... It really isn't that far from school. In comparison with my friends who has to take a boat, and then another boat, and get on a 4WD, a train, and reached school after 5-7 hours, 10-15 minutes is really nothing. The house in TA also have a better address. Should it be in consideration? Yes, it should. Since I'm gonna buy a lot of online thingy soon (books, etc). The postman should be able to find that house easier than my current house. The postbox at my current house is so old, the number 22 is faded, and I need my Cecelia Ahern and Twilight books. Now, I should think about fuel. But, now that I thought about it... it isn't a big deal too. Since my rent will be reduced to RM90, I can use more money on fuel. It's just the matter of IF, IF, and IF my car breaks down one morning... How that one simple thing can make me think of my decision over and over again. Marion said I should learn the basic about repairing cars and all... I should buy a book on it, right? I'll be more at ease. If I really want to move to that house at TA, I need a backup plan on "How am I going to school if the car breaks down?". There's no public transport, no SMKBT's teacher nearby... I might need a bicycle. Or give better care to my Kenari. Check her health frequently. Wash her. Yeah.

That's it. I'm more into moving out than not. I should have my decision by the end of today. If I wander about this issue for more than today, it's going to be hard to focus on finishing my Cecelia Ahern, The Book of Tomorrow. Life is full of possibilities, good and bad. It's important that you just live with it, make your choice so you won't regret. The good things and the bad things will come and go. I just have to be braver and more bold in taking my steps forward. I need a good life and I'm going to get it. I don't want to live another person's life other than mine. It's my life and I'm gonna take the lead. And I believe Allah will be watching over me =)

Wassalam...

By: Al-Falah...

It Is Supposed To Be, "Good Morning, People"

2010-12-11T08:33:00.002+08:00

Salam...

It's me again, now complaining about my bad morning. I woke up late. It didn't really bother me (since it's my 'holiday') but since my sister was sleeping beside me, she was also affected. And my mak suddenly said something like, "Cakap nak kawen umor 40, pastu nanti dapat anak umo 41, entah macam mane nak jaga yada-yada-yada-yada"...

I don't think it's too bad a thing to get too worked up. We didn't set the alarm, that is all. Our body clock doesn't really work anymore since we're used to people waking us up. The thing is, almost everyone passes by our room every time they make their trip to the bathroom. THAT is weird! They can knock the door and wake us up but they didn't. And every blame is on us. Thank you very much!

Bad morning, people. Bad morning.

And to think, my mak actually yelled at me at my ear when I didn't tell her about the time once when she was in the bathroom. So, it's okay for my sister to miss her prayer?

Worse morning for my sister. Am now logging off and going to continue reading my Cecelia Ahern 'The Book of Tomorrow" beside my troubled sister.

P/S: I'm listening to rock songs now. You get the idea.

By; Al-Falah

Love The Way I Can't Lie (About Food)

2010-12-11T07:40:00.003+08:00

Salam...

Last night dinner was a 'dislike combo', that's what I like to call it. Though I made the beef soup myself, since my mak asked me to do it, I made it. I hate it. I don't know why but I hate soup (except the creamy type like mushroom soup, Secret Recipe pumpkin soup, etc). And we ate it with yellow noodles - which is another thing in my dislike list. Why, of all things, I have to eat food that I don't like? I don't understand... I believe humans have the right to keep their options open - though they're still 'fed' by their parents, literally. Why when I was little, when I say "I don't want to eat this, and that, and I want to eat this and that!", they easily compromise? And why now, when I'm more hard-headed, have my own principle, have more ego, and endless list of likes and dislikes, I have to eat what I don't like? To say I'm not angry is a lie, since I felt forced to eat those food for at least 10 years, though not continuously. I just hope that when my mak or anyone else in the family want to eat anything that I don't eat, they'll let me buy something from KFC. Peace no war. Mak's cooking is still the best! (minus the things in my dislike list)

They said I'm choosy. Right, I have swallowed that accusation a few times. I don't feel embarrassed that I'm a picky one - I'm actually a minor case among other choosy people in the world. I eat veges, beef, chicken, fish, fruits, etc. See, I don't think I'm a picky eater after all, since I eat almost everything. But to make it clear (so people won't shove what I don't like into my mouth and make me vomit later), here's the thing in my dislike list:

Mi Bandung, Mi Rebus, whatever with Yellow Noodles except Mi Jawa, Asam Pedas (except Asam Pedas Ikan Pari & Asam Pedas Ayam), Pindang, Singgang, Sup Ikan, Sup Daging, Jus Mengkudu, Horlicks, and some other things that I couldn't recall.

Even typing these make me want to vomit...

People always question, how can a Muarian like me don't eat Mi Bandung, Mi Rebus and asam pedas? I've been thinking too but it's not a rule in any book either that if you are a Muarian, you have to eat those stuff. And I've found an easy and non-sarcastic answer, "I was born in Batu Pahat, actually". Clear win!

But... last night, I still had to eat those things. I'm supposed to eat a Mi Sup, but instead I ate a Sup Mi (cause I hate yellow noodles more than I hate soup). It doesn't taste that bad actually - well, to be honest it didn't taste bad at all. But since I already set it in my mind how much I hate the food, it still can't appear delicious to me. Not even close.

I think it's important to be honest about it. It's important that you know how to crinkle your forehead every time people shove you things you don't like in front of your face. It's important to know how to say 'NO'. Though these skills and the honesty aren't really important if you don't really give a damn, it's important for someone like me who has a sensitive stomach.

P/S: My bottom-left wisdom tooth is killing me! I don't understand why is it called wisdom tooth... It can't even grow! It has the least wisdom if compared to other teeth I already have! I think instead of giving me wisdom, it took my wisdom and sanity away from me...

By; Al-Falah

When Words Do Magic...

2010-12-03T20:05:00.002+08:00

Salam...

Tomorrow is a big day for my cousin. Well, actually, it's their 2nd big day. Setelah selamat diijabkabulkan 28/11 yang lalu, majlis walimah akan dijalankan esok di rumah datukku. Alhamdulillah... InsyaALLAH, perkahwinan mereka akan dilimpahi rahmat dan bahagia hingga ke akhirat. Semoga dianugerahkan zuriat yang soleh juga ^^

Let's get back to the main topic. It amazes me every time I found good phrases that touch my heart. Something like what this fan said to Jaejoong about JYJ concert, "Perhaps the heaven wants to watch our performances too," and Jaejoong declared that he received great comfort after he read that tweet. Probably what that fan said didn't really make sense to some (even to me... well, in Islam, our belief on Heaven is different) but it does have the 'serene effect'. It has a sense of assurance, like, what actually happened wasn't bad at all. It almost feel like that one sentence can turn the world around. It can suddenly lift up the burden on other people's hearts.I wish I can do that... I wish I can understand the hidden power of words... I've been wondering what do I need to have to acquire that skill... A good heart, a wide vocabulary, a positive mind, or is it a natural skill... Whatever the secret is, I want it.

Probably I just need to be more understanding. I need to understand people more than I do. I need to read between the lines and detect the slightest change of tone on someone's voice. Haah... There are a lot of works to do.

Sometimes, even facial expressions and body language 'speaks' to people, in a language more understandable than verbally uttered words. As known, Yunho is a very tight-lipped person. Once asked, he answered as precise as he can and no more. And no one dared to ask further. In this case, silence, words, and charisma do magic. (Haha ^^ what am I talking about...)

To all my beloved people, don't get hurt anymore. 2011 is going to be a better year. We are going to grow stronger and walk together towards our dreams. My words might not be magical, not as strong and as effective as other people's saying. But, this is from my heart. Saranghamnida.

P/S: I suddenly want to be Yunho's stalker because I miss him a lot. I wish I have the power to erase his fear of bottled drinks. I wish he's happy now. Best wishes for DBSK's comeback next year!

By; Falah...

In 'Twilight' Zone & Disinfecting 'Hate' Virus

2010-11-29T16:47:00.004+08:00

Salam...

Ok, what's more lame than what I'm doing right now? U know, it's very unusual for me to write a blog post almost everyday except if I have nothing else to do. Well, I can always choose to sweep the floor, do the laundry and all, but I'm still in a very 'relaxed' mood. I don't understand how most women and even very young girls can find tranquility and serenity by cleaning up the house and doing household chores. It's like... yo girls, going online is so much fun! Haha ^^ Perhaps I just have to be more girlie... yeah...

Anyway, since I was so bored last weekend, I decided to watch Twilight movies; the first one and New Moon. At first, I was like, "I don't think I'll like any of the guys - vampires or werewolves". I was actually very pessimistic about the movies cause I think those are just 'another vampire chick flicks'. And since I have my number one vampire hero, Angel, and Farah actually 'hooked me up' with Zero from Vampire Knights, I don't think there's any empty space left. Then as I watched Twilight, I was like, "Ok, Edward is an okay guy... But too pale... Needs some tan", but later he shocked me with his glittering skin... Okay, don't vampires burn themselves under the sun? But, yeah, whatever, and I actually agree with what Bella said, "You're beautiful". Next~!

Eww to Jacob with long hair. I watched him during whatchamacallit movie (something-something-and-lava-girl) when he's still a kid. He's really cute then and I just know he's gonna be hot when he grows up ^^. So, in New Moon, gosh... Again, I agree with Bella, "You're kind of beautiful," But, that guy needs a T-shirt! Like really, really, need a shirt! That's it!

I'm sick of Bella wanting Edward to turn her into a vampire. She seems like she didn't watch much TV. She didn't know the fact that vampires always suffer (but, the fact is vampires don't exist). I'm glad I watched much TV, so even if I get myself a vampire-boyfriend, I won't ask him to turn me. And if he try to turn me, he'll get a slap, punch, kick, and more.

By the end of the movies, I have a strong want to watch the next 2 movies; Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. Overall, I can say those movies are worthy to watch. Beautiful scenery, beautiful effect, beautiful guys... ehem... beautiful plot, etc. And I can't help but to ask, should I be in Team Edward or Team Jacob? I chose Team Jacob cause he seems like a good guy. Very protective. And he saved the damsel in distress. Edward is... somewhat... timid? Running away, or in a softer tune - leaving, to protect someone we love, that's like the oldest love blunder anyone could ever make. The oldest excuse in the book too. "I left cause I want to protect you,". Hempuk nak? Women are not as weak as some men thought. I also have the plan to buy the novels. The Twilight Trilogy; all 4 of them. I'm waiting for my paycheck which I hope I can get by the end of next month. From my friends' experience, like Putri who loves Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, the novel version is usually better so I want to give Twilight novels a try.

Yesterday, 'Hate' Virus came to me. It almost turns into a plague. Luckily I have Wadah-ssi who listened to all my nonsense rambling, I calmed down after some time. I don't want to ramble about it anymore, cause 'Hate' Virus is very dangerous it can spread to your veins and brain. In short, 'Hate' won't bring us anywhere. But, it's okay to get angry once in a while. Life isn't about summer and spring all year. In Malaysia, it's rainy season now, by the way.

By; Falah who just registered as a member of Team Jacob

Me (1) | Me (2) | is still me...

2010-11-28T15:14:00.002+08:00

Salam...

I've just realized that there's a war within me - sometimes stopping me from making any logical decision. But, this is a part of learning and experiencing. Sometimes my brain and my heart don't get along well, so my physics take charge to decide and act, compulsively. But, any decisions made are still my decisions and I usually stand up for it, fight for it if someone said that I did wrong. I'm not in denial but I think making decisions, either right or wrong, is important for me to grow and learn about the world. As sung by JYJ, "I'm not a pierrot, I want to live under a wider sky...". This isn't the road of perfection I'm walking in, neither am I walking on the water. This is not a safe journey nor a dangerous one. This is the road to find the real me and what I'm really after. This time, I might be doing something I least expected when I was a child. But, later, I might smile thinking how I worked so hard doing what I don't like just to end up doing something else. That moment, I don't want to regret but to feel proud of myself.

Why suddenly? Well, I'm actually still thinking about a lot of things. And as I said, I have a war in my head and since we don't live alone in this world, I heard things from other people too. I've been thinking about it all day about when am I going to take Master, etc. A part of me was saying, just wait till the time comes, and then a part of me replied, "until when?". See, I realize that it wasn't long since I've been a teacher and I haven't got the chance to teach yet. But I see the need to think of my future. My future that might be brighter if I take Master. My future that might be more promising and self-satisfying. My mak said, "tak payah pikir2 dlu pasal tu", and I silently disagree with her. For her, teaching might be the safest and most suitable profession for me. For me, I want something else though I have no idea what it might be, yet. It's not like I'm not thankful. I AM thankful that I'm not jobless anymore, that I can now feed myself with my own money and try to repay my parents' love to me. But, I figure that teaching isn't the only way. I figure that I need something that suits my heart, mind and soul better. But for now, I'm glad that I'm here. I still want to further my study, don't get me wrong.

I also contradict myself in the most trivial stuffs - like what songs should I listen in the car, what should I eat, etc. It's to the point that it's hard for people to read me. One time, I'll listen to IKIM.fm and other time, I listen to my collection of Korean and Japanese songs. Since both items are already very contradicting, I can't help but to wonder what people think of me. Especially people who I just knew, in this case, my colleague, I believe they must've wondered which one is the real me. Lucky they don't say it out loud or I'll be speechless. But both are me, right? And I'm glad that I have such flexibility and the right mind to juggle all those interests so I won't stray from the right path.

I'm 22 and most of the time, I still can't speak what's on my mind. It's different with family and close friends, my thoughts can be an open book. I'm living in this house and there are things I'm not satisfied with. But I can't say it directly and strictly and explaining that I have consumer rights to complain. So I end up in a house with problematic pipes... And I can't even tell with straight face that I planned on moving out once the targeted house is emptied. She must've sensed that I felt guilty and planned on convincing me to stay. It's always like that. I'm sure of my decision. This time, my heart, mind, soul & body agree with each other. But, there's still other possible obstacles. Like, what other human says and how it affects me...

Saying I'm too young and inexperienced, that's just an excuse. Since it's already this way, I just have to grow up faster. I have to be stronger so people won't step on me like they do on dust. I believe in myself and I believe Allah will help if we try hard enough. He'll show me the way. I believe...

P/S: Regarding everything happening now, I might waver sooner or later. But I know, in my heart, that Yunho isn't someone I can forget. I'm glad he's my ideal type.

Liking It Here... For Now =)

2010-11-26T13:35:00.002+08:00

Salam...

Today is my 4th day in Kulai, my 3rd night sleeping alone in this house, and MIGHT be my first time going to IOI Mall Kulai (have to buy some stuffs and well... I just want to kill time). Feels like going to sleep first, but I'm afraid I won't be able to wake up before the uncle who's going to clean my lawn from thatches comes. So, that's why I'm here again though I don't really feel like typing anything.

Anyway, I saw a dead cat just now. A dead black cat. But I'm not superstitious so... well, living and dying is a part of the life cycle. I shouldn't be freaked out by that... right? And, I'm not the one who hit the cat. So, as I return home from school, I saw the cat (already dead on the road) and I wandered around for a while before deciding to borrow a hoe from my neighbour (mase ni la baru nak carik neighbour). So, I borrowed and I also get kuih bakar while talking to the ahjumma neighbour. She kept saying that I'm still young and she looks like she can't believe I'm 22 years old. Haha! But she's a very nice person. And the kuih bakar tasted very nice! Then, after eating the kuih bakar, I started digging but the hoe doesn't want to dig deeper. Since the ground is covered by grass, it's really hard to dig in comparison with the ground at my house (which is quite sandy). So, I just left it like that and the ajusshi neighbour of mine promised to bury the cat for me. Now, with all capitals, I want to say, I DID NOT HIT THE BLACK CAT! And since I'm so in love with cats, I'm always very careful on the road so I won't hit anything furry, cute, and they meow.

In conclusion, after observing and viewing the people in Bandar Tenggara these few days, I can say most of them are very friendly and very nice =) So, I'm liking it here for now except for the holes in the road. Silap silap, I might have to change my car tires and the rims. Key point, drive carefully. Now, I'm chatting with my sis and she's using our chatbox to test doing smileys and everything. She's cute but it's to the point that she's almost bihogam... haha ^^ Joking, joking! I'm getting her virus also (now I'm practicing making smileys with her on the chatbox... We're the sengal sisters!!!)

I guess that's all... Before sleepiness come to me, I have to pray and get out of the house. I have to be back before dark anyway. The road can be an eerie place when it's dark =) So, chow! chow! chowder!!!

Bye2...

Kulai, Here I Am~

2010-11-24T20:35:00.002+08:00

Salam...

Erm... I should be praying my Isya' prayer, tuck in early, etc. but I'm dying to share some stories in this blog! So, the good stories or the bad stories first? (response being ".........") Alright, whatever... Anyway, I'm here in KULAIJAYA!!! Well, I'm still confused actually whether Bandar Tenggara is in Kulaijaya, or Kluang, or Kota Tinggi. Like, seriously, I'm confused! But, it doesn't really matter... I've started my orientation session since yesterday, already 'lapor diri', tour around Bandar Tenggara and got lost a few times, got a house for rent, suddenly have to get a Maybank account, etc. I think I've just concluded everything right there! There's no need to type too much!

... But, I just wanna share what I did this morning. Well, since my trip to Kulai on 22nd November wasn't carefully planned and I, myself, didn't really get what KPM meant by "sila bawa barang2 kelengkapan secukupnya", and since I wasn't prepared for on-spot orientation on the same day as the briefing, I had to return to Muar to pack my stuffs (which take half of my car space) and return to Kulai the very next day. To be exact, I woke up today at around 4.30 a.m. to continue packing my stuffs, ironing my clothes, photocopying those important document, etc. and started driving at 5.45 a.m. Seriously, I wasn't exactly scared or anything at first. I drove at night before and I believe driving in the morning is better. Well, in a sense, it is better. Minus, the THICK FOG!!! I was scared... There were a few spots surrounded by thick fog, limiting my view to only a meter or two. But, alhamdulillah, I reached school (after speeding and slowing down continuously due to the existence of speed trap detectors) safely. As I reached school, the SPM candidates are reciting their prayers before walking into the hall... it was around 7.45 a.m... Almost, and very close to late ^^ And the principal was nearby when I arrived... He didn't say anything... Phew, again, alhamdulillah =)

I have a house to stay already. It's a good news... BUT, the fact that I'm living alone in this house creeps me and my family (expecially my Mak and my Nyai) out! Yet, after I'm convinced by almost everybody from the school (those nice and caring teachers from my school) that this is a safe neighbourhood (though the house isn't surrounded by fences or anything of that sort and has thatches that grow as tall as me, and the fact that there used to be a MURDER here in Bandar Tenggara), I gave up worrying. But no, not completely... I'm still a scaredy cat! I wish I have a house mate soon~ (I'm thankful that the house on my right is occupied by a family with a baby. Surprisingly, I feel calm when I hear the baby's crying... It's like... "Aaah~ I'm not alone...")

In record, today is the 2nd day of the orientation. Nothing much has happened at school. But I've met some of the teachers already including the admins (principal, HEM, GPK 1). So far, they are ALL very friendly! I'm burdened... No, don't get me wrong! It's just that, I'm not the friendly type and I kind of get this idea that, 'Ah, I have to be like them too!', and that somehow burdened me cause I have no idea how to be as carefree, friendly, and all-smiles as them. But, after a heartwarming welcome by the GPK 1 yesterday (who welcomed us with a hug - that shocked me! I seriously don't hug people I just met!), I think I'm going to give it a try. It's going to be hard... Instead of smiley face, I might end up doing Joker face (or poker face)... But thank you, fellow teachers (or should I say 'colleagues') for showing me the way all this while... Thousands thanks from the clueless me...

Tomorrow, I'm gonna have to work in the library, classifying and coding some books. It's going to be fun, I guess. I still have to write reports but I insist that before the 'surat penempatan & lantikan' reached the school, I'm going to take it easy. What if suddenly, in the 'surat penempatan', I am actually offered to teach in other school? Well... still have to think negative once in a while right? *shrug shoulder* People make mistakes and one of the most frequently done mistakes are, lateness. Me not getting the letter yet is one of the examples. Not pointing finger at specific someone though.

I have to sleep. My vision is already very blurry... Have to go to school early tomorrow. Still trying to show good first impression (since I screwed up today). I'm actually happy that I don't have to teach yet, but, it's coming... soon. Well, what do I expect? I'm a teacher, so of course, I have to teach. Anyway, for now, I'm blessed with this 3 months orientation, so I can prepare myself better, hopefully. And, yes, I've decided to take master (after 'sah jawatan'). That's all for now! Kulai isn't that bad (yet Muar is of course the best - at least for me) and it might not be bad at all. Still, can't wait to go home though I'm not homesick. 'Home is where the heart is' and I found out, just now, that this really applies in my situation now =)

By; Falah Sonsaengnim~ A Proud Muarian~

Don't Make Me Hate You!

2010-11-21T00:47:00.005+08:00

You,

Stop saying anything if you don't even know how it can hurt others,

Stop explaining things like you've forgotten how you love (or used to love) them,

Stop making yourselves the only victims,

Stop turning me into a fool,

A fool who gets mad one day, and happy the next day,

A fool who can easily forgive you, and suddenly pretends to understand,

A fool who always tend to forget about the misery the others might have,

But, alright,

Since you're loved by everybody,

Even if I hate you, nothing will happen right...

But...

I don't even want to hate you...

So, don't make me...

부담...

2010-11-18T15:09:00.004+08:00

~ I need a house at Bandar Tenggara, Kulai! Pick me up, anyone? ~

Salam...

At last, I know where I'll be teaching. 2 hours (158 km) away from home, I can't help to feel a bit 부담 by the news. Yet, this is where I'm fated to teach so I guess, I'm okay with it =) Hope Allah will give me strength... Amiin...

I guess it's time to push everything trivial aside and start to mature a little bit. I know it's not going to be easy especially since it's always a challenge for me to suit myself with a new environment and meet new people. But, there's no other way to face all these but to be positive and try to be as strong as I can. I might have to push myself beyond limit until I can feel comfortable with this profession. I just have to DO IT!

I've scrolled through the school's blog. From the pictures posted, it looks like my primary school - surrounded by a lot of greeneries and quite far from the city - but with more buildings and prettier landscape. Ack! Note the part "far from the city"... But, looking at the bright side, it's a good environment. More oxygen and clean air to breathe in =) Might have better skin condition after a few months too... Might save more money too... I'm still listing all the positive points in my mind... this might take a while. I'm still trying to digest all the info...

Anyway, I have to be strong. Even if I am to teach at the school near my house, I still have to be strong. There's not much difference. It's just that I'll have more chance to be independent. GANBATTE!!! I CAN DO IT!!!

By; Falah Sensei =)

Holding IT Close To Heart...

2010-11-17T02:15:00.002+08:00

Salam... and Salam Aidiladha =D

I've been spamming on my Twitter wall yesterday, saying that I'm a strong person and all. I was trying to motivate and calm myself. I think it's a good method, although I ended up talking to myself haha ^^ I felt more at ease after that, thanks to Twitter.

Anyway, I've just read Jaejoong oppa's Tweet, saying that he's been listening to 'Toki wo Tomete' again and again after so long and that he's now sad and wanted to sleep early. I, also, can't really listen to the song. Even their song 'Break Out'... I haven't listened to it for quite some time now. It kind of hurts =(

But, even Jaejoong oppa, the one who faces all these problems still have the courage, strength, and will to listen to this song. He's the one who listens to his own voice in the middle of other members' voices throughout the song. He, and 4 other members, are the ones who miss DBSK and their perfect harmony, teamwork, and friendship the most. So, I have to make myself strong too. Thinking of it, this was the moment when everything is a havoc; their teamwork didn't really work out, they were awkward on stage (with a stone-faced Yunho) and the fact that I've seen a really skinny Changmin in the MV, etc. But, this is also the moment when they gave their everything (despite the hardship), when they really stood to what they believe in, and when they were fighting to prove that whatever happens, they can face it. This song was sung when they were at their weakest, yet strongest. And, I, as a fan, should embrace it and value it (I think, more than any other DBSK's songs ever recorded).

Toki wo Tomete (stop the time) - But, time can't be stopped. People move on, yet the memories are still there, close to their hearts. Jaejoong oppa was reminiscing the past (probably still wondering on what went wrong) and most probably missing it. It hurts, but I believe there's still happiness fluttering in his heart as he listens to their songs. It wasn't all bad. In comparison to the bad things (including lawsuit), there are many other good memories made with the members that he still want to cherish. I'm glad he still believe. I hope HoMin and the others also have the same dream - to perform again as 5.

Again, I think it was unfair that some fans blamed HoMin for still using the name, DBSK. Yes, DBSK is made of 5, neither 2 nor 3. Yet, I believe this is for the best. That the name, DBSK, still lives on while waiting for everything to be settled. I believe HoMin also realize it, that DBSK will not be the same without the other 3, yet they also know that they have to move on. While JYJ is moving forward, DBSK also have to move forward. While we can see red lightsticks everywhere in a JYJ concert, we can also see as many red lightsticks in a DBSK or SM concert. This unites us fans and this prepares them (and us fans) for the future, although separately. Once everything is settled, once they can get together again, they'll merge as ONE and again stand on ONE stage, as DBSK... (Don't ask me what to do with the name JYJ later on? I haven't thought about it yet)

So now, I'm gonna try and listen to Toki wo Tomete before I go to sleep ^^ Chaljayo everyone and again, Salam Aidiladha~ Ja mata ashita!

P/S: I want to embrace the pain I have in my heart every time I listen to their songs. I guess that's the only way to overcome the sadness and live on =) Now, I see nothing wrong with crying.

By; The girl who hold DBSK memories close to her heart, Al-Falah~

Dot Dot Dot...

2010-11-15T21:08:00.003+08:00

Salam...

I hate, hate, HATE this feeling. It feels like I'm bursting inside... I'm still calm outside though - no one notices anything so far. The news about posting, Yoochun wants to quit Twitter, SNSD going to court against JYJ, listening to noises around me (made by my very own and very much loved family members), my cats can't stop mewing (even after I fed them), don't make anything better. I'm in my 'serabut' mode now... I think the only solution is, sleep...

Posting...???! I have to be ready for it.

Yunho: Chunbi dwaesso???

Me: .................... I have to be ready for it... There's not much time left ^^; Mu-so-wo!!! Nan chunbi halkkeoya oppa! Kokchong hajima!

(still in 'serabut' mode)

The thing is, I'm pretty shocked with all the rumours. Well, it depends on the school actually, whether you have to keep working throughout Disember, whether you have to be there and supervise SPM exam, etc. I, with open arms, hereby promise, that I'll accept anything coming my way with positive mind and good attitude, confidence and power, so I won't disappoint my school, myself, my family, etc. I promise (& you, my blog, is my witness)

I hope for the best for me AND my friends! Ganbatte minna~

To Yoochun, stop making me worried la honey. You ni kan...

To SNSD, one word against JYJ, I'll delete all your videos... No mercy! Feel free to check your list of antifans once you gave out any statements against them. If suddenly it goes up, check if there's my name in it! Whether it's Tiffany or Seohyun, no mercy gurls... I can't stick with you if you hurt my boys... DON'T. HURT. THEM!!! (although the reason you come to court is for their case - if there's no case, you gurls won't be there - still, please, don't hurt them... I apologize for their part instead that you gurls were brought into picture). SM! Stop toying around with people's hearts...

And Mak, stop yelling at me, please~ Cause I'm a good daughter right? It's not my fault that I'm in love... I fed the cats, I cleaned their *&^$$ each and every time they missed their 'spot', I took them out every time they sneaked into the house, I washed the clothes, I folded them, I cooked (sometimes), I swept and mopped the floor, etc. So, spare me please Mak... Cause I love you~ More than I love DBSK, JYJ & HoMin... So, rest assured... I totally know my priority...

That's all. I'm gonna 'chunbi' mentally & emotionally for more posting news tomorrow (cause I'm gonna call JPNJ to ask for details) and for the trip to Malacca to hunt for Nabil's 'rumah sewa' for his industrial training. Gotta tuck in super early! Baibi!!! Mata aimashou~

Salaaaaaaaaaam...

By; Strong Girl, Al-Falah~

Posting~

2010-11-15T07:51:00.002+08:00

Salam...

Akhirnya, 23hb November ni akan tibalah masa aku 'diserahkan' kepada sekolah tempat aku bakal bertugas. Cuak tak cuak, itu lain cerita. Yang penting, kerja, InsyaALLAH, dah pasti dalam genggaman. Alhamdulillah... Itulah hikmahnya ambil kursus perguruan. Walaupun lama tanam anggur yang tak berbuah-buah, akhirnya sampai juga berita baik ini padaku dan keluarga (yang tak sudah-sudah, saban hari bertanya soalan yang sama). Kini, terjawab sudah...

(Adeh ^^ Skema Bahasa Melayu ku...)

Di manakah aku bakal ditugaskan? Tapi yang pastinya, seperti yang telah dinyatakan di dalam surat bertarikh _________, aku akan ditugaskan di negeri tempat tumpah darahku, Johor. Teman sekuliahku, Aina, menyindir, "Tak keluar Johor la kamu~"... Aina, ku doakan kamu juga akan dapat Kelantan ^^ Amiiiin...

Tak kedengaran pula khabar dari Putri samada beliau sudah mendapat surat atau belum...

Semoga semuanya berjalan dengan lancar... Semoga dapat dekat-dekat supaya aku boleh membawa mesin exercise ku dan kucing-kucingku (dan komik-komikku serta CD2 ku sekali) tanpa sebarang kesulitan. Ataupun lagi senang, dapat sekolah di taman sebelah... Jalan kaki pun boleh sampai =)

Moga-moga semua urusan dipermudahkan... Amiiin~

Wassalamu...

P/S: Call me Miss Nurul~

Pena Al-Falah, Peminat DBSK dan seorang penulis blog yang syok sendiri...

DBSK (In My Dream)...

2010-11-14T06:26:00.003+08:00

Salam...

Aigoo~ As I wake up this morning, the feeling was very heavy (???). How to say this... I felt like crying, or maybe just sitting at the bedside and stare into space. It's been a few months since I last dreamt about DBSK... I admit I thought about them yesterday (like, really thought about them - the crisis and all). Though I miss them a lot, I wish last night dream is happier (but I'm just glad to see them together again - even if it's only in my dream...)

I dreamt of them as 5 (of course). Everyone is so good-looking as usual. It's around this time I guess (with the case still going on and all). They were supposed to go on-air for a radio show. At first, Jaejoong was holding a magazine and I made a good guess that he's reading about DBSK comeback ^^. They were supposed to have an interview and sing live... Until suddenly, when Jaejoong took a rest on a sofa behind the other 4, he saw the sorrow on YooSu's faces... Those expressions, a mixture of sadness, tiredness, "I-can't-do-this-anymore" faces. And Jaejoong suddenly stood and smirked, "Yah, let's stop all of this now," (he actually said it in Korea in this dream, "Ya~Uri keuman haja!"). And suddenly the scene focused on HoMin's faces. They didn't look good as well... They looked so lonely, depressed, and lifeless...

Look, I'm not making Jaejoong an antagonist or anything... It just happened to be that way in my dream...

Ok, let's continue... Then, the scene focused on YooSu. They were staring at each other like they didn't know what to say. Then Changmin said, "But, we're already in the middle of it,". He looked so calm when he said that, like he was expecting it or something (or maybe because he's always that calm). And then Jaejoong looked at Yunho (he looked like he didn't really like Yunho in this dream). Jaejoong said, "It's not like anyone can stop us, right?", while smirking a bit. Then Yunho looked down to his feet and he looked like he's been thinking and hesitating. At last he said, "I can't stop you guys,". Then Jaejoong said, "Good," and left the scene with YooSu...

Ok, it's time for me to take a deep breath...

Then, the me in this dream walked down a place which looked like a golden stair of an exclusive hotel. Then I saw DBSK in the middle of everyone at the lobby - it looked like they have caused a scene and there's a huge crowd of people. I was mad because of what Jaejoong said and did. I don't know what came to me (i was crying at that time) when I suddenly threw the magazine which Jaejoong read before to his feet, in full force. And everyone was stunned and they stared at me. I only saw Jaejoong at that time and I really can't decipher the look he had at that time... Then i walked out of the hotel while suffocating and catching my breath, and I fell down at the side of the hotel. I almost fainted, I guess. Then some people came out and helped me (i remembered a girl who looked like she's a nurse...??? with the nurse uniform - yeah, I guess she's a nurse). She helped me to walk into the hotel one more time and everyone was staring. That time, I could still feel Jaejoong staring at me... He must've hated me or at least thought, "who's this crazy girl?" (haha^^)

Then I took some medicine the nurse gave me and went to sleep. And as I woke up, I felt a hand holding mine... It was Yunho's... Changmin was right beside him, and JYJ was a little far back...

Gosh...

I feel like... crying...???

The saddest part in this dream was when Yunho said, "I can't stop you guys"... And the fact that it's Yunho who sat at my bedside as I gained my conciousness and hold my hand... I miss him a lot =(

It felt so real... It's almost comparable to what happened now... That JYJ decided to leave because they can't stand to be under SM's claws, but Changmin thought that since they're already in the middle of everything, why not hang on until the time comes (since he's the youngest and he's the one most often praised for being so ambitious and true to his words. Also, most reasonable and mature at times)... And Yunho, as a leader and close friend, will never stop them from doing whatever the other members thought were right...

I guess I must have missed them as 5 a lot =( And since my mum said something like this yesterday, "Kenape la suke sgt kat kafir laknat tuh?", I cried in the bathroom and think about how much I treasure them in my heart. It doesn't matter what religion they follow, right? Since they're good guys... Yesterday was a sentimental day, and then this dream came to me...

I guess I'll end this post now... I need my cats... for emotional therapy...

P/S: I don't hate Jaejoong... He's my number 2...

P/S 2: I can't stop listening to Hoot~ (i think I still have to finish this post in a happy tone~)

By: Al-Falah, Yongwonhi DBSK~

I Also... Always Wonder What It Means...

2010-10-25T00:56:00.002+08:00

Always. Keep. The. Faith

So some people interpreted it this way, and I think this is the best definition so far;

"Accept and support Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu as JYJ, please. What do you expect JYJ to do? Put their career on hold and wait till they lose the lawsuit and join HoMin again or they have to wait till HoMin get out of SM?

JYJ have to move on and YOU have to move on too. If AKTF only means having faith in TVXQ reunion, then i advise you to GIVE UP THAT FAITH! Cause you got it all wrong. AKTF is much more beautiful than that in my opinion. It means you have faith in TVXQ guys' decisions & keep supporting them (as trio, duo or individual). Hopefully someday, they will reunite.

I'm sad off course but I find blaming JYJ for their tatoos, 3-star photo, shouting names... so lame. I mean seriously???? =.=..."

Easily Bothered? Take a Chill Pill...

2010-10-21T07:52:00.002+08:00

Salam...

Suddenly, my abah kind off added another daughter in our siblings list. And she's no other than my very own cousin (let the name be a secret). Suddenly, my abah is busy planning for a wedding ceremony, meeting people for catering service, preparing invitation cards, and dealing with the "other daughter's" emotions. I'm not jealous or anything... I just think it's irrational to involve my father too much into her personal matters, especially if the personal matters involve sobbing, talking bad about people, being overly worried about non-existent stuffs or matters in the past, etc. It's ridiculous...

She's going to get married at the end of this year... Somehow, after witnessing all this, I kind of wish I can get married earlier than her so my abah won't have to deal with her antics. Last night, she made a big deal about my uncle's SMS-es. She has this neighbour's invitation card and she's supposed to hand it to my uncle so she messaged him about the invitation. My uncle then straightly said that he can't go to the ceremony... Then she SMS-ed my abah telling that she's upset with the reply from this uncle...So, he said he was busy and couldn't come, so what?... I really don't understand what's the big deal? I know, it's her responsibility to give the card so she might feel a bit burdened. Maybe she's a bit worried cause the card is still in her hands and probably she's feeling like my uncle was actually saying "I don't even want to see you, so what's with the card? Just keep it!"... Something like that probably... But if I'm in her shoes, I won't feel disappointed at all cause I think this is totally nothing to be worried of. Probably I'll ask to my uncle, "So should I still give you the card or should I keep it?". Besides, those cards will go to rubbish bin sooner or later, so, stop being so sensitive.

Her road to her marriage, which is just around the corner, was pretty bumpy. Her parents were against her and my uncle (yes, the very same uncle mentioned before) and aunty were against it too. That guy can't possibly win everyone's heart especially with the image that he had when I first saw him - has longish hair, smokes, sing in public. I, myself, don't have a good impression about him. So of course, other people made big deals about it, saying he can't be my cousin's Mr. Right. But she likes him (or like she said, loves him) very much and suddenly the table turned and everyone started to blame my uncle & aunty for spreading bad rumours about that said Mr. Right. Like those were all rumours... I was there when he has his hair long, smokes, and sing in public. Probably my uncle & aunt went overboard, you know, telling more than they should. But still my cousin should just get over it and not sobbing or crying or whining to my abah anymore about it. Maybe, she should tell his husband-to-be about that. Don't bother my abah more than you already did!

And JYJ rocked Malaysia!!! =)

... Totally a whole different story.

Anyway, I hope by the time she got married she'll settle down really good, get matured a little bit, be less sensitive, be responsible, not so easily bothered by simple stuffs, etc. I wish for her happiness and may her marriage be blessed by Allah S.W.T. Amin.

That's all. Wassalam...

When The Time Comes...

2010-10-15T09:43:00.003+08:00

Salam...

This week has been hard. I buried 3 kittens, all Yaya's and I'm heartbroken. Those are cute little kitties and they were barely one month old... I told Yaya that it's better to stay in the box but she wouldn't listen... She kept moving her cubs here and there. I kind of blamed Yaya for it - I mean, a part of it. She's a cat, of course she wouldn't listen. It's been raining too, so it's imaginable how cold it is to sleep outside especially for babies... Not like I can take them in even if they're still alive, so, whatever happened happened. So, they're gone, and Yaya's left with no kids...

People have been asking me when will I get my posting. I want to scream, "HOW WOULD I KNOW???"... It gets irritating, really. And I don't know whether I should be touched or what by certain people's sudden care towards me, but that was just 'amazing' and amusing. Yesterday, as soon as my dad got home, he told me, "People at school have been asking whether you've started teaching or not"... Look, people, I don't work at KPM okay. And it's not like I haven't checked KPM website once a week. It's just not out yet, okay. Patient people and please, stop asking (sarcastic smiles x 100 - Oh, I want to scream... But that would be rude...)

Can I not write about DBSK in this post? Okay? Good... Cause I'm not in the mood...

By; Al-Falah

Don't Know What to Say... Now...

2010-10-04T07:37:00.002+08:00

Salam...

It's been a while. I've graduated, Alhamdulillah and is waiting for KPM to decide where and when should I start teaching. I'm too lazy to upload pictures you know, cause uploading will surely take a very long time. Probably, once I already clear my head from certain stuffs, I'll upload =)

Anyway, I just want to share what I feel about JYJ "The Beginning". I SO wanna go to their showcase concert this October and it's rare to see them here, that's for sure. And after what they've experienced so far, I would like to see with my own eyes that they're okay, happy, healthy and still doing what they're so passionate about - music. As I mentioned somewhere (probably in Facebook), I can never take side. I might not be able to watch everyone closely like I did before cause it's harder since they're now separated. I'm never good at multi-tasking =) But, my love for them never fade... I tried to suppress my feeling but somehow, some people got the wrong idea - that I've given up. No, I haven't... And I wish they'll stop comparing me to other Cassies by saying "she still stick to DBSK..." while they make wild assumptions of me dumping them for good. Again, no, I won't.

I might not have stories to tell about 'DBSK' and every time people will ask me about the progress of their case (when I don't really want to think about it). But, my heart isn't that fragile anymore. I've learned that being true to yourself and to other people is the only way. So I often tell what really happened... It's just that, the things that excite me is decreasing time after time until now that JYJ is going to comeback not just as anyone but as international artist. I'm proud of them =) And I bet the other two are as proud, they might even have their 'tears of joy' moment. No matter what, I still believe in their friendship. They might have decided to walk separate ways but that reasons are not strong enough to break the bond that they've built almost 8 years~ And JYJ sang in their song "W", ~keep in mind that I love you~... A simple but very meaningful and heartfelt declaration of love towards the other two and Cassiopeia. Don't ask me whether I cried or not cause no Cassie has succeeded in restraining their tears when they saw the performance, taking sides or not. Because it's general knowledge that guys hardly fake their tears and that their tears are real.

I can't wait for the album, really. Although I'm also waiting for Changmin and Yunho's comeback (which I thought will be earlier than JYJ since their positions are much more stable and they are supported by a 'faithful' company), I believe JYJ's album is gonna be spectacular! Working with Kanye West (and was it Dark Child?) and writing their own songs for international release, that's a great achievement! Although it's still gonna make us fans miss the other 2 voices... If only SM is a bit more considerate, HoMin might have also make it in the album, who knows. I'm tired of blaming SM (and AVEX, lately) so let's just leave it like that, okay?

.... This post really have no connection whatsoever with the title rite? But I guess the title is much more honest than any other part of this post =) Cause if I can say what I really feel right now about them, I will, but I can't. I really can't describe it. Perhaps I'll get the right words once I see them together again as 5. For now, everybody is still healing~ And good luck to Yoochun for his Sungkyunkwan and Scandal (and best of luck in 'healing'). I'm now downloading Heaven's Postman with subs! and Jaejoong's gonna act in Korean version of 'Poseidon'? Wow~ Although I don't know anything about Poseidon nor do I have any intention to find out about it, once Jaejoong oppa has done it, I'll definitely check it out! =D Jun-chan, good luck for your Musical with Leway~ You're getting great at musical! We're so proud of you!!! Yunho, I can't wait to see 'Haru' and please ask SM to let you comeback very soon! =) And Changmin... where's your drama??? And please stop ripping your shirt! Since we're the same age, I really feel uneasy when you do that... Don't wanna see it at all, really. Please cover up real good okay? =D

... Alright, as I thought, this post is just gonna be another randomness from my part =) But I feel better. I'm now reading manga but it's not that good. The girl blushes uncontrollably and I found that annoying! But the plot was good (hate the drawing anyway). I'm supposed to hang the clothes but I guess I'll do that a bit later. I'm also supposed to feed my cats but right now, I'm too lazy to even stand up. Wait for me my cats!!! That's about all... Gonna continue reading the manga =) Bye2! And to my friends, congratulations for graduating with flying colours~~~

P/S: Feels like painting my room fuchsia... then paint my bed white... And I want JYJ pillowcases LOL~

By; AKTF, Al-Falah~

Festive Season Much...

2010-09-20T08:42:00.003+08:00

Salam...

2 weeks break for schools and colleges means a chance to reunite as 5; to see everyone we call family, close or not so close. Eid for some means "dapat duit raya" or "dapat makan ketupat" but for me, at least this is what I was feeling lately, a chance to meet someone... Ya Allah, please give me peace here in my heart...

I was stared at. And this wasn't the first time... I don't like it but I think that person has been wanting to say something. But, please, don't stare. Just tell me! After all, we used to be friends. You're my best childhood friend forever and ever and that fact isn't going to change. We didn't know growing up can turn our friendship into ice... If I know, I wish time would stop...

I want to talk to that person like before... Seriously...

Eid might also means "eat till you burst". That happened quite often if I'm to summarize. Mak didn't make ketupat this Aidilfitri cause everyone requested her not to. Kind of bored already with Ketupat. So we had nasi beriyani... Then, went to grandparents and ate more and more food. In some extreme cases, I was forced to even swallow what I don't like (in short list, Mi kuning, sup daging, and mi bandung). I felt like vomitting... Sometimes I wish people can read my mind so I don't have to eat those things. Anyway, maaf zahir batin... (and I still ate all those stuffs and am still alive)

Mak doesn't feel good today but still have to go to school. That, is a cons of going to open house, eating what was served without knowing the ingredients. Mak might have eaten daging kambing or something... This isn't what "Eid" is supposed to mean. If I'm to do open house, I'll do vegetarian food. Anyone allergic to veges? Don't come (and I'll send you a Hari Raya kad with "deepest apologies" written inside)... And sorry, if I know that in the open house served what I don't eat, I might choose not to come...

Eid shouldn't mean "increasing amount of spoiled food that were later thrown away". This morning at 3 a.m., Mak woke me up and asked me whether I slept early last night. I said yes (I fell asleep after reading some comics). Mak said the Mi Bandung gravy she made yesterday was spoiled already and seriously as I woke up, I can smell it. It stinks so bad... And I was the one throwing it away (it seriously bubbling I thought it came to life and made weird sound plus smells so bad that I almost feel nauseous). It might have been my fault for not keeping it in the fridge before I sleep. But it wasn't intentional. No matter how much I hate to eat mi bandung, I won't let it spoil if I'm to tuck in late... Maaf zahir batin Mak (for sleeping early and not eating your mi bandung yesterday. I really can't eat it). And don't get me wrong, Mak isn't mad at me =)

Eid to me means family gathering. I have my time with family, I can sleep with Uin, see everyone's smiling faces. I don't care much about the food (but I must have Mak's rendang). But in real fact, Eid means us Muslims are winners against our wants and nafsu. Congratulations and Selamat Hari Raya!

By; Al-falah...

Random...

2010-09-01T08:58:00.002+08:00

Salam...

I personally like the aroma of baby oil... I have a bottle in my room but the last time I used it was when I was still at UTM... Probably few years back before I started going to hair salon, got my dandruffs treated, and the hairdresser told me "You cannot use baby oil for your hair! It's too oily and it can cause dandruff! Use this!" and she showed me a bottle of pink substance that smells nice and smooths my hair to the roots. But the thing is, I still like baby oil (but I'm not using it anymore, as I mentioned before)

However, my room, here, at home, smells heavily of baby oil. Every time I enter the room, I'll recognize it straight away that it's the smell of my Johnson's Baby Baby Oil. Okay, so I've checked for leakage and loose cover. None was found. Question mark (?), does baby oil smell so strong it can penetrate its container and spread across my room? It's just weird that my room always smell like baby oil. I know it smells nice, but seriously, I'm kinda freaked out!

Or, question mark 2 (??), WHO USED MY BABY OIL??

... That question is quite irrelevant since there are only 3 people in the house right now. Me, my dad and my mum. Abah definitely didn't enter my room, uh uh, really, never! And mak doesn't use baby oil... I didn't use it too! Even if Uin and Nabil are here, the baby oil in my room will remain untouched. Why? Nobody's interested in using it.

Weird! Case not closed and I'm still trying to solve the mystery... Gimme the light!

By; Al-Falah @ "Freaked Out" is an understatement in this case actually... Is my room... hokshi... haunted??? OMG...

... But we're still in the Ramadhan month

I Wish I Can Put Multiple Titles for This Post

2010-08-28T12:07:00.003+08:00

Title 1: Angry with no reason

Title 2: Needless to say

Title 3: Warmth, warmth, where art thou?

Title 4: Positive

Title 5: Don't hunt me down, broken promises!

Title 6: Allah Provides the Best Medicine for My Heart ^^

Title 7: Still Keeping The Faith

Title 8: I Don't Wanna Care!

Title 9: Come Back, Nabil!!!

Title 10: HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.........

Alrite, emo much! CIAO!

I, actually, don't know what to write so I kept my words short =P

By; JiYulIm... I'm not my usual self, I think...

Wanting to... Just Wanting...

2010-06-30T08:53:00.003+08:00

~ Etah dalam Kenangan *sob sob* ~

Salam...

I've been meaning to write more often but I just can't come up with any interesting story. Stop! My life is pretty interesting and a lot has happened this very very, or should I repeat, VERY long holiday. I miss my brother and sister - okay, they had their holiday but you know what, it's too short. My kittens (2 of them) died and Etah (the innocent and loving adult male cat) also lost his way and didn't come back since like 2 weeks ago (maybe he wast cat-napped or something... Is 'cat-napped' even a word? Duh!). Yaya got blood dripping from you-know-where that makes me wonder do animals also get their period (??!). Abah said she's probably having miscarriage but first and foremost, is she even pregnant? If miscarriage, I bet more weird things are supposed to come out from you-know-where... You know, like dead kittens, perhaps... Eerie, I know. But, I'm too used to it already. Lately I've been dead-kittens-handling too much that I learn to not be affected too much anymore. Seriously, you'll feel that way if you see your beloved kittens dead and your favourite male cat ran away from home...

Again, I have to edit my uncle's paper... Still working on it. Been wanting to finish it by bla-bla-bla dates but never been able to do so. My life isn't exactly busy but I'm making myself busy with a lot of 'exploration'. Yeah... It's interesting how reading doesn't make me feel bored or sleepy anymore. Online e-books are just great! ... which is probably the main reason why I haven't finished editing those papers.

The thing is I'm not making myself clear of which should come first. For me, waking up, I'll pray, probably helping a little bit before my parents go to school, go online until I went dizzy, get some nap, clean the house (do laundry, cook etc etc.), parents return home, watch TV together (or eat, which is rarely now cause we're having this fasting marathon since my favourite tailor actually made my Baju Kurung for Raya smaller), take care and play with the cats, and etc. No, I hardly touch the paper, which is actually one of my priorities... I should finish it by 15th July or I'll really burden my uncle and embarrass myself~

And I've been wanting to bring my Yaya to animal clinic... But I don't know where Jalan Sri Abong is. Call me a Muarian but I can easily get lost in this small town... Although I said that I won't be much more affected by anymore loss, but I can't lose Yaya. Not that cat... That beautiful and friendly cat of mine~

Random. Just random. Bye Bye~

P/S: Teaching... Still thinking about it. When I say thinking, it's 'positive'... Okay, so the 'negative' signal still interrupts, so what? Back off!

P/S 2: JYJ, do whatever you want to do. And Yunho oppa, quit wearing shorts~ I still have to take care of my eyes. And Changmin, I'm glad you put on some weight!

By; Jiyulim who not so silently suffers from cat loss

Been So Long... Again

2010-06-14T09:13:00.003+08:00

Salam...

InsyaALLAH, if nothing happens (this definitely sounds better in Malay - kalau takde aral melintang), I'll graduate on September 2010. Now, it's resting time for me. Staying at home, doing nothing, is no more a rare occasion =) Checking facebook, updates on LJ bla bla bla, that's how I spent my so-called pastimes... when I actually have a PhD paper to correct. Gah! It's so hard... Unexpectedly difficult... I felt like I can sweat profusely and cry vigorously... (Joking, of course!)

JYJ has been formed, Yunho oppa is active with solo activity, Changmin still acting, and I'm still aching seeing them separated. Even my abah now knows that this group of 5 amazing people is on the verge of 'breaking-up' for real... I wanna tell myself not to hurt but no, I can't. I wanna be happy like Yunho oppa asked the fans to feel, but really, I can't. I want to see them as 5 again soooooooooo baaaaaaaad... Some may say it's not worth it, you know, crying for them, but hell, I don't care. I wanna cry, at least at heart... cause I so badly want them to be happy... Like they used to be when they're 5...

It's not the same. Junsu's solo without the other 4, JYJ without the other 2, Yunho modelling without the other 4... It's like incomplete Mathematics formula or unsolved Add Math problems. It's troublesome, depressing, and saddening. The final answer for all these problems is 5, and forever 5. 3 doesn't do, 2 doesn't do, 1 doesn't do but since I promise to look after them no matter what, these numbers will do for now. Been so long since they're five, sometimes 5 doesn't sound like the correct answer anymore. But, I'm keeping the faith... that 5 is the most beautiful and perfect number on planet Earth... (I used to think that 4 is the most perfect number but number 5 proves me wrong... whatever)

I just watched JYJ sang Whitney Houston song and they're as good as ever but it's lonely... OMG, loneliness with all capitals! I so wanna cry, and they cried during the concert. They can't help it... they felt bad... but things happen... Right now is not the time to blame anyone but to find solution. If 5 is still significant for them, they should work for it right? 5 is still significant for me... cause they're lonely if they're not as 5...

I should worry about my future but I'm worrying of someone else's future. Those guys have jobs, money, LIFE, and me... I'm just starting. They must have been thankful albeit being pushed and pulled here and there since they're teenagers. At least, they're sure of something and they now belong to someplace. Me? Me and teaching seems like the only chance. It sounds right if I shut down all of my senses... It doesn't sound right when I'm perfectly sober and aware of everything. Sad, isn't it? So, the boys definitely have thousands of reasons to be thankful... Compare me to them, we're different like Black and White, one has light shines upon them and one is covered with total darkness... I gotta stop with the 'Why Me' and why am I connecting my fate with theirs? That's just... so weird of me. Probably their problems is getting to me. That must be why... But really, they should be thankful...

I'm not blaming anyone. They have their own share of guilts and sadness. It's not JYJ or HoMin's fault and it's really easy to blame everything on SM. But really, they have time to think about everything. It's been months and they already shed tears countless time... People are hard to please, and when you work with people of course they expect something from you. Sometimes you gotta sacrifice what you earn to cover everything else like your juniors' debut and all, but sometimes you gotta think that people who works hard days and nights with little sleep, shed sweats on stage and all DESERVES to be treated accordingly. SM and DBSK really has to settle this or I won't recover from this headache. And I don't plan to be a lawyer...

My heart is still here, and they are still here in it. Never out of picture... Never as 1, or 2, or 3, but as 5. It must hurt our boys (if they heard something like this from a fan), but they got to face reality that they want it too... Nope, they don't want it, they NEED it. Sometimes, we have to sacrifice what we WANT to get what we NEED. It might hurt but at least you have each other, right? I'm selfish I know. I just miss them so badly that I don't care anymore. I hope they have some of my selfishness so they might want to settle this earlier and just get back at it.

I'm ready to face bad news. I've been ready since they stopped their activities in Japan. But I'll still cry if the bad news come up. My words will be, "I've expected it, but just let me cry my heart out. I love them so much and it's still hard to believe that they can't be together anymore..."

Okay, gotta stop it or I'll be really depressed. Smile always, don't cry (for now). To my boys, please be happy. JYJ oppa, please don't cry anymore... I know none of the boys have any intention to hurt any hearts. They were just doing what they thought were right... I still love them no matter what. They're humans like us and humans make choices. Let's wait and see where this will lead us to... Am I nervous? Definitely. But I'll make sure that I'm prepared emotionally and mentally when it comes up. I'll cry... for not more than 2 days... I promise...

That's all. I miss this blog but I just don't know what to write. This holiday I've been planning a lot (want to buy a house, want to take Masters, etc) but I'm still waiting for teacher posting so nothing can be done for now. Love ya, and I'll forever 'write' (although not as often as before). Bye...

P/S: My favourite DBSK's Korean song is Jigeumchorom and my favourite Japanese song from them is Forever Love... Yup, I'm the mushy and romantic type so what? Laugh at me all you want (but yeah, I'm embarrassed haha)

By; Jiyulim and her head is full with DBSK (and her forever love is DBSK...)

Again About Dream...

2010-04-20T22:05:00.003+08:00

Salam...

Okay, I definitely cannot classify this one as horror. It's not humour or romance either. It's genre-less - probably. In short, I dreamed about putting on a ring on a guy's finger! It's okay if he's this guy:

Well, I didn't really get a good look of that guy. I just knew that he's wearing red shirt (or was it orange?), wore a cap, and had a good number of accessories here and there. To be honest, I'm not so into guys with too many accessories. Even if I'm into them, Mak will kill me straight away haha ^^

What's with me and dreams lately? And what's with THIS dream? It seems like my brain likes to create such excitement for me; vivid imagination which will make me blur once I woke up. Seriously, I don't mind if it's this kind of dream cause it's pretty funny and sweet too. As long as it's not horror :-) I'm gonna catch some more dreams! Can't believe that I'm already this sleepy...

By; Al-Falah, the Dream Catcher!

I Wanna Fly to the Sky (160410)

2010-04-16T19:20:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday to me,

Happy Birthday Dear me,

Happy Birthday to me...

And this year, I want to fly to the sky :-)

Sky is the limit! Aja aja fighting!!!

P/S: To my deary friends, thanks for all the birthday wishes :-) You're the best!!!

By; Birthday Girl 160410, Al-Falah @ Jung Ji Yul Im :-D

Too Many Things, Too Little Time...

2010-04-13T21:05:00.002+08:00

~ Dedicated to Wadah-ssi! (My unnie is so cute right? ^^) ~

Salam...

I have too many things to do. Things including studying for my exams, editing my PSM and sending it for hard-binding, going to facial with Put (and probably with Wadah and Farah), going picnic, going to eat Sushi... you name it. I believe there are a few other things which I've forgotten to mention.

In conclusion, I have a lot of things to do albeit it's almost the end. Hmm... We should plan well or if not, nothing will get done, right?

P/S: I think by the end of the lawsuit, some fans will apply to be lawyers or volunteer to be terrorists (just against SM). SM's calling for war and it's nobody's fault but them. Bye2 SM. I hate you, officially (since August last year).

By; Al-Falah (Wonder what's on my mind? Dig it!)

Listen to My Head-beat

2010-04-12T20:30:00.004+08:00

Salam...

~¯It's beating for you! ¯~ You as in "Masalah Pendidikan Semasa". Seriously, I should be done with it by... like days ago. But to be honest, I'm just going to start studying for it like, now? Yeah, now it is. I'm not in the mood for anything, no mood for nothing, I just want to sleep. I don't want to do anything but it will disappoint everyone including myself if I can't answer those 60 questions tomorrow. Now, I'm going to start convincing myself to the marrow that if I don't start studying in the next 10 minutes, I'm going to most likely blank out and pass up with blank OMR paper tomorrow morning. Damn it!

There're too many things in my mind right now and they've been bothering me for days now. I'm not making them as excuses for the late start but yeah, those are probably the reasons! I couldn't sleep well and I kept having those weird and scary dreams (including... yes, including death of the loved ones. God forbids, please... I so don't want that to happen yet. Not now when I'm the weakest person on Earth). I kept getting bored no matter what I do and I can't get my mind straight. It seems like life has gotten gloomy all of a sudden and there's nothing to do (and sleeping is also in the list of I-can't-do-it list). I can't seem to do anything :-(

So, anyone, care to tell me what is happening? Because I want my life back just like everyone does...

I'm afraid those dreams might mean something. People said that dreams around 12 to 3 a.m. are real dreams while after 3 a.m., probably some devils are playing around in your head. I don't know. I'm not sure... But I really want to believe that bad dreams mean that good things will happen. In the contrary of my dreams, I wish that all my loved ones will live a long and happy life... Amin...

Quoting from someone else's blog, mengikut Ustaz Dr. Abdullah Yasin, terdapat tiga jenis mimpi:

1. Mimpi daripada Allah, yang mana merupakan ilham atau petunjuk daripada Allah kepada orang-orang alim atau mukmin tertentu. Mimpi kepada Nabi merupakan wahyu daripada Allah.
2. Mimpi daripada gangguan syaitan/iblis yang meracau semasa kita tidur. (I dreamed about some big, black dogs sometimes before... for 2 days straight, I think. And I believe those dreams are classified under this category)
3. Mimpi yang merupakan permainan tidur, iaitu yang disebabkan ingatan kita terhadap sesuatu perkara.

"Ya Allah, please give me a calm mind and please grant health to my loved ones. I know I'm far from being the best Muslim, but I have never stopped loving You. I'll accept everything's coming but I pray that You could give me strength to face them inside and out when it's really coming. Amin..."

I just hope everything will be okay. I hope I can be calm soon. That's all. Bye2...

By; Al-Falah

Friendship; I Put it This Way

2010-04-11T02:24:00.003+08:00

There are friends we make that are so close it doesn't seem to matter how long we are apart. Once we are together again, it is like no time has passed...

(Not entirely my words but I like it^^ credits to willowx, my online friend)

P/S: This is what I hope for my future and THEIR future... No matter how long is the separation, from without to so little contact, nothing will change. Hope our hearts stay in place even after those time :-)

Yours Sincerely,
A Modest Fan and Friend.

~ My heart is trickling with tears, tricked by fears, tripped by those nasty leers. But I am no seer myself, just a mere human. And I want to do nothing else but hear and peer to understand the truth concealed by others. So I can veer my heart to hang for its dear life when later, everything is crystal clear... ~ Al-Falah.

P/S 2: The new banner is too red for my liking, Jaejoong oppa's hair colour was too bright, Yunho oppa's pose was too stiff and Changmin's outfit was too revealing~ Everything doesn't suit my taste lately... Probably my taste has gone bad (especially with fashion and colours).

Again, by: Al-Falah

It's a Long, Long, Journey...

2010-04-10T10:46:00.003+08:00

Salam...

Yesterday and today will be a big day for Farah. She and Putri left for KL yesterday for IELTS (well, only Farah is taking the test). Putri is always bold in her choice and she's been everywhere these past four years. Last month, it was Wadah. She went to KL alone for a 'heartfelt' and sweet purpose. All of them are brave people... My friends are. And I'm still stuck here in my room doing nothing.

Yesterday, I read a fanfiction. Let me tell you, the language was damn complicated. I ended up skipping the overly poetic and descriptive parts to the dialogues, but then I found out that even the dialogues are unrealistic. Who says something like "You are like a golden crane kneading in the marbled cold water of no end" just to describe that he's one complicated person? It gives me the headache although I love the plot. It didn't affect me much emotionally though. No fluttery or warm feelings... Physically, yeah? I was so damn tired in my head... And my eyes got red.

So in conclusion, I have a long long way to go to be a strong person. I'm not even strong-willed. I'm not a person who will push myself forward even when it's about something I really like. I love language and I'm skipping the complicated part. I love comfort and I love to pamper myself and that is not a description of a strong person. There's still a long long way to go...

It's nearing the end of my study in UTM. What am I going to do after this? I realize that the 'full stop' in UTM is just the beginning of my first 'paragraph of life'. My mind is blank. I want to do a lot of things but most of them are my childhood dreams... I'm supposed to be serious. So what should I do? Is it wrong to try out for my childhood dreams? Is it immature to do so? Questions keep popping in my head (though I love 'popping' dance and popcorn, this is giving me headache).

I want to be a better person. I want to act differently, more bold and decisive with my actions. I want to say I'm sure of things. I want to be more knowledgeable about life in general. I want, to some extent, live an ideal life of a successful person with great career and surrounded by great people. I want to be less shy and depending, and have a say on things. Later, after I accomplish the needed amount of money, I want to buy an apartment with huge living, two bedrooms, a comfy bathroom (with bathtub so I can do my aromatherapy bath once a week), walls painted white, black sofas and lounge in the living room surrounding a pink medium-sized rug, and a wonderful white kitchen. That's not too much to ask but it's too much to work for. Can being a teacher allow me to have all that?

I want to be positive. I want THAT apartment (hahaha^^). Most importantly, I want that kind of life where I'm more independent and bold - at the same time mature and realistic. I want to be a cool and smart 'woman'. What am I supposed to do to be that kind of 'woman'? I'll think carefully about it later...

Just want to share something that Audrey Hepburn said about the recipes of beauty;

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness...
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people...
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry...
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day...
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone...
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.

Umm... It's a nice one don't you think :-) Now, I'm going to play for a bit before doing my assignments. Yes, there are still 'assignmentS' to do. Logging off in 10 minutes! Daa!

By; Al-Falah

어철수가 없죠...

2010-04-07T19:35:00.004+08:00

~ 지금은 공부 시간이에요... supposedly... ~

Salam...

나는 공부 싫다... 머리가 아빠서, 그리구 싫었어... 나는 애기 아니야, 그건 아라. 근대, complain-가 있었어요 지금. 왜남연 첨부다 힘들어... 오해하지마, 이거 다른 사람의 찰멋 아니야. 모든게 나때무네야... 첨부다...

ㅋㅎㅋㅎㅋㅎ...어철수가 없죠. 그냥 지금 머리가 아뿌다.

긋! 디 엔드!

By: 지율임

I'll Stay Where I Am :-)

2010-04-05T19:19:00.005+08:00

I've been thinking of putting down the DBSK posters I have in my room but I didn't. It hurts looking at the 5 of them knowing they will go separate ways. But, luckily it doesn't hurt that much anymore. I just want to smile again, looking at the posters... That's what I'm doing now and I am much happier. I even greeted them before I went for exam today and also after I return to my room. It's better this way - accepting. Because that's what love is about right? Accepting them for whoever they are. And, what's to complain about having posters of 5 handsome guys linking hands with each other pasted in your room? I definitely have no complain. I'm as happy as I can ever be :-) The picture speaks thousands of words - even more words than the latest official news. In short, the pictures show me hope and love, and hope and love I like. The posters are still here and I can never get tired staring at the same pictures. Hopefully, it will still be this way years later because if not, life will get very boring~

Although some may already give up and some believes that this is the end, I'll stay where I am. Waiting is not painful anymore after reading all those sweet letters from BigEast and Cassiopeia, stating that they'll wait no matter how long. Waiting is now sweet... and as I said before, it's not exactly waiting - It's believing.

I'm not a very faithful lover, not that I've ever tried falling in love with a man as couple before. I've changed heart and ideal man for a few times already. But I know that they are what I'm looking for. I don't have to find anyone else... No one can replace them. Even if they want to end it for real, they are my sweetest memory...

Still, every time I listen to their songs, I admit I miss their live performances, their perfect harmony, their happy faces while singing and dancing to the songs. I'll remember how Jaejoong stands in the middle and tilts his head to the right or left depends on who he's harmonizing with. He'll tilt to Yunho if it's Yunjae harmony time, tilt to Changmin if it's Soul Fighter's harmony time, and etc. I think I'm going to miss this very much. I'm going to miss Junsu's almost crying voice when he sings 'Forever Love'... How he sounds so sad when he harmonizes with Jaejoong. I can imagine these beautiful pictures perfectly that it's going to be hard not to miss them. I'm accepting reality but in the same time, I'm praying for the beautiful scenes to be replayed live in front of my eyes. But, as I said, I don't mind waiting anymore. Make me wait forever and I'll wait. I'll stay where I am - as unofficial Cassiopeia, as DBSK's International Fan, and as BigEast admirer.

As tough as it may sound, I'll smile. Even if I'm sad, I won't cry anymore. My eyes might get teary again now and then but giving up is never an option. It hurts more if I give up, right? (Since I love and treasure them so much). I'll walk together with them and smile to them. No more tears even if I watch their old videos, together as 5. No more tears... Just smiles and hopes.

I don't want to imagine the worst situation. I'll let them decide because DBSK is 'them'. Aside from being normal human beings just like me, they have one more name to carry - DBSK. Even if they want to let it go, I have no say. I'll still love them because basically it's Jung Yunho, Kim Jaejoong, Kim Junsu, Park Yoochun, and Shim Changmin who I fall in love with. DBSK is just another name... I love the 5 of them more than I love DBSK (although it will be a waste to give it up just like that).

Basically, I got the grasp. I can love them individually, I already do. So, there shouldn't be any problem right? I'll miss them, that's for sure but nobody is saying that it's the end. I believe that one day... I can see that beautiful scene again - 5 of them singing their heart out on stage, laughing and playing like normal people. I want to see it again and that's probably the main reason why I can never give up. This beautiful picture, I can never let it go :-)

So...

Today I had my first paper on EST. I hope I did it right although question 1 was rather confusing. I'm quite confident with Question 2, but still, I wish I read more. Haha... But, it's fine I guess. Hopefully, I didn't screw the first question badly. Ugh! I'm confused about authenticity since like forever. Authentic? Non-Authentic? I don't know... And I just know the genre in fanfic, AU, means authentic. How slow am I... haha...

I'll have a few days to prepare for my CALL paper. 9/4 - CALL2 - KTDI Hall. I'll get ready earlier this time because I like CALL very muchachas :-)

That's all. And I LOVE Jung Yunho, Kim Jaejoong, Park Yoochun, Kim Junsu, and Shim Changmin!

P/S 1: And Yoochun oppa is going to have his drama too and he's the main actor! Cool ne~ Work hard oppa but don't forget to take your meals because I love your chubby cheeks so much, I'll cry if it's gone :-) I'm looking forward for too many things right now, my mind might dysfunction. But since it's these guys I'm talking about, my mind fights against all the possibilities of mind dysfunctional... Cause my mind also love these guys so much! Heart, mind, and soul, all still fluttering with LOVE :-)

~ Trying hard oppa? It looks cold so take care! ~

P/S 2: I don't easily say the word love. I'm definitely not cheap. When I declare I love someone, I mean it and I'm serious. It might change for whoever who cares, but isn't love about appreciating the now? I said it before and I retreated somehow but at least I never regret loving. It's just that I find someone that I love more than the others and that a change of heart can't be denied. So my heart might change again in the future? I'm afraid too... But, reading too much on the future will just make you doubt a lot don't you? It's a matter of believing yourself and the others. If it's true love then it will keep growing till your last breath. Rest assured and live the moment... That's what I'm doing. (The mushy me is back!)

By; Al-Falah - Guys, ILYSM! And anything is possible if you just believe... Because "Asu wa Kuru Kara"...

Thank You DBSK :-)

2010-04-04T13:38:00.004+08:00

I was shocked, sad, blurred, confused, nervous, scared... but aside of all that, I'm still a happy fan. Why? It's simply because I feel thankful that DBSK has been making me happy since I first lay my eyes on them. Simply because they bring love within my heart which I never imagine I can have. Although there are also tears, rage, and heartbreak, DBSK is my love and that fact won't change. And no, I'm not letting them go. Never. I still love them as DBSK although they've decided to pursue solo activities from now on. I'm not letting my hopes down. I still love them and that's final. Group or individual, it doesn't matter for now. I know they know that we're still here, never tired of waiting...

I won't say I'm 'keeping the faith' for granted. I won't say it just for the sake of saying or because other people are saying it. In my heart, that's what I want to believe; that all the 5 of them will be together again after everything is settled. Their paths will cross again and they will be even better than they had ever be. So for now, their solo activities are the best options to watch over them from far. I'll keep my eyes on them although it will be difficult (because I'm so bad at liking too many people at one time). It has been easy since they were a unit before so I love them as one. This is a new challenge for me which I gladly take.

It's a lie to say that I wasn't sad to the core hearing about the news; Tohoshinki is to suspend their activities in Japan. In fact, I still feel it deep inside my heart. But I can't be selfish because if I'm already hurting like this, they must have feel even worse. In my heart, I should still be here for them. Should I wait for years? I don't mind anymore. I won't call it waiting... I'll call it believing...

I cried. We cried. It's harsh; reality is. Though this is probably not a permanent decision, reading the official news about all this just show how weak my heart is. When everyone swear their faith last night, I prefer to cry and think about all the negative possibilities. I was selfish last night and one night is enough. Now, I want to think about them, for them. Because this is not about me or the fans anymore... It's about their happiness and I want them to be happy. No, they are not selfish... They're just humans who have to make decision for living though the decision is obviously painful for everyone including themselves. Some solutions for this; fans have to be united and take care of them through ups and downs. Throw all the sadness away and walk side by side with the five of them. Be happy for them. Smile for them. Make them know that we're still here for them. Tell them, "It's okay oppa. We're here for you."... And yes, we're still here. We're not struggling, not at all. We're here because we want to and we're stronger than people think we are. We're DBSK's fans after all...

I want to be strong... Stronger. I believe they have something to say later on, revealing something that can possibly hurt or make me happy. So I definitely have to be stronger. I have to be ready for any revelation and still be here in my spot, believing. As hard as it may sound, I want to do it, for me, for them. Because I know it is hard for me to love others...

To DBSK oppa, don't say goodbye. Not yet. At least be happy if you want to say it. The end is not supposed to be like this. DBSK deserves better and you deserve a happy ending (if it ends). I'll always love you...

Thank you DBSK...

By; Al-Falah, Always Keep The Faith...

VIVA (Not) FOREVER

2010-03-30T15:56:00.004+08:00

~ Nuh-uh! VIVA is not FOREVER ~

Salam...

I have presented my PSM. I've done my VIVA but I'm not content about it. I know my PSM wasn't perfect and I know that it needs editing. Plus, I was one not-very-supportive-and-cooperative supervisee thus my supervisor had left me last week without editing and commenting on my PSM. I regretted, alright, but there's nothing I can do for now but praying and keep praying and edit my PSM. Fuhuhu...

Probably it wasn't that bad. I stuttered here and there and my tongue went &*^&#$%%^@ but here I am, still breathing and alive. I'm not sure whether what I've presented answered what they were looking for but here I am, lying on my stomach and typing on my blog. I am also not sure whether they are satisfied with my presentation and my report, but here I am content with the amount of instant sushi I bought in Jusco. I just wish it wasn't that bad. I seriously stuttered... How I wish I could do better...

As I stepped into the interactive lab, I saw my 2 examiners discussing which form to fill in (hihi...) and I found out Dr. Halim is one cute examiner cause throughout VIVA, he kept nodding to whatever I said (and when I stuttered, he just smiled). Yes, he was nice but I'm 100% sure that he's very strict with marking. Gah! And Pn. Khairuzilah... She scared me a bit at first due to her serious expression but then during Q&A session, she also smiled. No, those smiles didn't make me feel good (I feel like there's something behind those smiles).

Here's some of the things that they have commented:

1) Grammar (Uwaaa... I'm embarrassed... As an English teacher-to-be, it's really bleh to have bad grammar)
2) My graphs... (They were too colourful, Pn. K said.) I have to be consistent.
3) I should include point 5.5 in Chapter 5 as Conclusion... (But then I did my research based on seniors' and none of them did Conclusion in Chapter 5. No, I'm not blaming the seniors - rest assured!)
4) I should include findings from interview in my presentation since it was one of the main research instruments (I felt so dumb when Dr. Halim mentioned about it - Actually I was afraid I'm over the 20 mins time constraint so I took it out but of course I didn't tell him that. Hihi!)
5) Basically, they asked me to edit my work...

So many, right? That's why I'm feeling a bit down right now. But I deserve it cause I'm a bad supervisee, I told you. Huhu... Don't worry, I'll be better sooner or later. Pray for me, okay? I hope my VIVA will be okay... I hope my marks for PSM will be okay. I hope I can graduate just fine. Amin...

That's it I guess. Well, VIVA is not forever... Life goes on :-)

Bye2!

By; Anak Mak and Abah, Al-Falah.

What is Love?

2010-03-29T16:21:00.002+08:00

Loving someone does not necessarily mean blindly accepting that person as he or she is, but loving someone also means getting to know and to understand that person better.

Maybe that is the secret to everlasting relationships.

The day when you cease to take things for granted, that will be the day you learn to love, really love.

-Sacchie-

This is what I got from reading fanfics although I know very well that I'm supposed to prepare for my VIVA. But I just love it when something as simple as other people's creativity and imagination can make my heart flutters. I love fluffiness... I'm growing up... My parents probably should consider seriously about setting me up with someone...

...NOT!!!

I'll find him myself okay. I'm fine alone for now... As long as I'm not running out of fanfics and fluffiness, I will survive being alone. Cause most of the times, fanfics sound so much better and interesting. What if I'm fated to have a boring, not romantic, mean, crazy husband? Hopefully that's not the case cause if it is I'll stick to just fanfics my whole life...

To Sacchie (although I know she won't hunt me here), I just love your love quote, and you know what, it's true. Loving is knowing someone inside and out and accepting he/she for who he/she is... Hah... My heart still flutters with fluffiness...

Just hope that my love story is also a nice one :-) I have no one for now, but if the relationship ever happens, I want to be the happiest person and make him the happiest person too... Cause an unhappy relationship is just... unhealthy... and lonely... isn't it?

...

I should stop reading fanfics... I can't believe I just got mushy. I'm embarrassed! Bye2!

By; YJ Fan, Jiyulim... Where is the love???

Counting Minutes to Tomorrow...

2010-03-29T09:30:00.003+08:00

Salam...

Tomorrow is my VIVA. I'm nervous. I've started preparing my slide but then it's the 'me' in front of the examiners that matters, right? Whether I can present my project well or not, that all depends on my efforts to make it work. And as I woke up this morning, I've started my speech. It almost feel like I was sleep talking... But the word VIVA is etched in my mind like tattoo, I can't forget! Unless I've finished it nicely and neatly, but then I'll still have to worry about my marks and the editing that need to be done after VIVA. When to buy CD (for PSM soft copy)? That's another thing... Alright, basically there are too many things in my mind right now and I don't have time to sort it out.

3 more assignments to finish - CALL (group work), and 2 language testing assignments. Let me tell you, 2 have already passed its due dates. Talking about unorganized...

And there it went, Yunho oppa's This Is It tribute concert to Michael Jackson... So cool and I love it so much! He looks so charismatic but then I wish that I can see the 5 of them on stage very soon. Following is a video that made me squeal like a real fangirl I am:

~ Oppa! I've been shot by a smooth criminal!!! ~

And he's so bringing sexy back~ Yeah! Hahaha~ I just love him... Hah... How can he be so cool and handsome and charismatic and etc. The 2 days concert has ended successfully. The review was superb since it didn't only mentioned how cool was my oppa on stage but also how kind he was. His sentence "with my performance, I'll warm you up although it's very cold here" make me want to be there! I wanna feel warm too~ Kyaa!!! I watched a lot of tributes to MJ already (before MJ's death and after) and I think oppa's performances were the best! Biased much? I just think that he's still U-Know Yunho without trying hard to imitate his idol and he's cool like that. He did a good tribute performance without losing his identity - That, I like :-)

Okay, enough fangirling. As a DBSK fan, I also want to promote Jaejoong oppa's first Japanese drama, Sunao ni Narenakute which will be aired on 15th April (a day before my birthday! What a coincidence! I'm getting my birthday present before my birthday :-D) and Changmin's drama, Paradise Meadow. Plus, Junsu oppa is going to come up with his first solo single in Japan (of course, under AVEX)... Hmm... He said the music is so Xiah-poi or Xiah-rashii so I'm so looking forward to it (though it is more meaningful if all 5 of them release their solo single too). And Micky oppa, I swear I lost contact with him... He was like, resting at home the whole time :-) But he updated his Cyworld and he sounds happy! He's excited that April is coming (I know, it's because you want to celebrate my birthday right, oppa?) It's okay oppa, I'll look over you and pray for your happiness~ Peace!

That's about all. Gotta work on my VIVA slides! Bubbye! Wish me the best of luck!

By; Yunho's (self-exclaimed) Number 1 Fangirl, Jiyulim... Yunho brings sexy back! Yeah!

Morning Craving & Hunger

2010-03-27T09:56:00.004+08:00

Salam...

I am hungry and the minimart is not yet opened. It's already 10 a.m. Oh! I'm so hungry... Since I'm hungry I'm craving for a lot of stuffs. Sushi, blah blah, etc... And to know that from 12-15 April (which is just around the corner), the RM2 sushi sale will be back, is really not helping. I really have to save money for that cause I so don't want to miss that. That's like my annual food appreciation - I can't miss it!

I've been working on my glogster since 5 a.m. and take a look at the result:http://yul88.glogster.com/letter/

Is it too simple? Gah! I don't know how to do it another way. I think this is the best that can come out from a last minute effort. I am past due date but still... I was very busy for this final semester so I hope Miss Fatima will understand. Huh... Hope that my VIVA will be okay. I'm going to present my final project on the 31st of March, from 11 to 11.30 a.m. Wish me luck! (I haven't yet prepare the PowerPoint. Don't know what to include inside there)

(Still hungry...)

It's true that people can never be separated with food. That's why I agree so much to what this person said:

Don't you just love this Pavarotti guy? I wish the minimart will start their business very soon before I decide for something expensive for breakfast (like going drive-through somewhere maybe)...

P/S: I miss my Dong Bang Boys so much!

By; Hungry Al-Falah

Can I Feel... Nothing?

2010-03-18T20:56:00.003+08:00

Hi....

Here's the thing. I have PSM to finish and a lot other assignments waiting in the queue. Duh! You must be like "Tell me something I don't know". Alright! The thing is, I'm tired. I don't know if I can stand all this anymore. It's near; I'm going to finish my degree, go back and yippie~ I'm gonna live my life for real. I'm going to do what I really want! I'm going to challenge myself with what I thought is not possible. If only life is that easy...

I feel lazy, hurt, lonely, sad, hurt, angry, bitchy, hurt, crappy, confused... Did I mention hurt? Yeah, I did. I hurt. Inside... Because I don't know what I really want already. Gimme the light!

Blah~ This post is blah...

Tell me about it!

Gah!

Okay, I'm stressed. And now I'm hyperventilating!

... Okay, now let me tell you some hot stuff. Well, not very hot. Whatever! Just bear with it.

Last weekend, I had this BIG (Bina Insan Guru) thingy. Basically, it's a camping trip at KTR. I tell you what - I'm not into outdoor thingy much. Although I love nature, I have to say I don't have good memories when it comes to camping. And add BIG in my not-very-pretty memories will ya? BIG annoys me...

I'm a big girl now, who loves comfort out of everything. I know how to pamper myself, you can give me an A++++++ for that. So when I can't sleep the first and only night I was in the camp, I cursed in my heart and asked myself "Why can't I sleep on my bed?". It's weird when I have a comfy and bouncy bed to sleep, they made me sleep on concrete. I'm used to sleeping on concrete, but let me add something - I thought I slept in a microwave. Now I remember why I only have bad memories when it comes to camping. It's hot like crazy!

However, God, I enjoy the night walk very much. But, I wasn't playing fair although it's unintentional. I have company, Wadah-ssi, when I'm supposed to walk alone and be frightened by those humorous facilitators. I think that's the only thing that I enjoyed... And I think the faci deserved my 'Abang sayang! Yeah, whatever!'... I'm not going to let them play around with me you know? I'm not that easy. Hmph!

It's official now that I, just like any other youngsters at my age, is hot blooded. My blood boils the whole time during BIG cause basically I'm 'incapable' to do some 'stuffs'. I can't run, I can't be overly active, I can't hear people who are unfamiliar with me suddenly start the conversation with 'aku - kau', I can't accept it if I'm trying hard to help and they say 'stop! you're doing it the wrong way' when my mum never said anything about my cooking skill, and I had enough when they totally ignore my existence. So, I've decided, it's okay if I leave one day early. Leave the works to all those 'perfect' beings...

Well, and I injured my leg too... Not just because I don't want to be there anymore, I was really injured. Leg, and heart too...

That's why I feel like it is probably better if I feel nothing - cause I tend to act by following my heart. The way I am now, I asked Farah, "What if I can't get married?"... I know, WTH? But then it's connected isn't it? Cause only kids are allowed to act by heart and not by rationale... I'm still a kid. Kids can't get married... You get my point.

Whatever... I'm tired, I want to sleep but I can't. PSM is waiting to be finished. I'm just glad that I have nice friends around me, nice family with great faith in me... If not, I might have break down already. Thanks.

That's all. Bye2...

P/S: Can't wait for Sunao ni Narenakute!

P/S 2: Can't believe it! I ordered The Secret Code DVD and The Secret Code Silver towel! Gah!

By; Jiyulim... I need my Yunho, now! (and I wanna cry on his shoulder...)

Yunho Oppa' Birthday (One-Shot)

2010-02-06T20:12:00.008+08:00

Happy Birthday Yunho Oppa~ Saengil Chukahaeyo~

:: WARNING! The following content is fictional! ::

*beware of my failed attempt in writing fan fiction*

This afternoon, after my meeting with Farah-ssi, I leaned down on my bed just to sprung back again since I've just recalled that today is Yunho oppa's birthday. Since I don't have any idea on what to prepare for his birthday, I just stared at his handsome pictures in my ~NAE SAJIN~ folder in my laptop to get some ideas... Suddenly, Junsu oppa passed by and stood behind my back, watching intently at the screen.

Me: Waah... How handsome... Uri Yunho oppa~

Junsu: Who's that? (the English word he's addicted to)

Me: It's Yunho oppa... Isn't he cool? Huh~ (sighing with dreamy eyes)

Junsu: WHAT??? (suddenly shrieking with his dolphin voice)

Me: ... What?

Junsu: OH MY GOD!!! (shocked and taken aback)

Me: What??!

Junsu: WHO'S THAT???

Me: ...... He's the handsome leader Yunho. My nampyon-to-be. Now quit it! You're giving me a headache...

Junsu: Headache! Hungry! TIRED! (something he said in AADBSK3)

Me: Yoochun Oppa!!! Please take Junsu oppa away from me! He's disturbing me!

Yoochun: Junsu! Come here!

Junsu: What??! OH MY GOD, SUN!

Me & Yoochun: ...

Me: We need Changmin...

Yoochun: I agree with you... Changmin!!!

Changmin came with annoyed look on his face since his 'cooking time' with Jaejoong oppa is disturbed (he's probably just there in the kitchen to eat whatever edible in front of his eyes while waiting for lunch to be served). So Changmin seemed to understand my stare in an instance thus grabbed Junsu out of my room. Lucky we had Changmin around or not I will resort to violence! (Puhaha! Not really since he's so cute~)

Yoochun: Whatcha doin'?

Me: Mmm... Just looking at these old pictures... Aah~ How I miss this smile...

Yoochun: ... Don't you have better things to do like, helping Jaejoong hyung preparing the lunch? (he said this without any ill intention)

Me: I'll ruin it if I go there and help huhu~ (well, this is just an excuse so I can eat Jaejoong oppa's cooking)

Yoochun: You should learn. You know Yunho hyung loves to eat Soondae (bean curd stew) right? Plus, today's his birthday. He'll appreciate it if you surprise him with his favourite food.

Me: ... Soon... Very soon... I'll learn how to cook soondae...

Yoochun: Good good (and patted my head like I'm a little girl)

(I don't know why I always imagine Yoochun as such a caring person... His image is like an older brother to me although most people thought him to be a little 'wild'. Well, I totally can imagine him being 'wild' but in a very cute plus a little bit greasy way~ hihi *don't smack me! I'm not daydreaming*)

Jaejoong: Everyone! Lunch is ready!

Yoochun (to me): Kaja mogo (Let's eat)

Me: But Yunho oppa is not here yet... It's okay, you eat first. I'll wait for him.

Yoochun: Cinca? (Really?) ... Okay...

So I waited and waited while watching videos of DBSK Mirotic Concert at Seoul. Then, Jaejoong oppa came and approached me.

Jaejoong: Why are you not eating? I've cooked your favourite... what the name again? Mmm... (pondering and pouting cutely~ Aigoo Jaejoong oppa~)

Me: Nasi goreng cili padi extra pedas...

Jaejoong: Ha! That's it! Why are you not eating?

Me: I'm waiting for Yunho oppa... Oppa, what did you prepare for Yunho oppa's birthday?

Jaejoong: Mm... Just the usual.

Me: And what is that?

Jaejoong: Nothing, just myself. (Ok, period! I'll explain this later okay! This is nothing against the norm of life.)

Me: What? (stunned like stone)

Jaejoong: What? ... Wow, pause right there! Waah~ So charismatic uri-Yunhoyah... Snapshot palli!

Okay, so I was still stunned cause it feels like Jaejoong oppa just told the world that Yunjae is real. Ehem... But I still did what Jaejoong oppa asked me to do before we're both stunned by the picture of charismatic Yunho in front of our eyes.

Jaejoong: Waah~ Nomu moshisso~ Uri member ya, ottoke~ (he said this once in the making of Wrong Number)

Me: Waah~ Maja... Cinca moshisso... (again with the dreamy eyes)

Changmin suddenly popped up with two pieces of BBQ Olive Fried Chicken in his hand (oh, I want that!). He stared at both of us like we're lunatics.

Changmin: Boya nideul? (what's wrong both of you?) Fangirling?

Jaejoong: Yah! I'm a man and also your great GREAT hyung! How can you say that I'm fan'girl'ing! I'm fanboying for god sake!

Changmin: It's the same (he said with expressionless face)

Jaejoong: Yah!!! (he shouted while launching his body forward to wrestle with the magnae)

Me: ... (Of course I don't know what to do. The way they fight - it's cute in a way. And the reason for their fight - unreasonable. Tell me if there's something wrong with admiring the SOUL FIGHTER)

Yunho: Yah! SOUL FIGHTER! Snap out of it!

Oh... Leader Yunho! He's back with the shining leadership aura around him. How can I not fall for this guy? Plus, he looked superb in that suit...

Jaejoong: Changmin started it first!

Yunho: Changmin... (he sounded like a dad! huhu...)

As usual, Changmin retreated and shrugged his shoulder. While I was still amazed by the image of Yunho oppa in front of me, Changmin was already sitting beside me.

Changmin: Cha! Mogo! (Nah kau! Makan!)

Me: Yay! Thanks...

When it comes to food, Changmin reads me like a recipe book. He might see BBQ Olive Fried Chicken on my face so he bought them before they came here. So nice, Changmin-ah~

So everything turned back to normal except that everyone was sweating profusely and fighting for the toilet after eating Nasi Goreng Cili Padi Extra Pedas that Jaejoong oppa has cooked. It turned out that Jaejoong oppa used Habanero (the world spiciest chilli) instead of cili padi... And all he did then was smiling with happiness (along with overflowing evil aura hahaha~)

Later in the evening, I approached Yunho oppa with troubled face while he was sitting on the couch, listening to some music.

Yunho: Oh, Yul-ah. Wae ire? (What's wrong?)

Me: Mm... Mianhae oppa... I didn't get you anything for your birthday...

Yunho: (*smile*) Kwaenchanha... You don't have to get me anything.

Me: Jungmal mianhae (tears were threatening to get out of my eye sockets)

Yunho: Kwaenchanha... You know what's the best birthday present for me?

Me: What?

Yunho: That everyone - all the other members and you, my cute manura-to-be - are here with me. That's the best birthday present... And today is absolutely the best birthday I've ever had (and oh! he smiled so brightly) ... minus the stomachache...

Me: Hihi (oh no! I giggled like a school girl! Damn it!)

Suddenly, Jaejoong oppa sat beside me and nudged my side...

Jaejoong: See, I just have to 'give' myself to Yunho for his birthday. But, though there's no need for presents...

Silence...

And few seconds later, there were Changmin, Yoochun oppa and Junsu oppa entering the scene while pushing a trolley with vanilla frosted cake on it. As I get nearer to the cake, I can see the writing on top of the cake, 'We Love Jung Yunho'.

It was very touching for me. But, the next scene really made me shed my tears... Everyone was sitting, forming a circle and stared lovingly at the birthday man next to me.

Jaejoong: Yunho-yah, my friend. My forever friend. I love you with all my might and for your birthday, I wish nothing else but your health and happiness. Although it is very hard for us now, I hope you know that there's nothing changed between us. Yunho, the source of strength to DBSK, I'm sorry if I'm a burden for you but we have to keep leaning on you to move on. You're the one that is always here with me and I want nothing else but to wish that we will be like this forever. Yunho-yah... Saranghae... Saengil chukahae...

Yoochun: Hyung, you know I love you right? As the leader of the group, you've sacrificed a lot for us. You should take some rest yourself... For your 25th birthday, I wish that all your dreams will be granted and that you will always be happy and healthy. We're all so depressed right now but I believe that we can go through this as long as you're here... Saranghae hyung...

Junsu: You know me inside and out right hyung? That's who you are - always caring about other people more than caring yourself. You know what I like and dislike and you always cope with me although I might not be reasonable and I always act before I think. But, growing up with you makes me a strong person who can face anything and reflect on my actions. I don't know what can I do without you hyung... Saranghae hyung... Yongwonhi...

Changmin: Komapta hyung for always be here with me. I've learned a lot from you and it can't be helped since I can't learn much from the other hyungs (*smacked on the head by Jaejoong oppa*) OUCH!!! That hurts! ... (*deep breaths*) Thank you hyung for everything. Take good care of your health. Sa.. saranghae... hyung (*awkwardly*)

Okay, so Changmin's wish made me giggle a bit. But seriously, I was crying the whole time since Jaejoong oppa's wish. He looked so sad yet he tried his best not to ruin the birthday mood. And everyone was so sweet and honest with their wishes that I can't hold my tears anymore...

Then I felt a hand crept on my shoulder and squeezed it lightly. I turned my head to see Jaejoong oppa was looking at me, smiling.

Jaejoong: Don't you have something to say to Yunho?

Me: .... Isk... Isk... Oppa-deul... Saranghaeyo... WAAAHHH~~~ (crying out loud)

Jaejoong: Aww~ aegiya... uljima...

And then, everyone was hugging me and trying to calm me down in a tight group hug. Without us realizing, a DBSK stalker passed by my room and took picture of that moment. Luckily, Changmin and his fast reflex had sprinted to catch the stalker and snatch her camera. If not, DBSK fans must have attacked me sooner or later for the close contact I had with those men. As exchange, Changmin gave her their new Japanese single "Break Out" before the girl fainted due to overflowing happiness. Before I could ask Changmin whether I could copy the picture to my laptop, he already deleted it. *SMACK ON HIS HEAD He deserved it...* And later he said, it's for my sake so I immediately cooled down... So, I can only post this picture in replacement of that picture...

Then, we celebrated Yunho oppa's birthday. We ate, sing, and had fun like every other birthdays we have celebrated. Now, everyone except me is already sleeping with their full stomachs. I'm glad that before Yunho oppa actually closed his eyes, I got to whisper in his ears, "Saengil chukahaeyo~ Saranghaeyo~" and he replied with the sweetest smile that I've ever seen...

-= THE END =-

I know exactly how nonsensical this story is but I'm glad I finished it before 12 midnight. Still, I'm a little bit sad that I couldn't do much during Jaejoong oppa's birthday previously. Anyway, to Yunho oppa...

SAENGIL CHUKA HAMNIDA~

SARANGHANI YUNHO OPPA~

SAENGIL CHUKA HAMNIDA~

Happy Birthday oppa and may you always be happy and healthy! Thanks for simply being there in DBSK and for inspiring me to be a better person. Thank you...

P/S: Supposedly, Yunho oppa should pop out more in this story right? Well, he's the main character but with little time screen (Huhu... ottokhae~). Sorry, I couldn't write more mushy scene between me and Yunho cause I'll blush really badly if I do... That's why I never managed to finish my chaptered fan fiction... Huhu...

P/S 2: BBQ Olive Fried Chicken tastes so good!!

P/S 3: About my Yunjae-related comment, duh, I'm a fan of Yunjae. Them as friends, of course :-)

P/S 4: Today's my 500 days with DBSK! Another thing to celebrate but too little time to post! Hihi! Anyway, Happy 500th days anniversary!!! (*Jumping around*)

By; JiYulIm @ Al-Falah (In birthday mode... hmm hmm hmm {humming birthday song})

Let Bygones be Bygones...

2010-02-04T21:05:00.002+08:00

Salam...

So, I met them today. Well, both are very healthy except that I think my aunt is getting slimmer and slimmer these days. But, she smiled so brightly when she saw me today and that really made me happy. It's just that, both of them are still not in a good term which made me myself feel uncomfortable being there, in the middle of the tense situation.

Well, it wasn't that tense. Since they were at their workplace, everything is toned down. But, when I talked to my aunt, I can see my cousin shot daggers at me. Well, that's not necessary, really. I know what I was doing there and then. I just want to talk to my aunt who I haven't meet for a long time. Is that even wrong?

In my dictionary, 'fight' doesn't last long. But I heard my cousin once said, "I won't forgive her no matter what". Like what are you? Perfect?

Sorry that I might be biased, but I love my aunt. There might be differences in our age, but when we talk, we're like friends. Unlike to some others, I'm just a box which they can shove everything in. Secrets, and anything of that sorts. Officially, now, I hate keeping secrets.

I hate bad-mouthing people. In my case, there's no one to bad-mouth really (except when I'm really mad with that person). Maybe I did bad-write on ISLC in my blog and Facebook and I'm sorry for that. They deserve better. So, when these two people bad-mouth each other and I'm in the middle, don't say that I blame just one person. Both are at fault, both should apologize. Both should end this, for the family sake.

When my aunt said that she's now the 'black sheep' of the family, I saw tears brimming in her eyes. She doesn't deserve to be treated like that. My cousin doesn't have the right to bad-mouth her in front of her friends. I know my aunt is at fault too, but I still think that my aunt is doing everything to knock some sense in her head. My cousin must have done something wrong which made my aunt acted like that cause I know my aunt is not the type who will get mad for no reason. She might be strict with her children, so strict in comparison to my other aunts. That's why I feel comfortable with her, cause if I do anything wrong, she'll tell me straight at my face and that actually makes me feel happy, cause that means she care for me. If only my cousin can see it from my perspective, my aunt actually cares for her.

During raya, if my tudung is a little bit see through, my aunt will directly ask why did I buy this tudung. Well, it doesn't mean this question didn't make me uncomfortable but there's no way I can hate her just because of that. Cause I know I was wrong, so I just answered her truthfully and give my reason (that I thought the tudung isn't see through; that the shop was dark). The end, and then we talk like nothing matters. I know that this is nothing to compare with what my cousin has experienced. But, my point is, let's just get over it and live happily.

So my cousin can marry the one she loves now, so what's with the anger? I just think that she overreacted.

Whatever... Anyway, I just want to say, let bygones be bygones. For once and for all, let's forgive and forget. Since we're family, it's painful to feel that one of us is getting farther and farther from us. Always keep the faith!

By; Al-Falah

Yunho & C.N. Blue

2010-02-02T22:33:00.002+08:00

Haah...

What else can I say...

Yunho is one very sweet guy all along with very sweet voice...

And I'm addicted to 'I'm a Loner' by C.N. Blue too...

Haah... (It's official: Yunho oppa is my ideal type hahaha...)

By; Jiyulim, a Yunho Die-hard fan!

Ah~ I Forgot Joongie Oppa's Birthday :-(

2010-01-27T03:10:00.006+08:00

26 January 2010...

Who are you with now? "Them"?

With whom did you celebrate your birthday? "Them"?

...

Anyways, since it's oppa's birthday, it will always be a celebration!

We should forget all the sad stories, right? Cause I don't want to look at oppa's sad face anymore... I'm gonna cry again if I see you like that... Cause you know what oppa? Your smiling face makes my day, every day...

~ Happy Birthday Jaejoong oppa! ~

Sorry that I'm late for a day...

I've tried to remember it last week but I still forgot since I've been thinking about other stuffs which are pretty important :-(

You know I love you right? Since you're my oppa :-) ~as in older brother, don't get me wrong~

Hope for the best for you and DBSK this year in 2010. Hope it's better than the previous years.

Be healthy and happy always!

Keep singing and win the world with your beautiful voice!

And keep believing that "they" will still be with you no matter what...

Cause they are not just fellow group members, but friends you can believe in...

Again...

~ Happy Birthday Oppa!

Saranghaeyo ~

By; JiYulIm (Jaejoong's yodongsaeng)

Options Open...?

2010-01-27T01:02:00.007+08:00

Salam...

Well, it's a few months towards graduation. Here's hassle, there's hassle - until my PSM is finally moving forward in full force, this chaotic life is mine (in my mind, that is). Even if the research is not "on" yet, I just can't wait to turn "off" the power switch. That's how much I want to escape from being enveloped with life matters called WORK. But then, it's my responsibility. That's what make me a student after all so I should have no complain. Yes, no complain at all.

After this business called GRADUATION, one big question mark will again pop in my brain. It is already here (the question mark), but I'm trying to push it to the back of my mind cause thinking of it now, I couldn't choose the best option yet. The options given may "sound" good, but you don't know how it "feels" later. And since, you know, I'm a feeler in that matter, I do care how it feels like so I'll feel great along the path I've decided to take. No regret.

Some of the options are:

1) Of course, the main option for KPM-supported-student like me is to teach at school. Duh! I still don't know yet whether I WANT to teach or not. Mak asked me "If I don't teach then what can I do" which I recklessly answered "Buatla ape2". Well, life is not that easy right? If "buatla ape2" solve everything, then what's the use of my degree? School sounds enticing when it comes to training students to do choral speaking, choir, nasyid, action songs, and all fun stuffs like that. Stuck in the class and in front of blackboard spells s-u-f-f-o-c-a-t-i-n-g for me. I got stressed out; all my nerves, from head to toes will dysfunction in a way that I'm not my usual self anymore. Hypocrite, not? I teach while I don't enjoy teaching. I teach while I'm not confident with my teaching skills. I teach although I don't feel comfortable being surrounded by students. I teach although I so want to get out of the class. Sounds hypocrite enough for me. If I really am going to be a teacher after this, I need to attend counselling sessions first. Or, like Beyonce, create an alter ego image like Sasha Fierce so the one the students see standing in front of them will not be me. Probably more fierce than Sasha... How does Hero Falah sounds? Hahaha...

If I really am going to be a teacher after this, I have to make myself strong enough. Really! On the outside people may see that I don't complain much if people shove works to me straight at my face. I just take it (and complain later) and take it and that goes on... So the stress is building on me. Teaching, from what I've experienced before, has its own fun moments. But, the moment I stepped into the class - STRESS. That's the first thing I feel. I need to take stress management courses cause I obviously have issues on that. If not, in few years time after I turned into a full-time teacher, I might teach in a mental ward... nauzubillah. And I don't want that. (Can't help being negative. My imagination is running wild...)

What's great about being a teacher is you get a lot of holidays (well, not really from my observations on Mak and Abah). My plan is (if I'm going to be a teacher) to teach in the morning during weekdays, prepare stuffs for next days at the evening till late night, learn piano on Saturday, shopping and go back to Muar on Sunday, go to interesting language courses once a month, go to trip overseas once a year... This sounds great if only this can really happen. Can it?

2) Something my uncle said... Mmm, I think it's about going for the lecturing field instead of teaching. Sounds good, but in my ears it actually sounds like the same song except that the notes are of different octave. Teaching and lecturing...That's why I couldn't decide. Filling in forms are easy works but can I do well the moment I step in as lecturer? I know "xde keje dalam dunia ni yang tak stress, sume stress". That's right. I think I just have issues that's all, but do I have what it takes to be a lecturer? Another big question to answer...

Seeing it from the perspective of a student, lecturing seems easier than teaching. But, how about behind the scene? You got lots of other work to do.

3) ELC - English Language Center (If I'm not mistaken). Just fill in the form, wait for reply, get a minimum 3.2 CGPA, and if you're chosen you're going to get Tun Mahathir scholarship (RM 4500 per month for 3 months). In short, you're going to have to attend 3 months "working practice" before working there for real, and that is if you are the ones they want. Quite a renowned center. But you know, one of the conditions to apply is, you CANNOT be tied with other scholarships. As soon as I heard Dr. Zaidah said that in class yesterday, I know it's a closed book for me. Although Farah said "try to apply it first and cancel KPM scholarship", I just can't be convinced enough that this actually sounds better than the rest of the options. I just think that it's too good to be true. Besides, cancelling KPM is easier said than done (How am I going to pay for that large amount of money?)

In conclusion, well, part of it, from re-reading my post up there, I believe I have certain issues in myself; stress management issue, confident issues, low self-esteem issue, negative thinking issue, scared-to-voice-my-opinion-out issue, etc. You name the rest. Don't pity me!

For now, I still haven't decide on anything yet. I heard from many people: Mak says just be a teacher (while she tries hard to convince me how being a teacher has been very fun for her since students got smarter due to her hard works), Abah said be a teacher for 5 years while taking Master and later do what I really want (which I don't know what, yet), Maman said "try for the lecturer spot at UiTM", Dr. Halim advised to be a teacher first for at least 8 years (so long!), a tutor who replaced En. Razak said to apply straight to Master then PhD then be a lecturer while working as a tutor (with salary), my cousin said "ikut Falahla..." & Uin said... "Ntahla kak"...

I've decided to take this course so what happens in the future is my responsibility, isn't it? No matter how weird it might sound but it is. But at least, this keywords are the ones that help me decide to get in this course few years back:

"Newsflash! Sekolah2 di Malaysia kekurangan guru Bahasa Inggeris"

So, if anything happens later in the future, this statement has its share on the blame. Haha! Will this statement still affect my decision for my next step? Hanya Tuhan yang tahu... Gotta do Istikharah straight after final exam. I just hope for the best for myself, you know. Cause I hope it's not just me there in my future. I picture me + happiness... And that's all I wish for.

That's all. Getting late~ and class at 8~ (Wow! It rhymes!). Sweet dream!

P/S: Got jealous towards some girls who were, in some ways, flaunted their femininity in front of my namja, in a very, very inappropriate and indecent manner. And I'm sulking cause my namja responded to it... Although it's just a dance, his eye-contact with the girl is still... I prefer him staring to space with that gorgeous eyes of his. Oppa, how can you do that? Huu... It's late~ and I sound weird... Pardon me! Sorry!

P/S 2: BREAK OUT is finally on sale today! Go go BIGEAST! I leave it to you to prove that they still rock the world! ~Always Keep the Faith~

By: Al-Falah (I want my handsome namja group leader with pretty eyes and smile back, you _________! Aargh! I can't curse! Nanti hilang ilmu!!!)

All Kinds of Sickness

2010-01-23T13:00:00.005+08:00

Salam...

I'm only 22 years old (well, not really... Going to be 22 this April to be precise). Yet, I feel really old right now. I mean REALLY old... I think my bones are going to fall out from it's real position just by walking (and I tried running last night to return HEP blazer to Kak Wiwi, which made my joint in the leg hurts like hell!). Okay, the truth is I'm not into exercise regime - the most difficult exercise I've ever done is badminton and tennis and that's about all. And, I've stopped doing both cause it's not the "season". Probably, due to lack of exercise, my body feels like I don't care about it anymore (which is wrong) and it prefers getting sick to normal stuffs like walking and driving. Driving hurts my back nowadays! Oh, old man~ (Is it probably the effect of having to act as the old soothsayer in our Snow White play? Gah!). Huh... What should I do?

In contrast to what people might think, I DO care about my health but I'm not that disciplined to follow a carefully planned diet, a strict exercise session... I did all of that before (for the purpose of losing some weight) and it didn't work. You know why? Cause by the 2nd day I already thought that I'm gonna die... That's how it works with me...

These are proofs that I care about my health. Part of these are my own initiatives, and the other part was because I couldn't bear being lectured by Mak for always getting sick. I do get sick often last semester so I should be prepared this sem so I won't fall sick that easily. Just take a look at these stuffs;

~ For my creaking bones... This is embarrassing, really ~

~ Jus tok guru yg hikmat and a bottle of real honey which Mak bought from Malacca. I'm not a fan of honey, really, but couldn't help it cause Mak told me, "Oo... Sunnah Nabi x nak ikut, org Jepun dia ikut... Makan sushi la ape la"... I'm not against any Sunnah, Mak, I'm just not a big fan of the sweet taste :-( But, honey is really good, you know. By consuming it once a day, I haven't caught any cold yet this semester. Seriously! ~

~ 'My medicine storage' (right) which contains ubat loya n muntah2, ubat demam, krim melecur, ubat migraine, ubat sakit perut, etc... In the middle, cough syrup and on the left, a good defence against cold symptom, Redoxon ~

~ My eyes are easily tired nowadays. Guess what? We went to Bukit Indah last week (I guess) and apparently there's a free cornea age check. And not very surprisingly, my cornea is the oldest among all my friends' (this is so against the fact that I'm the REAL youngest one... Hing!). So, I bought this Eye Mask from Body Shop (around RM30) and an eye serum from Olay for RM 50. I think I'm gonna be broke soon! ~

These doesn't include my massaging pillow, massage lotion for stomachache, skincare regimes, etc etc... See, I do care about my health. But seriously, my body is acting up right now. I think my family would clearly remember how I twist my leg during last holiday for my attempt to do 'Tell Me Your Wish' dance. And, I had to wear a knee support one WHOLE week because of that. And if it's around 'that' time, it will not trouble me with stomach pain only, but my whole body will be in a painful mess, especially the lower parts... I'm an old 22-year-old young woman, got it?

p/s: Got the idea to write this post from watching Supernatural Season 5. There's this case where young people dies of old age... (Dialogue: "In my record, he's a young 24-year-old guy who died of old age...) In a way, it's funny, but I do feel offended... a bit. Cause I'm feeling old right now.

p/s 2: I gotta right something about Supernatural 5. In my point of view, the twisting and turning of facts inside it does make my stomach churns! How could they! And they should think how it can affect youngsters who can be easily drawn to the things they portray and worse believe in it! Gotta prepare a special post for it... Just wait and see!

p/s 3: Now, I'm addicted to this...

~ A lip balm with nice pomegranate smell and great moisturizing effect from The Face Shop. Gotta love it! I'm addicted already ~

By; An old...uhm... I mean VERY young, Al-Falah (huhu~ crying behind the happy and confident facade)

Get In Touch with Ellen

2010-01-23T12:05:00.004+08:00

Salam...

You know Ellen? Ellen Degeneres, famous for her talk show and now having one of the judges' seat in American Idol? Yeah, I was trying to "contact" her... Well, neither on the phone nor through online chatting but we, music lovers, just got this chance to share our passion in music with Ellen! She's looking for something good to listen to... You can see this corner if you just scroll in her website under Ellen Degeneres show:

And of course, I suggested one of my favourite DBSK songs, Kiss Shita Mama Sayonara (As we kiss goodbye). Hope she likes it! I'll post my message for her here later after she approves it (which I'm confident that she will do so very soon cause I saw a lot of DBSK-related comments there). This is another project promoted by Cassie and DBSKnights and I did it solely cause I love them and their music. Really hope she listen to all the suggestions (it's like 1000+ suggestions already right now).

There's this other project with Oprah and one other talk show which I couldn't recall, but I didn't get to participate because of my slow connection. Luckily, today the internet is by my side and I got to post it. Yeah!

-= End of Spazzing =-

I know I shouldn't be too happy today for this "trivial" matter (Honestly, this stuff maybe trivial to certain people, but it's a serious matter for me cause I want them to be heard). All of us Johorians are sad for the loss of our Sultan. My mother SMS-ed me early at 5 a.m. today to tell me the news. God, am I shocked? I did but because I slept late last night, I just drowned back to sleep until Uin called me at 6.20 a.m. or so... Al-Fatihah to the late Sultan...

(I didn't even get the chance to ask for his apologies - as long as I remembered, I think I said something about him which was not so pleasant). I didn't get to know him well since he's there on the throne since before I was born. I only know him as a Sultan who always wear differently in comparison to other Sultans in Malaysia. I just know that he did that because he's so into army and military things. Other than that, I know almost nothing... (I also just knew that he owns the whole UTM land from Wadah-ssi. Pathetic me...)

Anyways, condolences to His Majesty's family... Selamat berkabung to all Johorians (it's 7 days straight from today as announced by MB Johor) and may Allah bless him and place him among the Solihin... Amin...

p/s: I also just know that this was the reason why they read Yasin in Surau as-Sakinah yesterday (which I didn't join cause I was busy thinking what should I say to Kak Wiwi for not returning the HEP blazer earlier~ Blah! Lame excuse... I never join any of their activities, that's why... I feel sorry for myself, don't get me wrong. I really want to be a good girl and join but... isn't it awkward already since it's already my 4th year? Huh...Don't know what to think...)

by; JiYulIm @ Al-Falah... "Are you a good girl?"

Brunei Buzz -2- (Session in UBD)

2010-01-10T12:33:00.007+08:00

Salam...

These pictures are randomly organized. Google Chrome makes it hard to rearrange these pictures. Probably my fault (I'm not an expert with GC yet). So, firstly, let's go to UBD Library! The library is so much smaller than UTM Perpustakaan Sultanah Zanariah. It only has two floors but the facilities wasn't bad at all. There's not as much book as PSZ and there's no system like Infolan, e-learning, or MyLine there, but they're moving towards that. That's what they said. So, here are some pics:

~ On the way to UBD Library ~

~ In front of UBD Library ~

~ We're entering! In front of me were my classmates, Muni, Yan and Dayah... ~

~ We're so welcomed! Just read that makes us so happy... ~

~ The Sultan of Brunei :-) ~

These are pictures taken around UBD lecture hall:

~ Students Discussion Room - U know what, each group of students have their own discussion room that they can use anytime until 10 at night ~

~ Center of the lecture halls building ~

~ Listening to lectures ~

Then, we went to UBD Mosque. This is the monument (is this what you call it?) in front of the mosque. Big and pretty isn't it?

~ In front of UBD Mosque ~

Earlier, we got a discussion session between UBD and UTM representatives. These are some pictures outside of the lecture hall and inside the lecture hall (the hall is situated in the chancellery building):

~ In front of the chancellery building ~

~ The lecture hall ~

~ Presentation by our very own Ustaz Taufek (4 SPI) ~

~ Introduction of UBD and the courses offered by Datin Rosnah Ramly, Director of International & Public Relations Office (PRO). She's also a senior lecturer and English & Malay speacialist in UBD Language Centre ~

~ Dr. Rio from UTM gives souvenirs from UTM to Datin Rosnah ~

Hopefully, sooner or later, we get to collaborate (UTM and UBD). It was great to be in UBD and I kind of see higher education in a different prospect. Imagine you are given the chance to learn what you always want to learn and without being bored. You can even get the chance to study abroad. Who doesn't want it? With the best and latest facilities and hostels that are facing South China Sea, students in UBD must have been in world heaven :-)

So, I really hope that our trip to Brunei can give good result to our goals to collaborate with universities in Brunei. Maybe one day, if this works, I can pursue my study in Brunei. Who knows... Besides, I can tolerate with the dollars, the food and the fashion. It's almost the same so there should be not much problem. "Awang-awang" di sana pun better-looking than some Malaysians - but of course, I have no intention of marrying one. I was just mentioning, okay? I want to marry a Malaysian... Hihi... No matter how rich, handsome, and kind-hearted the Awang is, I prefer to be Malaysian citizen my whole life.

Studying in Brunei, you may also get the chance to get various kind of scholarships. From the government, from the university itself and even from collaborating universities - Wow, the students must have a lot of dollars! (talking about dollars, why is KPM not in yet? It's already the 5th week!) I should stop thinking about money now, right?

That's all I wanna share about UBD. I'm going to Minimart for now cause I'm so hungry! Wish that KPM money is going to be in this week, or we'll not be able to survive. One journal writing assignment to finish and I'm in-progress of editing my PSM. Wish me luck!!!

Wassalam...

By; Al-Falah who is wishing for success till the end of her life...

3 Official Facts...

2010-01-09T21:00:00.012+08:00

Salam...

Here I am, happy but still tired, plus a little bit heavy-headed. Okay, here I want to share something that I've been doing this week. Two of them are probably good news and experiences, but the other one might not make everyone happy. But, I want to be happy guys so please understand me okay? :-)

1) I was officially in Brunei - Experiencing flying in AirAsia and watching "over" Malaysia was a wonderful feeling. I thought my stomach will tie a nervous knot up there but it didn't. I have to go fly anywhere else in the future cause it really makes me feel great! I didn't take any picture on the plane cause I'm afraid of getting caught! Gulp! And the head stewardess makes me remember Attention Please (although they are not as cute as Ueto Aya, I really love how they talk and give explanations to the passengers).

We reached Brunei on Monday night around 9 p.m. or so. And the first thing we did was to adore the night scene in Brunei. There were so many light (as I watched from above) and it almost look like something you can see in Devdas movie. Doesn't look as grand as Tokyo or Las Vegas night scene, but still very pretty. Looks so royal! Plus, on the signboard of every shop in Brunei, they have Jawi writing and it's compulsory. It implements a lot of Islamic influence in almost everything. Lucky that I've learned Jawi all my life. Then, we checked in Grand City Hotel. A decent 2-star hotel but still, it feels nice. We stayed there during our 5 days - 4 nights journey at Brunei...

On the second day, we went to UBD (Universiti Brunei Darussalam). It's small but very impressive. The facilities and the courses that they offer makes me want to pursue my study there! They have this GenNEXT strategy which offers their students to choose a course, for example, Arts but they can still learn science or other things with no tie or whatsoever to arts! Plus, for medical course, since UBD collaborates with many universities from all over the world, they can offer a double degree to all their students. How this works? The offer, for example, a biomedical course for students for two years, and the next two years, students can take a pharmacy course at foreign universities. Then, they will have this kind of degree, "Degree of Biomedical with Pharmacy" or something like that. Cool isn't it? I can't help but to be impressed and interested :-)

And the Chancellery hall was so big. As I promised, here are some of the pictures. Even the dining hall is bigger than ours in UTM. Well, they have their Sultan as their Chancellor so of course they have to have it big!

~ On the way to chancellery hall~

~ Dining hall - Oh so big! ~

~ Verse from Surah Al-Mulk on the hall wall ~

We spend the whole day in UBD. We went to the Mosque, their library and walking around there and savoring the beauty in this university. Although I'm so jealous over all those things that I've mentioned before, I'm most jealous with their hostels. It faces the South China Sea! If I'm to stay there, wow, I'm going to be more than grateful to wake up and go to class everyday!

Here are also some of the pictures of their Medical practical room. It really looks like a hospital. Since they are placed far from Brunei hospitals, they need to have this for students' practical. It's very new! Looks like no one have used this before...

At night, we went to The Mall, the biggest shopping mall in Bandar Seri Begawan with Maya (Dr. Dayang's niece) and Maza (Maya's best friend) as tour guides. Nothing much but they sell Brunei fabrics in low prices. Kak Wiwi bought scarfs and I bought donuts. I'm not a big fan when it comes to cloth and outfits shopping by the way. That's why I bought donuts... Yan and I were shutting our eyes close cause we don't want to spend out money yet. (No picture provided hahaha...)

The next day, we went to Muzium Alat Kebesaran Diraja. There are a lot of things related to the Sultan installation (pertabalan) and the gifts that leaders from all countries gave to Sultan Brunei. Korean leaders love to give vases (but I can't take pictures cause camera is not allowed inside the museum). There I was in front of the museum - plus a picture of "usungan" which is used during Sultan installation.

Then, we went to Sultan Hasanah Bolkiah Mosque. I can't stop being impressed with the gold dome on top of it. 24-carat, shining and sparkling! And the inside was nice too (that's why they also didn't allow cameras there). I'm stunned with the inside as well. We also performed Tahiyyatulmasjid prayer there.

Later in the afternoon, we went to Muzium Islam or also called as Jabatan Mufti Brunei. We can see the biggest al-Quran and even the smallest one, also some tongkat and tasbih either bought by the Sultan or given to him as gifts. Another thing that impressed me - there were pictures of the Sultan reciting Khutbah for Hari Raya prayer and Friday prayer. In comparison with Malaysian leaders... macam langit dengan bumi... True, isn't it?

Then at 4, the SPS boys had a football match with ITB (Institut Teknologi Brunei). We lost with 4 against 1. What a pity! And of course, the bus smelled bad after that hahaha! But still, good job! They have good sportsmanship but maybe they don't play football much before so... we lost. End of story!

~ Warming Up ~

~ Have no idea what were they doing... Ice-breaking maybe ~

That night, we went to Jerudong Park to play. I got on a horse (again) at their Merry-Go-Round and played Bumper Car. And later, I got a swollen knee! Haha! Bumper Bummer!!! I had fun there and later we went to Brunei Pasar Malam. Not much difference with Malaysian pasar malam but yeah, I was there at least :-)

~ Jerudong Park main gate ~

On the 4th day, we went to UNISSA (Universiti Islam Sultan Sharif Ali). In comparison to our SPI course, most of their courses were taught by foreign lecturers and were conducted in Arabic language. But our UTM Ustaz was impressive as well since he demonstrated his Arabic skill in front of UNISSA deans. Well done! Here's a picture of Kak Wiwi talking with the Dean and a picture of me, kak Ana, and Hasu cam-whoring:

Then we went shopping for souvenirs at Gadong and later, we went to KUPU SB (Kolej Universiti Perguruan Ugama Seri Begawan). We had some discussion there and then we went back for some rest before our BBQ Time at Dr. Dayang's house. And you know what, OMG, Dr. Dayang's house is a mansion! It is so big! It's relevant since her family is big. We had some tahlil for her late mother and we witnessed a touching reunion between Dr. Dayang and her father (if I'm not mistaken, it was 4 years already since she last visited her family). I forgot to take pictures cause I was so tired and sleepy at that time. Although I'm impressed with the house, there were too much food and I also witnessed a group of people smoking 'shisha' there which made me feel uncomfortable. I really wished I can return to hotel a.s.a.p. Hihi...

The next day (yesterday), we went to Kampung Ayer at Muara. I think we can see this kind of place here in Malaysia too but I don't know where. The houses, schools, fire station, police station are all on the water. Here are some pics:

~ Pretty, isn't it? ~

~ Istana Nurul Iman from far and Firdaus (left), our camera boy with the curliest hair ~

~ Some houses... ~

Then we passed Istana Nurul Iman. We can't get in cause the Sultan was there at that time. Here are some souvenirs from inside the bus (since I'm too tired to step out of the bus):

And I couldn't wait to return to Malaysia. I swear I couldn't stop smiling all the way to the aircraft! And in the plane, the steward and stewardess weren't as cool as my first flight - I'm a little bit disappointed. But at last, I'm "home"... That's all about my trip to Brunei and I swear that I had so much fun (although I always wished for my besties to be there too).

2) I officially give up on ISLC - I messaged Hadjar, Elda and Epol that I want to quit. Izwan told me not to quit because it's almost the peak of everything and that secretary don't have that much work left. But I really have to give up. I can't focus on too many things at one time or I 'll get a massive and serious headache. And that often happens lately since I got to think about this ISLC thingy which makes me more tired than usual.

I feel a bit guilty to the rest of the team but I just can't continue. It might seem like I'm not a busy person, but maybe I'm born to 'not be busy' (whatever that means). It gives me headache and I can be emotionally and physically unstable because of that. And I don't want to skip classes anymore. So, please ISLC, just let me go...

To all ISLC members, thanks for everything. I had great experience working with all of you and I hope all of you can reach your goal and make ISLC '10 a reality. Best of luck!

Goodbye ISLC... (I'll send my official resignation letter through email tomorrow. I won't tolerate any further discussion, thank you, since I've already decided on this. This is really what I wish and need to do)

3) The 3 DBSK-members-in-dispute were in Australia - Surprisingly, Changmin was there too in Brisbane for his Paradise Ranch shooting. JaeSuChun were taking care of Changmin I believe. Always Keep the Faith!

Okay, that's all. Had fun and now very tired - probably due to jet lag (hahaha). Bye2 n wassalam...

By; A UTM Global Outreach Program (GOP) Participant to Brunei Darussalam and Former ISLC Conference Department Secretary, Al-Falah.

1st January Rant!!!

2010-01-01T15:07:00.006+08:00

Salam...

I'm supposed to be all wind up and motivated for this first day of 2010. But, because of certain things and certain someone, my 1st January is ruined. But, since I don't wanna go crazy, I'm going to dump my disappointment and sadness in this blog. I still have to meet my examiner this evening and I really wanna be the happiest person she's ever seen today on the 1st January 2010. Happy New Year!

Thinking deeply about it, my days have been crazily challenging due to my secretary job with ISLC. And, don't be shocked that I have this idea in my mind - "I wanna quit!". I really have this idea, even now. And let me list up the things that make me feel this way:

1) I don't think they really treat me as secretary - My jobs are to write letters, check their letters, write meetings minutes, check speech texts, etc. I'm not sure whether I've done it all out or not, but I'm sure every time they asked me to redo the letters I gratefully accept my responsibility. However, they always, ALWAYS, inform everything to me last minute. Like for example, when I have to write up one more letter to Ketua Menteri Melaka and cancel one letter to Minister of Tourism... It was only 30 minutes before I have to go to class. And I also have a tentative table (about speech, speakers, venue, etc) that I have to finish so we can attach it to speakers invitation letters. 30 minutes, guys! And no one is helping... And do you know what I did? I skipped class for that... Do they know about it? Some of them knew but they were just being ignorant. How sad... Although I'm a secretary, I'm still a person who have other responsibility...

2) They don't respect me like a person - Except Norin, Epol, Izza and Kim, I don't feel any bond with other people. Not even with the HOD... They just know to call me for meetings and if it's other things they hardly reply my messages. If I have inquiries regarding letters, of course, I messaged the HOD and do you know why is that? I've sent numbers of messages to the Head Secretary to ask for letters reference numbers, letters format, procedures of sending letters, etc. and these were like before the 1-month holiday we had. And she DIDN'T reply. And do you know how many letters we have sent already? Around 30... And all the letters reference numbers, I just fill them by myself. So... Of course, I got them wrong. And don't EVER say that I didn't ask anyone about the numbers. I even asked MPP secretary to go through it and they already gave me the green light! And, the Head Secretary just gave me the correct versions LAST WEEK! Am I not pathetic enough? I've tried my best to stay calm and collected, but ISLC can really drive me crazy sooner or later.

3) They tried to put blame on me - This is really cheap you know! It's their fault and yet they put the blame on me. Don't they know that I'm a 4th year student, with PSM and other assignments on my shoulder, and I also need proper rest at night but I still DO ALL MY SECRETARY JOBS??? And then suddenly, when there's meetings, they point their fingers towards me. There's one time with accommodation unit. I've sent the letters regarding Scholar Inn during the holiday and through email. I've sent it and I've rechecked it (My Gmail has also confirmed that my email has been sent). But then, a day before the department meeting, "that" person who asked for the letter SMS-ed me and ask for that letter. Okay, so I've re-send it. Alright, full stop! But then, in meeting the next day, she CLEARLY stated that I've just sent the email yesterday....... Okay, I just keep silent. Maybe the email really didn't reach her during holiday. Maybe my email or her email went wrong... But then, how come it works the previous day? How come I got confirmation message from Gmail at that time saying that the email has been sent? I was furious but who am I to say anything. Because they never treat me like a human, I'm so scared that they can throw me away anytime if I say anything. But now, I really don't care anymore if they really want to throw me out of the team, cause I already cannot stand it... And yesterday, the DHOD asked whether it's okay to conduct meeting today at 3 p.m. But then I said I have meeting with my examiner at 4 today. And, she didn't confirm to me AT ALL about today's meeting and suddenly she called me and asked, "Falah, you x sebarkan ye kat ketua-ketua unit yang kite ade meeting pkul 3 ni?" WTH!!! She didn't even confirmed it! I can even re-type the SMS that she sent yesterday. It sounds like this," Do you have any class after solat Jumaat? I'm planning to have our conference meeting at dat tyme bcoz I'm off to jelebu 5.30 p.m. for 3 days. Hadjar is not here. hmm any suggestion? huhu..."

.......... I've typed exactly what she sent me last night!

Didn't she just asked my suggestion, and didn't she just say that she PLANNED to have a meeting? And then I replied to her that I have 2 meetings today evening. One, I've promised Farah to send her to UBI at 1 p.m. and we had to go back because the person in charge was still having her lunch. We went back to UTM and we went again to UBI at 2.30 and I only reached here around 3 p.m. Two, I'm gonna have meeting with my examiner at 4 and I made it clear to this DHOD that I really can't come during that time. And by the way, in that message before, did she CONFIRM about the meeting? Did she even state the time? Did she even say who has to come to the meeting? And then when she called me she said," It's okay, I'll discuss with Hadjar"... Hahaha... Discuss? (smirk) Or you want to put the blame on me?

If this is how those people work, I really don't want to be a part of this team!

Enough rant, I have to get ready to meet my examiner. And of course my PSM is SO MUCH MORE important than this ISLC thing cause I won't be able to graduate if I ruin it this time! Should I say goodbye to ISLC? I think I should...

P/S: And what the HELL that I read just now??? DBSK is officially disbanded!? Crap! Crap! Crap! Till I hear anything from the boys, I won't believe anything! Always Keep The Faith!!!

By; The Pissed-Off Ji Yul Im...

Brunei Buzz! -1-

2009-12-31T10:55:00.006+08:00

Salam...

First and foremost, I really cannot believe that I'm going to fly to Brunei next Monday (4th January). It's a bit scary yet exciting since Brunei is the second foreign country that I'm going to travel to after Singapore few years back. And I wish that after this i get to travel to other countries too! (especially Korea and Japan, of course). The trip is from 4-8 January 2010 and a total of 40+ UTM students, including me, will go there for UTM Global Outreach Program. I just want something else to remember during my 4 years in UTM, so I believe I made the right choice. I'll try very hard to have the ultimate fun (and learn something) throughout the trip!!! Ganbarimasu!!!

We're going to have a 2-day Universiti Brunei Darussalam (UBD) appreciation - might have a lot to compare with UTM. I'll make sure to take a lot of pictures there :-) And as I googled UBD in Google Image, I found out that the chancellor hall is so big! Or was that a castle? Hmm... I really don't want to compare it to UTM's chancellery office...
Mm hmm...

About the traveling cost, sadly I have to depend on my parents first because KPM scholarship is such a snail this semester. It's already the 3rd week for god sake! But thanks to Mak and Abah, they are more than happy to comply to my "needs"... Hehe... I should've planned an emergency plan for this from last semester but I'm never good with financial planning so... Yeah, you know what happened. But, I'll try to cut as many cost possible there since the goods in Brunei are like, thrice the price in Malaysia... Mak even said, "Maybe Nasi Lemak cost RM 15 per plate (equal to $5)"... Ooops, but you're the one who said 'yes' about the trip right? Don't worry. I'll try to save as much as possible. I love you Mak!

About food, I'll try to bring as much instant noodles, biscuits, etc. so I won't have to spend so much money on food. Good plan! Hahaha... But, the bad news is (or is it good news) they have Korean restaurant there - and Halalan Toyyiba. The restaurant is 'Kimchi's All You Can Eat BBQ'. They even had Ramadan promotion before so I'm more than sure that they only offer Halal Korean food. Am I excited? Yes, I am. Take a sneak peak at what I stole from a Brunei restaurants review blog:

~ Lettuce wrap!!! My dream!!! ~

~ Seafood platter... Mmm yummy... ~

~ Seasoned kogi platter ~

The price for BBQ is $19.80 which is equal to RM 59.40.............. So expensive!!! Uwaa~ Should I just forget my Jalan-jalan Cari Makan plan there? But the 'kogi' (meat) looks so nice and the patbingsoo, kkk.... I really want to try it... Plus, it's really similar to Korean restaurants in Korea where they have various side dishes for one meal and two bowls of refreshing soups... Let's see, if suddenly when I walk around Brunei and I'm in front of the restaurant, I'll definitely enter since it's such a waste for the fate already brought me there. If not, I won't seek for trouble traveling alone to find this Korean restaurant. I still wanna live and go to lectures the following weeks... Deal? Alright :-)

I'm not sure whether I'm ready to go or not. Hmm... I kind of wish that my besties would be there too since my last trip to Singapore, it's just me and me alone. But maybe we're fated to go somewhere else together. Korea, maybe? Hehe... And I wish I can travel there with my family (but it's quite impossible since Mak is not the type to Jalan-jalan outside of Johore and Malacca). Hahaha...

Alright, that's all. I got to take a nap before discussion this afternoon. Bye-bye and c ya!

By; A Proud Malaysian (but also loving Korea and Japan for their arts, uniqueness and beauties), Al-Falah...

Never Too Late...

2009-12-27T11:12:00.004+08:00

It's been a long time already, right? And yesterday is DBSK's 6th Anniversary (Happy 6th Anniversary Oppa-deul!). And I really don't want to think about THE thing that is going on with SM. We're supposed to be happy, aren't we? Let's be happy!!!

The thing with DBSK is that they are my everyday drug. I couldn't get them out of my system (although I've been watching over 2PM and Taeyang at the same time). But now, I need to take a little break... Cause I can hardly smile watching them. It's really hard to watch them without crying... Gawd, how I miss to see them together, smiling, laughing, and singing happily...

I know I'm a negative person in this case. And sometimes, I can't help but blaming some of the members. I know I shouldn't but I did. I just hope that this will end as soon as possible. Also, hope that no one will get hurt with this nor is it the end of DBSK...

I love all 5 of them... Fairly if not equally (of course, I have my favourite). And the best sight is the 5 of them together... Seeing them in airport, separated, tired, and lonely... I really can't stand that...

DBSK, 5 Forever? I still believe and I'll always keep the faith. Because these 5 people are the ones that brought DBSK where they are now. SM? Blah... I believe they don't treat our boys fairly based on their efforts. Avex? I still believe them cause Max Matsuura is such a lovely guy. He's everywhere our boys are and we can't be more than thankful for that. So, I'll keep believing!

So, their single will come out late January next year. The leaked out version is already out BTW. Such a lovely dance song. Inspirational, I can say. Breakout! And to BigEast, good luck with your project. I wanna help but... I really don't know how to buy things online... Huhu... 500'000? I don't think BigEast gonna have much problem with that :-) Best of luck!

That's all. I left this blog on purpose. I was lazy to update and lazy to type... And I had a lot other things to do. But now, I'm back and moving. So, see ya next time! Daa~

By, a Cassiopeia, al-Falah... (Always Keep The Faith!)

Pergi Tak Kembali...

2009-08-13T19:44:00.002+08:00

Ya Allah... Tempatkanlah beliau ditempat org2 soleh...

AMIN...

Al-Fatihah to Ustaz Mohd Asri...

Walaupun sudah pergi, alunan suaranya yg sentiasa mengingatkan pendengar agar sentiasa melakukan kebaikan akan terus mekar dalam jiwa setiap insan...

Macam x percaya, sejak kecil, suara Ustaz Asri la yg sy dgr...

Sejak Nadamurni dulu...

Berulang2 kali pasang kaset Nadamurni; dalam kete mase nk pergi n balik sekolah, kat rumah...

Smpaila ke Rabbani...

Sesungguhnya beliau tiada galang-gantinya...

Nasihat disebalik lagu2nya menusuk dalam jiwa...

Ya Allah, macam x percaya dia dh pergi...

Takdir... Sesungguhnya Allah lebih sayangkan beliau...

...

Umat Islam di luar sana, peminat atau tidak, doakanlah yg terbaik untuk Ustaz...

AMIN...

Memory...

2009-08-08T13:07:00.003+08:00

I stole these from FaceBook... Don't know this group (SMKBM alumni) exists... I'm so happy yet sad as I walk down the Memory Lane...

~ Yg paling mencapap kat dpan skali 2 suhaimi... Org panggil dia Ben... ~

~ Ish rindunya... Yg kat dpan skali, yg pakai spek 2 Kak Anim (ktorang rapat gler dlu tp dh lost contact) and sblh dia Kak Madiha (rapat jgk)... ~

~ Oo... Main boling x ajak... ~

Itulah dia~ Org ajak pg majlis ape2 pun xnak pegi... Bukan xnak jumpe balik tp malu... N, I believe the awkardness will be there... Don't forget me my SMKBM friends!!!

By: Al-Falah... Oh, I miss you guys SOOOO MUCH!!!

Swollen Heart...

2009-08-04T19:51:00.003+08:00

~ I've been thinking; will he sing a special song for us? I hope he will... ~

If I am to get a chance to redo my past at this moment, I'll definitely choose the time when En. Abdullah came (although it's just for a short while) to watch our drama practice last week. I wish I could have tried to be a warmer person, smile more to our so-tired-looking lecturer...

I never hate him. I might have felt a pang of sadness when I can't see him in front of me during drama practice (oh, how I miss that moment right now). I might have felt a little bit jealous remembering how close he is with our seniors (Damn! I'm so jealous). I might have thought badly about him after hearing rumours from irresponsible people called "classmates". I might have felt a little bit (it's the tiniest part of me as I usually forget things easily) irritated to see him more comfortable with students who are not from our class compared to us...

I know, I'm not supposed to have bad feelings... But, no matter how negative the thoughts were, I never hate him. No matter how hard the drama was, how much sweat and tears were shed during the preparation, how many times I suffered headache editing its script, I can NEVER EVER despise him. Because there's basically NOTHING to hate about him.

What's wrong about being caring? What the s**t was, "O, dia igt dia dlu rapat ngan senior kita, kita pun kna rapat ngan dia la?" ... What's wrong with being respectful to him until graduation; even until after graduation? Stop being proud la people! Without him, will you get the chance to do anything like this? We might say we were forced to do this - this drama is against our will - but honestly, now, I can't imagine NOT having the memory of our drama in my mind! I miss every bit of it... The hardwork, the "crisis" beneath, etc... I would love to remember. And, if any part of the memory is missing, I believe I'll have a lot else to lose. Happiness, for example...

I was irritated this whole day for what is happening now. I am still mad about it, really. I want all the people responsible to apologize. I want them to soften their heart and reflect on their mistakes. I want them to stop being so proud and think that they are the only ones who are right. I want them to stop causing misunderstanding and unnecessary "drama" in our class. But, for now, with how stone-hearted they are right now, I believe they'll never give in. They might not even care... at all... These ignorant people... Aish!

(I feel a bit emo, so pardon my words... I'll still try to be as polite as I can...)

So, he's not teaching us anymore, he doesn't deserve to get our respect? These are words uttered by PROUD people only... Let's see whether she could survive living all her life like this (Might end up being hated all her life! Nauzubillah...)

"Tak berkat ilmu kalau x hormat cikgu"... Didn't her mom at least tell her this? Since she is so proud, she might not even hear what her mom told her... Masuk telinga kanan, keluar telinga kiri. Entah2 tak masuk telinga langsung. Lu pikir la sendiri!

Fitnah... Suke sgt makan daging saudara dia yg dh xde... Suke sgt dpt dosa yg lebih besar dr dosa membunuh... Renung-renungkanlah...

Whatever happens, I want to preserve my relations to all the people I've met during this 4 years in UTM (if possible)... Xperlu sampai putus saudara, buang yang keruh ambik yang jernih. I don't blame him; I think I understand his situation now. I blame myself for "terlalu ikutkan perasaan" and did not analyze deeper on his situation. Sorry, En. Abdullah, for being selfish and cold towards your visit last time. If I could turn back time, I will try to be a warmer person...

Why choose hate than love? Let's think about it...

By: Al-Falah - Disebabkan nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga... And my Besties and I are definitely not the "nila"...

... People say that life is never easy

... But it's just that we choose to do it the hard way

... And I believe loving is easier than hating

5-1=0

2009-08-02T18:34:00.002+08:00

I'm keeping the faith!

I don't believe any rumors!

I Stand By DBSK!

Forever love, forever 5, forever DBSK!

P/S: I'll certainly quit loving KPOP and JPOP if there's no more DBSK/Tohoshinki in this world... That's how much I love them...

By: DBSK Lover, Kim Ji Yul Im aka al-Falah

What Scares Me Now? Doubts... (And Nightmares)

2009-08-01T02:05:00.005+08:00

~ I need a good night sleep :-( But I can't ~

Salam...

I know I could be indecisive at times and at certain situations; like deciding where to eat, what to eat, when to do my laundry etc. But, I hardly hesitate when I do serious stuffs, like, deciding on what to do for my life. It's not like I can always decide; it's more like, I don't think too deep into it - I just go with the flow and do it. But, what the heck is happening now! I haven't even decided on my PSM topic! This is crazy - just plain crazy!

I feel so down... I doubt myself too much. I think about stuffs - about doing stuffs - but then, I was taken aback by my own thoughts... "Yah! Do you think you can do it? It's too hard for you!", and stuffs like that. My confidence level fell down a few steps due to stress and some other things that I haven't figured out yet. This is just plain messy - and crazy! I don't know what is happening, but when I think too much about stuffs, undescribable pain will appear inside my head - like there's some ticking time bomb inside it, just waiting to explode...

I know I posted something about managing stress before, but what can I do if I have doubt upon my own abilities. I lowered myself down, I kept thinking I can't do it - or I can't handle this anymore - and I ended up being the most negative person alive on earth. This is suck! I know I have to find the pieces of me which was left somewhere and attach it back... Living with doubts towards myself is the worst crisis - much worse than anything...

Okay...

Be positive...

...................... (I have no say about my feelings right now; I feel so down...)

And nightmares are haunting me like crazy nowadays... I dreamt about things unrelated to me... I kept waking up and when I woke up around 6 in the morning, I felt so tired already like I had been walking around the whole time in my sleep... Care to tell me what is happening to me?

Huh...

Maybe I just miss my home so much... (Do they relate to each other? I meant, nightmares and missing home? *kkk* Just ignore it)

Or, maybe this drama thingy is the cause for all my mishaps...

Could it be PSM?

Whatever... and whatever the reason is, I just know that I'm stressed. I hope it won't be long until I gather myself back, or I will definitely be paralysed and do nothing at all. Hopefully it won't happen... Now I wonder, do I actually have the strength and courage to further my studies - Master & PhD? Even now, I'm already this stressed out, I don't know what will happen later in my future if I have to face such things again (or even more challenging matters)... Ya Allah, please give me the strength... I need to, at least, face this, solve this, and end this with pride. I definitely don't want to disappoint my parents and my family... Please, al-Falah, be strong! I have to believe that I'm stronger than who I am right now :-) Let's try to be positive... No more doubts, I hope...

By: Kim Ji Yul Im... and sadly, her post can be easily described as pointless (by people who don't understand~)...

Happy 18th Birthday Abin~

2009-07-13T22:49:00.003+08:00

Yesterday's Nabil's 18th B'day...

His first birthday while being so far and so away from the family...

Hope he's healthy and not crying while being left alone there...

Hope he'll face everything with his ever-so-cute smiles...

Hope he'll be a great student... successful with flying colours...

Hope he'll always keep his feet on the ground no matter what happens...

Hope he'll never grow boring of having me as his sister ^^

Hope our love will be forever no matter whatever is to surface in the future...

Hope he'll always be the son my parents love so much...

Hope he'll always be a son who loves Abah and Mak so much... with no boundaries...

Hope he'll always be my sweetest brother and the greatest elder brother to Uin...

Hope he can always bicker with me, tease me, and talk to me with ease...

Hopefully, even after one of us get married, we can still be like this...

....................

2 je ke kak?

Let the remaining wishes kept securely in your and your handphone only, ok, abin?

Kakak cayang abin <3

Forever and ever...

ok akak, abin cayang akak jugak!

Loving Each Other Too Much To Care About Others...

2009-07-13T21:30:00.003+08:00

That's a HELL of a statement. But, why? And how could such sweet and supposed-to-be innocent thing as love could make people selfish? They could sacrifice their family, dignity, and left themselves selfless under the curse of love. Maybe, because it's too sweet, people could lost rationality and end up being a slave of the word love. But, why can't the love continue without being selfish? Why can't they judge things better and left no one in misery? Why should they stomp on other people's happiness just to make them happy? Why sacrifice so much to the word "love" when everyone's against you? Why act stupid because of LOVE?

I've seen things happening in front of me... How things are shattered in front of my eyes... How I could sense awkwardness in the air I used to breathe without difficulty... Now, the air makes me sick. I feel like I could throw up because I think there's no such love anymore. There's no more words of encouragement, but words that cause tears. There's no more patting at the back, but sharp tongues bickering wildly at each others. There's no more concerns; just hatred. The things that were conserved from decades back were shattered because of one simple thing. LOVE...

I could blame her for everything; for ruining the "mansion" built by my beloved since years ago. But, I could sense her sadness; her damp eyes while talking to me. How she wished everything to turn back to normal... But, things had happened. And the easiest turning back possible is, to stop her from loving that particular someone... But, can anybody do it? It's her decision; her love story to begin with... And, if she do it, she'll be breaking her own heart into million pieces... Will everything turn back to normal? I still don't have that much faith...

They might be fated for each other. But, it is also fated that the elders are against it; and I believe she knows perfectly about her obligation to respect the ones who brought her to life. But, how could her love act beyond that respect? Can it still be called "LOVE"? Or is it just plain selfishness... I can't understand her situation because I never be in any of them (and I hope I will never be), but isn't it too much already? Alter all the damage, the "selfishness" did? I would love to knock the senses into her head, but people in love, I believe, doesn't need those senses anymore... They just "love" each other too much to care about others; even if the "others" are people who had been supporting her all this life, praying for her success and happiness, and teaching her all the goods and bads of life... How could love make someone so forgetful? I don't know...

I miss my grandpa very much... How I wish I could settle matters on his behalf? But, I'm just a nobody in this matter; I just listen and give my immature suggestions. I could see the troubled eyes my father had whenever the matter surfaces... He must've feel guilty for not being able to stick the "mansion" back together like how it used to be... I wish this should end, now! Love shouldn't bring any pain and that's what I want to believe... I rather not love if it means I'll break the hearts of people I treasure the most and that's final... I just wish that she realizes it sooner or later; that she lost more than what she gains - That the things she lost are actually the things that'll bring heaven to her, in this world and the afterlife...

My Sunshine of The Day 2 :-)

2009-07-11T19:21:00.003+08:00

Just to summarize the whole Pati-Pati interview (which interests me a lot!). Seems like Jaejoong has his own post before but whatever :-)

In the interview, Yunho said that he wanted 3 children (2 boys and 1 girl). The boys with close age-gap while the girl could be younger for 4-5 years than the boys. He'll be strict with manners and ethics so his children will never be a burden to anyone (strict appa huh? I like it :-D). But, in terms of future, he'll let his children decide; taking example from his parents who let him do what he thinks best for him. Very good answers indeed :-D

Yoochun said that he wants a small family; a lovely wife and 2 lovely daughters. But when asked whether he wants a son or not, he said I want a son too (?... Let him decide later). He said he wants a small family so his attention to his wife won't waver; where he could pamper and love his wife continuosly forever (so sweet~). I think he'll be an appa who spoils his kid (and his wife) very much...

Junsu on the other hand, will start to guide his children to specific talents as he/she turns 3 so the talents could be brushed up since young age. And, since he likes soccer so much, he wishes that one of them could be a soccer player :-) Same with Yunho, he wants 2 boys as the eldest (are they possibly twins? hehe...) and a girl. And, he's been planning about it since junior high LOL~

Lastly, Changmin. His answers are unbelievable, really. He wants 2 sons, that's all. The reason that he doesn't want any baby girl is because he doesn't want to lose her later when she get married. Seriously, he sounded like he already has a daughter and is going to give up his daughter soon LOL. He wants his sons to be like him (I wonder what does this mean~ could be inheriting his smart wit and intelligence~) and he didn't find it wrong if his sons wish to be a part of future entertainment industry... And, he doesn't like the idea of DongBangJUNIOR (a group which involves all their kids together; just like their appas) since it involves Junsu's too-independent-and-free-spirited son (LOL~). He really can't stop teasing Junsu :-)

P/S: This translation really made my day! Thanks dbsknights for sharing :-)

By: A Very Happy Ahjumma-to-be Who Can't Wait To See DBSK's Babies (It rhymes? Cool~), KimJiYulIm...

Tell Me It's Not True... Genie...

2009-07-07T22:02:00.004+08:00

I honestly don't like what I hear and see... And what I found on Google pissed me off more than I already did. I never know when it started but I never liked this girl. I don't care what her true colours (aside from the weird glances she's been giving to all the boys and the cameramen) are, whether she's actually a very nice person under the parade or not... I just don't like her and I guess I have come to despise her more than ever now. Sorry Jessy, but I just can't come to like you...

I believe these two guys (and other guys she's been messing with) could find someone better than her. She's just... I don't know what to say... I know she's pretty and all but I sense something that is not quite right with her personality. I sense... lie, facade, pretends, dishonesty, disloyalty... Sorry, Jessy... But, that's what I feel about you...

I wish Jaejoong and Donghae will definitely found their happiness with someone that is right for them and loyal to their relationship. But, if the person is Jessy... I'll have a lot of doubt.

*To Wadah-ssi ~ I just checked your post about this issue! Gawd, we really are feeling the same thing right now, aren't we? What could I say now is... let's have faith to our boys! I hope no one else will fall in her facade...

By: A Concerned Fan of DBSK and SJ, JiYulIm...

A Tough Saturday (and Today)

2009-07-05T12:11:00.006+08:00

Salam...

I went back to UTM already. Okay... what a lame way to start a blog post. Anyway, there's a lot of happenings yesterday, I couldn't even think straight. My phone broke down, well, sort of. It's my fault really. I never take into account whether my phone can read a new, updated simcard or not, and I've changed my simcard. At the end, I've lost all my contacts, bla bla bla. I have to send my phone to SAMSUNG service which might took 1 or 2 weeks. It's killing me! And for the record, I couldn't sleep last night because of the absence. Gawd, this is REALLY killing me!

Number two, I wandered about in Jusco yesterday afternoon after I send my phone for service. I wandered while thinking "Shouldn't I buy something to remind me of the time?". Yeah, I have everything on my phone, so I don't have any watch, wall clock, alarm clock etc. So, I decided to buy a watch which cost RM 100+ which doesn't even have alarm and all. Was it stupid or what? Gawd, if I could turn back the time, I will buy a new phone rather than a watch. Now, I can't contact anyone, not even my parents (and they are now on their way to Perlis to send Nabil to Poli) or my friends. My life is so sad right now...

Number three, I was shocked as I checked in my new room yesterday. There were a lot of stuffs, dusty and not mine. Who the heck live here before?! Didn't she know how to clean the room, at least how to get her stuffs out of MY room? Yesterday was crazy. I had to spend hours to clean the SUPER dusty room, clean the fan, sweep and mop the floor. Imagine how dusty it was... It was crazy... And believe it or not, I was bitten by bed mites last night for the first time in my life! Bed mites, dust mites, whatever-mites, bit me while I was just trying to relax my sore muscles on the bed. Aaargh, can my life get any worse!? Plus, ants are also everywhere. Crazy room...

I don't have the timetable for class yet (bascially, because I can't get into the jadualwaktu website) and I don't know whether my friends has returned to UTM or not. I can't believe all these stuffs happened while I just trying to motivate myself to get better this semester. Try to think of it, a lot of things had happened at home too. With my car broke down, like, 10 times in 2 months... I don't know if these stuffs mean something. I don't want to think negatively; let's just think that these stuffs happened to make me stronger, although I wish everything will get better in a blink of an eye...

P/S: I want my phone back!!!

By: Troubled JiYulIm...

오랜만이에요 (Long Time No See) and Happy Fathers' Day!!!

2009-06-21T22:17:00.005+08:00

I have no excuse except for being too lazy or too busy or too blurred to decide on what to write in this blog of mine. Laziness is totally the main reason hihi... And I feel totally guilty for not wishing Park Micky Sakura Yoochun for his birthday. But I still can't do it tonight because I haven't prepared anything. It's so sad, really... I was engaged with some other things at that time that i couldn't dedicate any post for his birthday the way I did to the other members. I hope I can make up for it at least by tomorrow :-)

And today is father's day! Happy Father's Day Abah! I want to nominate you for the award "Best Father in the World" but I wonder is there such thing as that. But, you'll always be the winner in my life, forever and ever. My most gentle but strict Abah, the most supportive and understanding, the best teacher and advisor... I don't know what else should I wish for since I already have you and Mak. Thank you Abah for creating this happy and peaceful family for us and thank you for being the greatest family leader anyone would wish for. Thanks for every thing you gave me, and Jasamu takkan mampu ku balas andaipun ditakdirkan keatasku bergunung intan dan permata sebagai milikku, andaipun ku berikan padamu seluruhnya tanpa sezarah pun tinggal, takkan pernah terbalas kasih sayangmu padaku... I love you and I'll forever do...

~ My "Encem" Abah (i stole the picture from his My Document folder... I'm too lazy to be a mouse late this night and go over albums or stuffs like that. But, this is already a great picture right? I got busted for stealing this picture already. Suddenly, Abah sneaked in the computer room and found out that I'm uploading this picture... hehe... ~

What I did for my father today? Hmm... I just wished him, that's all. I know that he totally deserves better than a wish from his totally non-early riser daughter this morning, especially when this daughter of his actually wished him in her half-sleepy state. I'm sorry abah, I really am not a morning person. But, at least, i woke up right? In my imagination, I want to make him a cake. A vanilla cake with rich vanilla scent and strawberry jelly topping in heart shape at the center. Yummy... But, I'm a bad cook either... So what should I do? Maybe I should give him a hug or a kiss on his cheeks... But, we're not that touchy feely, you know. But I hope he had a great time today. He watched talk shows this morning, and I believe most of them talks about fathers and how great are they etc., and later in the evening we watched badminton match between Lee Chong Wei and Taufik Hidayat (Malaysia wins! yay!) at our grandparents' house together. We ate some "Mi Hoon Sup" and refreshed ourselves with "Cendol Rumbia", made in Muar. It's not bad (I meant the effort to make Fathers' Day this year special), but I hope next year, I could already buy/prepare/give something for my father... I want to make him feel special on this very special day. I hope I could have the ability to do so next year because Abah, I Love You! (Ya Allah, berikanlah kepada Abahku segala kebaikan di dunia dan akhirat... Berilah dia kasih sayangmu dan jadikanlah aku anak yang menghargai dan mengingati segala pengorbanan yang telah dia berikan... Jadikanlah aku anak yang sentiasa ingat akan jasa seorang abah... Amin~)

It's late already (although it's still before 12, but it's considered late during holiday). Despite the fact that I've been sleeping almost the whole day (i think I might turn into a Koala bear), I'm so sleepy. Will you let me sleep, bloggie?~ Hehe... It's been a long time since I last posted in here and I already commented on how sleepy I am... Huhu... But, I'm sleepy so... tuck in guys! Sleep well!!!

P/S: My pointer (PNG, PNGK) was eeh~ eeh~ eeh~ sooooo bad! I admit guilty for playing too much last sem. I should've been more serious and focused. But congrats to Aina for scoring Dean award last sem. I'm glad she made it ;-)

P/S 2: I still don't know when should I go back to UTM... I have the urge to go back early but I love my holiday so much... Whatever!

By: Al-Falah, Anak Abah (and Mak, of course :-D)