... So This Year Will Be Better

Salam...

It's 2011 already. Pejam celik, pejam celik, here we are once again, celebrating new year for the umpteenth time. I didn't really celebrate it. I didn't watch any New Year show. I didn't wish most people "Happy New Year" not even my closest and bestest friend, not even my family. You might think I was depressed, but I was not. I was reflecting myself, thinking about life, learning through mine and other people's experiences. I'm trying hard to grow up since I always have to race to at least be one year older. The fact that I'm younger is no longer special, at least from my perspective, because the ones who said how lucky I am to already be here at this age won't understand what I'm going through. You may think it's only 1 or 2 year differences, but for me the space where I have to cover instantly is amazingly huge to the point where my entire self can give up any moment. From this moment on, I swear to myself to take one step at a time, not caring about any space. Isn't it time for people to give me some space? Give me one more year and I promise, I'll catch up with you.

As some already know, my uncle fell sick. It was a minor stroke, but I'm not sure if the doctor only added the minor to make us feel better. He still can talk but his speech wasn't synchronized. He said "makan" when what he really wanted was to "minum". His steps were very slow and cautious he always need someone to hold him, support him, and stop him from falling. Sometimes he looked really down and depressed like he was thinking of something or trying to remember things. He can't remember how to read, write, or even spell his own name. I want to be strong at this time and assure everyone that it's going to be alright. But, looking at myself right now, I'm in no place to say comforting words to others. My car broke down, my laptop is annoying, my students keep pestering me to make 'keceriaan' activity which I already promised them to do it today but since my car broke down, of course, I haven't bought a thing to make the class 'ceria', my students of 2 Intan were super noisy, and I resort to escaping by thinking of good things only and leave all bad things behind. It's only the 11th day of 2011 and I'm already this tired.

'Jangan Mengeluh'. I heard this statement a lot of time already. I tried not to. I tried to think that there are a lot other people who live a harder life than mine. But then I started to think, how would I know? How sure am I that there are such people living in this world? I still know very little about the world. I ended up sighing and sighing cause I felt like the road I'm walking is a dead end and I kept bumping into a wall before I got stuck on it. To see my life from this perspective is ridiculous because I now remember that I have thousands of reasons to be thankful. Despite of the darkness I'm seeing, I'm sure I can seek for light and it wasn't that hard. Black and white sometimes sit side by side. For me, it's impossible to stay in the middle, so I chose to stay where I feel the most happy, most content, and most thankful. Thank You ALLAH for still letting me live and learn about this old, old world.

Another thing that is bothering me... is still about the dispute between the boys. It's to the point that I don't want to care, I don't want to even talk about it. They are healing, I'm thankful. But the thing is, who is going to heal the fans? I love DBSK comeback more than JYJ debut, I have to admit. JYJ debut in a way shows that they're getting farther away, it almost seems like I don't know them anymore. It was in the midst of confusion that they have to make me think an rethink what they've been saying before - Always Keep The Faith. They had to make me think about friendship and promises. They made me think about truth and lies. And I was drowned deeper into the confusion. I was happy for a while but my heart hurts later because I still feel like something is wrong. That HoMin might not be smiling. That HoMin might be crying. That HoMin might not move on like they do. While DBSK comeback on January 5th has an absolutely different impact on my heart. It feels like I'm a real Cassiopeia once again. Like I can breathe again, like I can really watch over them again without a heavy heart, like they're one again although there's only 2 of them. Maybe because that certain leader is there... My precious leader... While HoMin is trying to heal themselves right now, I have a good feeling that I will to. I'm not blocking JYJ entirely, like I've said before, I can never do that. As known, JYJ - they have all the best vocals in DBSK (but Changmin won the Scream Award forever and ever), they have the best film, drama, and musical actors but there's something missing. Sooner or later I'll learn about it. Little by little...But it's not the time to keep my hopes up for any reconciliation, it's not the time to dream (about anything but what to do with my life), it's time to see what's in front of me. Accept and take it as it is. I want to keep an easy mind.

We might have 354 days more to go. We might not live that long. Our world might not live that long too. But I guess I still want to take everything in little by little. I'll walk step by step. At the same time, I wish this year will be a better year than 2010. That's all =) Keep your head down.

By; Al-Falah